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"You need to learn how to talk"

StillFighting

StillFighting

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My therapist told me this week that I need to learn how to talk. We had a discussion, sort of, regarding how I feel about therapy. It's been 9 months and honestly I feel it's not helping me at all. :cry: Not only that, but I've also been avoiding to discuss that very thing with him, and this week, when he made an effort to discuss this with me, I was blocked, I felt I couldn't say a thing.

He said maybe I can try to be more active in therapy, that I mostly listen and don't talk - that he asks questions and I don't say much. Thus, the I need to learn how to talk comment. I just don't know how to do that :cry: I'm scared. :cry:

I thought for a long time that maybe I was with the wrong therapist. Now.. I'm not even sure if this is the case. I saw other therapists in the past, for short-term, and I wouldn't open up to them either. I feel that I suck and this is my damn fault. :cry:

I'm struggling so much, I'm having such a difficult time, yet, when I have someone in front of me, it's like my words are lost, and I just block.
 
P

Purple butterfly

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Have you tried writing down how you feel and handing it to him?? That what I do when they ask I question u scribble my thoughts down and give it to her before I change my mind I found this really helps me open up x
 
ScaredCat

ScaredCat

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I agree. Try and write about how you are/what you need to talk about before the session throughout the week and either say what you have written down or give it to your therapist to read. Then that will be a starting point
 
StillFighting

StillFighting

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I haven't tried it, but I feel like such a failure, I feel that even if I did try it, I would fail in that as well.
 
P

Purple butterfly

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Your not a failure.... And it's not about failing... It's about trying to find a way to open up a way that makes you feel comfortable.. And feel in Control x
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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You're definitely not a failure. :hug:

You know what, I had a therapist say EXACTLY the same thing to me.
I found it incredibly offensive and rude.
Whilst I agree that I didn't talk much, it was because she was a bad therapist. I felt judged by her, interrupted by her, misunderstood by her - it was all wrong.

I have since then gone to a private counsellor who is a really kind, supportive woman and I find myself wanting to talk so much that I have to keep an eye on the clock to make sure I don't say anything too intense right before the end. :doh:

How are you feeling about it all? Do you feel that these comments have made you feel more defensive and like you want to build your walls up higher?
I really thing therapists need to be very careful before they blame their client for not opening up, because in my experience, it's nothing to do with my unwillingness to talk at all. It's the general vibe I got from the sessions that made me unable to speak out.

Oh and I just want to add, I find any statement that begins with the words "You need to.." really indicates how arrogant the person saying that to you is.
How do they know what you need? Especially if they're saying you don't talk much?
 
StillFighting

StillFighting

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He didn't sound judgmental when he said that, I think.. I think he tried to say it as gently as he could. But it still made me feel very inadequate, like.. "here's another thing I can't do right". I just can't shake off this feeling of inadequacy.
 
FlowersInYourHair

FlowersInYourHair

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I struggled in therapy as well since I am very shy. I was in therapy for about 2 years and never said much. One time I really needed to get something off my chest but was too afraid to say it, so I wrote it down in a note and gave it to my therapist at the end of the session, that way she could read it before our next visit and I wouldn't have to read it in front of her or watch her read it. It really helped. In our next session she brought it up and I was (somewhat) able to talk about it.

I know exactly where you are coming from. It's super hard, but once you do open up you feel a lot better.
 
Mayfair

Mayfair

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My therapist told me this week that I need to learn how to talk. We had a discussion, sort of, regarding how I feel about therapy. It's been 9 months and honestly I feel it's not helping me at all. :cry: Not only that, but I've also been avoiding to discuss that very thing with him, and this week, when he made an effort to discuss this with me, I was blocked, I felt I couldn't say a thing.
[<snipped>]
BOLD, I think I would have instantly learned the confidence to tell them to shove that up their ****!

Underlined, perhaps try a different one if this is possible. I think 'learning to talk' (or talking with a therapist) could help with the right person. I think though if its been 9 months then it is either not the right therapist for you, or 'talking therapy' isn't for you.

