Self Harm

There is no way I can cover all the types and as a forum, we won’t put any specifics on here. Research has shown that this can ‘inspire’ others to copy techniques or words. It can also trigger others to self harm.

Reasons for Self Harm:

Childhood abuse
High anxiety
Relationship difficulty
Feeling of numbness to life
Physical health problems
and many more.

Self harm is an aspect of emotional problems that often upsets and causes strong reactions in those who find out someone has or is doing it. This is understandable but with some insight, maybe this can be better understood. Self harm is seen as a physical response to an emotional pain.

People self harm for a myriad reasons and those reasons can change even in an individual from one bout of self harm to another. Behind it is often a desperation, an inner pain and turmoil which the person feels unable to manage and it works on the principle that a worse pain can settle a chronic one. Also it can be done as punishment to the self for imagined unforgivable events in a person’s life. Remember, I said imagined or perceived, and not that these events really are unacceptable.

People who have been abused as children can be a group at high risk too. Children when abused, often blame themselves for the abuse since blaming the parent is unthinkable when most parents are seen as “god” to a child. So with that inner pain, that hurt child still dominates.

You could add in here addiction to street drugs, eating disorders, long term depression, guilt, phobias and fears, and many, many more.

When a person self harms because they are feeling numb, it doesn’t mean that high tolerance to pain remains, and often that once the problem has been dealt with by the self harm, the pain of what they have done can be excruciating. This needs to be remembered when the person seeks medical help and there are reports of doctors or nurses not giving pain relief before treatment!


. Its attention seeking: in fact most people who self harm hide it from others and may harm in areas that won’t be seen. Its not done to show people, its done to express inner pain.
. The person is suicidal: a few people may do this before a suicide attempt, but the vast majority don’t feel suicidal. In fact many can find it a way to manage some emotions throughout their lives.
. Its a teenage thing, they will grow out of it: In fact people who self harm are of all ages. People who have used this coping mechanism can do so all their lives. Teenage children aren’t being silly or following a fashion. It is still an expression of inner pain.
. The wound isn’t that bad so they aren’t really that much in need: To harm yourself is a huge statement to yourself. The harm can be huge or small, it matters not. The inner emotional pain is still significant.
. The are just manipulating others: Again, most self harm is hidden. It is aimed at the Self, not others. If it was used to manipulate, its not a very effective way to do that.
. They like pain/don’t feel pain: No the person does not like it. They do feel the pain and its not a pleasant thing to feel that much inner agony that to self harm is the only way to express and feel better in the short term.
. They could stop if they wanted to: Self harm is very addictive as it does relieve pain, and releases endorphins which are the very powerful hormones which are pain relief and have been described as the body’s own Morphine. The addiction cycle can be broken once the emotional pain has been resolved.
. They are mentally ill: In fact many people with no other mental health problem, can self harm. It can be something started when an event triggered a lot of pain and then become a strong habit.

To seek help, a person needs to recognise they need help. Its a difficult aspect for a relative or friend to realise that some people don’t want to stop, want to manage this way. Offering non judgemental support, asking how they are feeling without bringing up the self harm, might support a person far more.

Open ended questions are better than closed questions. By that I mean ones which can’t be answered with a simple yes/no. Keeping yourself calm when talking will be very helpful too. Reflect back what they have said, not parroting it but saying, “I think you mean … I correct?” Then, pick out one or two words they have used which are significant and ask an open ended question about that. But if the person is shutting down, there is no point continuing. But make it clear that they can talk to you without judgement.

When we talk about techniques to distract, its not necessarily a good idea to suggest ones which mimic the self harm. In the past, before I knew better, I have suggested using a rubber band on the wrist and twang it hard when the urge comes on, or draw in pen the colour of blood on the part of the body etc. In fact these techniques can reinforce the idea of self harm not how to avoid it.

Instead, there is a technique called Chain Analysis which the person who self harms might like to try. Just before you self harmed (or feel the urge), stop. Describe exactly where you are, what is happening, who is talking to you,what TV programme you are watching, if there is tension in your body and where and anything else you can think about. Look at any of these, ask yourself which one feels stronger than the others, then chase that down like a word association only with feelings.

I’ll give you an example I have used on the forum. My husband died a year before this. I went to get some shoe racks in a bargain shop and taking them to the checkout, I was suddenly overwhelmed by emotions and wanting to cry a lot. I couldn’t understand it! All I wanted to do was self harm. Standing still in that shop, I looked at the shoe racks and a picture of my husband came to mind. I could hear him saying, “What a waste of money! They are cheap looking and won’t last long!”. Then I remembered when he put up shelves, immaculately, giving them a fine finish. I realised that I had broken one that morning, cursing at my stupidity and putting the bits in the bin. It was a part of the grief I hadn’t handled very well so far.

So one event lead to another to another and I chased the cause of the emotion down. Many others might take far longer than that and will take many attempts to find the cause. In other cases, the event which triggered it is deeply traumatic, like sexual abuse, so not really likely to be faced on its own. A good therapist might be a much safer place to explore that. But writing a couple of words or notes to remind you, might be a good idea. But stopping, looking, listening inwardly can give a clue.

If a person doesn’t manage to stop for a while, or does stop but relapses, its not the end of the world. I try hard to say to myself that I will wait 5 minutes and then do it. If possible once the 5 minutes is up, I might try to delay by another 5 minutes. The first time I watched the clock all the way to the 5 minutes! But its important to start to create a challenge in the mind to the impulses, to create a new pathway for the mind to use.

I could go on and on, it is a huge subject. One last point though about the very young who self harm. As adults we tend to minimise the emotions of children and teenagers. A 13 year old whose girlfriend has dumped them can go through just as deep emotions as an adult. In fact, because they are so inexperienced, the emotion might be even more intense. This could be the trigger to start self harm, but if caught at this young age, taken seriously, a life time of self harm might be avoided.

If you have harmed yourself badly, please seek medical help at A&E. Don’t be embarrassed, they have seen it before and will help you. Please don’t leave a wound unattended as something relatively easy to sort out can become something serious, with infection, if left. You might not care about the scarring now, but later on you may well worry about it. Try to minimise the long term effects.

Come on the forum and find many people who will know all too well what you are going through and can support you.