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Young overdose TRIGGER warning

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TinyStar

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Joined
Nov 12, 2019
Messages
45
Location
England
When i was younger..I think 13yo, I swallowed many pills hoping to overdose.
Family life had become too much for me. It was always my parents fighting. Wrapped up in their own shit. Never any peace. Arguments i couldn't understand. Mum would smash up everything and throw anything at dad. Dad would hit mum, grab my mum, by the throat sometimes and throw her across the room. I saw too much.
So much anger and noise. It distressed me.
I found pills..a lot and took them whilst sipping water, then went to sleep, hoping i wouldn't wake up.

I did wake up feeling fine&normal& nothing had changed at all.
Same shit happening.

Hmm..I soon realised i had taken a month dose of my mums contraceptive!
No wonder i gained some weight at the time.
Funny lol but Not funny.
 
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Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

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I was deeply unhappy from 13 - 17 and living at home. There was nothing to OD with but by 14 I was drinking mugs of neat spirits from the drinks cabinet until I passed out in situ. It was the only way to escape my situation. I was labelled 'a problem child' and my mum answered my school's concern about my welfare with endless diatribes about my heinous behaviour. The school strongly suggested counselling and arranged it. After two sessions, the counsellor told me she needed to see both my parents - she was "identifying serious issues with my home life" and needed to talk to them. My mum stopped the counselling immediately and that was that.

Some memories are very painful, TinyStar - but don't be afraid to go back and look at them as a fly on the wall. How was that child (the young you) feeling? Could you bear to see another child going through those situations? If you could stride straight into those memories as the adult 'you', how would you defend your younger self?

That is what I've done with everything from my young years - revisited as my adult self and re-enacted the scenes in my head with adult me as my own protector. It helps to shed the residual guilt that somehow you were to blame. It takes away that feeling of being misunderstood and alone. Why? Because that child is still with me. Every year of our lives and development remains as a personality layer - sometimes we only have to remember these things to re-visit that feeling of helplessness and fear. The human body can not differentiate between what's happening now and what you're just remembering. It produces exactly the same emotions. So to recall these things will constantly take you back to feeling small and afraid.

I've done this for so long and so often that there is no pain associated with remembering. Adult 'me' protects and loves the 'little me' and I know the ending to these sad scenes...'Little Me' escapes that misery and lives happily with 'Adult Me' forever.

People generally think they can't control their emotions - but we can. What we think about and how we think about it dictates how we feel from day to day. An emotion is nothing more than a trigger response to where your mind takes you. We can re-write our memories in our head and remove the negative emotions until it no longer hurts us.

I'm sorry you felt so bad that you took those pills. But you're here now - you're safe and loved...and that dear little girl turned into an amazing mum herself and escaped. :hug: xxx
 
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TinyStar

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Nov 12, 2019
Messages
45
Location
England
Iv'e only ever told one other person about that memory. And that's the only time iv'e attempt a overdose, (despite my feelings to dissapear throughout the years) because i gagged the whole time. And i was so young and troubled back then.
I find it difficult to take even parecetamol or any pill now because i gag, won't go down.

Thank you for sharing your young experience Lunar.
When i think back it's as if i'm writing a story about someone else but it was MY life. My memories..Wierdly enough I can't remember everything.
But i would never want mine to go through it..Although i know my eldest daughter has already seen things (Violence, abuse) whilst i was with her dad. She was only young so hopefully forgets.
I was repeating history for a while.

I felt i needed to write it..to maybe forget it happened.
I have a song i used to play when at the time, Aaliyah-Care4 u..Everytime i hear it..I'm back there. My young depression. And i sing it to my young self.

I just can't understand why i still feel the same after like 15yrs..Why can't i just feel happy.
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

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We're all comfortable with what we know. That's why an abused animal in captivity won't leave its cage when someone tries to release it....that's why we can often re-create the painful situations in our lives over and over again...just because what we know (however unpleasant) is familiar and therefore safe.

You haven't left your childhood behind because the violence from your father towards your mother was repeated with your baby's dad. The arguments and the unhappiness was all lived through again. You know all these feelings - you've grown up with them. It's painful and miserable but it becomes what we identify with - it's what becomes 'us'.

We can all get deeply attached to our sad narratives - because we see this as our identity and the way we will always be and always feel. The thought of being happy and enjoying life is not remotely seductive because it's completely unknown - it's the open cage door and we're too afraid to run.

You can (and I'm sure will) be happy TinyStar but I think that journey begins with understanding who you are outside the parameters of your story. Memories are just recorded information. They are not YOU. xxx
 
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TinyStar

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Thank you Lunar.
Everything you said makes so much sense.
I need to believe im worthy of happiness, and keep the past in the past, for me and my babies. Otherwise i will just sink further into depression or repeat the same past mistakes.
Easier than done though lol. X
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

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Thank you Lunar.
Everything you said makes so much sense.
I need to believe im worthy of happiness, and keep the past in the past, for me and my babies. Otherwise i will just sink further into depression or repeat the same past mistakes.
Easier than done though lol. X
It IS hard - you have to work on changing the way you think.

Most of the World's most successful businessman have been bankrupt and landed in the gutter through failed ventures at least twice. They don't identify with that failure - they focus on who they want to become and treat the tough times as an exercise in how not to do it in the future.

There will be brilliant homeless people out there - geniuses that lost everything and then took on their failure as a label. The only difference between a Donald Trump and the bankrupt sleeping in a doorway is how they think.

In our case - it's not identifying with what has happened to us. Just because we've known pain doesn't mean we should expect nothing else or seek it out.

Every day is a clean slate. You can be who ever you want to be tomorrow. The difference between being a smoker or a non-smoker can be the two minutes that it takes to make that decision. The first few weeks feel strange and uncomfortable...and then it becomes your 'normal'. It's the same with every life change but you CAN have a different life. xxx
 
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TinyStar

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Location
England
I Will try. I'm sick and tired of feeling so low and feeling negative all the time. I hope i can lift people and help others who feel like this too one day..As you do.
Thank you Lunar :hug:
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

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I Will try. I'm sick and tired of feeling so low and feeling negative all the time. I hope i can lift people and help others who feel like this too one day..As you do.
Thank you Lunar :hug:

This forum is your safe place to feel negative and express yourself. :hug:

You're doing great, TinyStar. xxx
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

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What's a Trigger warning?
A trigger warning is talking about something that could 'trigger' a negative emotional response in another person. For example, talking about self harm or overdose.
 
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TinyStar

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England
Oh ok i understand. hope it doesn't.
 
Lunar Lady

Lunar Lady

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Oh ok i understand. hope it doesn't.
That's the point of the warning (and this is standard on posts). Anyone who might be stirred up by the subject of overdose can choose to not read further so don't worry x
 
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