I hate this idea that being forced/coerced/guilted into talking is somehow a thing that works for most people.

I think that everyone communicates in a way that is unique to them, and this isn't always best talking to strangers about your most personal stuff.

Different people have different ways to find ways to express themselves, sometimes it's art, writing, being good at something naturally that is enjoyable, drawing, photography, there are hundreds if not thousands of different things.
 
Wiseowl

Wiseowl

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I agree with Mayfair and there are many different types of therapy/counselling that use other forms of expression such as art, dance (not formal dance more the use physicality and the body), drama, music, sand play and creative writing. :hug1:

There have been many studies of the effectiveness of talking therapies and every time the one factor that has the most impact on whether an individual finds the process effective or not, is the strength of relationship between practitioner and client. So finding the right fit of person is key.
 
Mayfair

Mayfair

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I agree with Mayfair and there are many different types of therapy/counselling that use other forms of expression such as art, dance (not formal dance more the use physicality and the body), drama, music, sand play and creative writing. :hug1:
If I was given the 50/50 choice with no other options, I would talk for England rather than dance :scared::LOL:

There have been many studies of the effectiveness of talking therapies and every time the one factor that has the most impact on whether an individual finds the process effective or not, is the strength of relationship between practitioner and client. So finding the right fit of person is key.
I've not read any studies Wise, but my brain would instantaneously come this [bold] conclusion on its own. I even think that it's a waste of many studier's time, it seems too obvious.
 
Wiseowl

Wiseowl

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I actually did some dance movement therapy, I was quite nervous, but there is no wrong way of moving or responding, so it was very liberating. Whereas sometimes with verbal communication we are used to putting up more pretence and giving socially acceptable responses. When you are being spontaneous with movement and experimenting it is more difficult to fake it or lie, your body gives so much away. I learnt a lot about myself, I was quite surprised how much insight I gained.

Yes I have always thought the same anyway, and it does seem very obvious. :)
 
Mayfair

Mayfair

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I suppose I was thinking predominantly of dancing in an environment where there is another/are others (as is talking therapy).

-

If I want to dance in my house on my own then I will. I don't do that though, I would feel embarrassed even with no one around! :LOL:

I don't mind talking to myself in the house though. That's perhaps a kind of therapy! :D I know my house isn't bugged, so I can't be mad unless someone hears it (or I write it on a public forum :D)
 
pepecat

pepecat

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I can completely relate to this as well - I was also in therapy for two and a half years, and found it incredibly hard to talk. It took me about a year or so to trust my therapist and start opening up to her, and even at the end whe i knew time was running out there was stuff i wanted to say and couldn't.
It's like there's.........something.....that stops me, and I don't know what that is.

I found writing stuff down helpful as well - a couple of times I took things with me and she read them out, which was embarassing, but at least I was getting across how I felt. I also dropped off 'letters' to the centre during the week a couple of times - so she'd have got them and read them before the next session, and that was ok too. She never minded me doing that, and udnerstood that I had stuff that I wanted to 'say' but couldn't actually tell her in person.
The 'writing stuff down' thing can be very helpful, and you seem to be able to get your thoughts and feelings across when you post on here, so it might help with your therapist.

Couple of questions...... is it just the personal stuff that you find hard to talk about with your therapist, or is it anything? So if he asked what you'd had for dinner last night, for example, would you be able to tell him that?

It might also help to try and think about WHY you find it hard to talk......sometimes we don't always know, but I used to think about that one, and for me it was fear of being judged, or criticised, or told to stop being silly - all stuff that happened when I was a kid, so I sort of expected my therapist would do the same.
What happened when you used to talk about stuff when you were younger? What sort of reactions would you get?
 
J

jeztepes

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I have opened up to several tharapists over last 40 years ,, problem is some were still incapable of understanding me ????!!!!! but not opening up is not giving therapy a fair chance ....what have you got to loose,, your hurting inside now , maybe letting it out will help???
 
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