• Hi. It’s great to see you. Welcome!

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life. Amongst our membership there is a wealth of expertise that has been developed through having to deal with mental health issues.

    We are an actively moderated forum with a team of experienced moderators. We also have a specialist safety team that works extra hard to keep the forum safe for visitors and members.

    Register now to access many more features and forums!

You can help me with your opinion. Trying to understand myself/Should I seek professional help?

N

Nathanos

New member
Joined
May 17, 2019
Messages
3
Location
Thailand
Hi,
First, thanks for being here.
I'd like to start by telling you a bit about my problems. I suspect many people will find relatability. What I'd like, is for you to evaluate the severity of my situation, or give me some kind of feedback. It's objectively nowhere near as bad as other things you read online, but it causes me a good deal of pain. I've thought about writing for years.

Here goes;


I'm angry at myself, I don't like myself, I don't trust myself.

I'm angry, because I get anxious in mundane situations.

I'm angry because, I feel discomfort and anxiety around strangers. I don't know to what extent I should engage in conversations with clerks, waiters, owners, drivers, other strangers, new acquaintances.

If I were to listen to my inner voice, I wouldn't talk at all. But not talking at all would make me hate myself for seeming socially inept.
In general I have this feeling of not being interested, not caring, and even feeling resentment towards people I don't know.

I'm angry because I get jealous of seemingly confident people, with a more mature appearance and developed physiques. Online, I seem to be inundated with these concepts of Alpha and Beta males, or with these images and footages of outgoing, charismatic people. Now I'm aware of the internet echo chamber effect, but it's all too easy to enter it.

I'm angry at myself because I don't approach women. Sure, seems like an easy fix, especially when so much effort is spent complaining online.

I don't like myself because I have a very youthful appearance for a 21 year old male. I beat myself up so much over this one. My cheeks are plump despite naturally having a low body fat percentage and being athletic. My voice feels like a perfect reflection of my inner state. I feel like a naive scared innocent 6'4 kid walking around in some adult world with these mature, confident and combattive looking people.

Sometimes, I feel as if men try to stare me down, or intimidate me in the streets. As if they need to prove their manliness by making me step to the side, or by taking as much space as possible in public transport. I feel like they have an aggressive body language as they walk, and a very unfriendly expression. I only get this vibe from Caucasians and Africans living in the West. In Asia, men seem more respectful towards each other's personal space.

I don't trust myself because I lack self control. This can cause me to avoid tasks, or to waste time by being on the internet. At its worst, it caused me to develop Marijuana addiction and drop out of university. It's been a year since I kicked the habit. I don't trust myself because I won't go talk to that girl.


Anyway, I live with a lot of self doubt, anxious negative thinking, self directed insults, criticism, bla bla bla, you get the picture, I'm sure you can list a few more ingredients.

This was a long intro. I'm going to give you an even longer background now.

My mom and dad are from two very different European cultures. East and West. My mother put a lot of care and emphasis on my education in a town where most families gathered together to drink beer and watch the football match while the kids played ps2 and listened to degenerate lyrics on their mp3s. Think "idiocracy".
I quickly stood out from the other kids, but this did not translate to popularity. I wasn't drawn in anyway to the cool kids either. I was much more interested to interact with the individuals who seemed to be rejected by their peers due to their "weirdness". I treated the cool kids as a bunch of ignorant superficial brats...This lasted until I finished high school. Except I became envious of said cool kids as a teenager.


From the age of 9 onwards, I spent my life changing schools and countries/continents. Making friends, saying good bye, trying to fit in a new community, rinse and repeat.
Around 12 is when I developed the nasty habit of staying on the internet late at night. This lasted until very recently. Now, my sleep isn't great. I sleep between 9 and 11pm, wake up between 6 and 8:30, feeling tired everyday.

Despite feeling tired, I tried my best with athletics, and music. School was more of a bother. I could get away with not studying or doing homework, making enough in the subjects I didn't care about, and very well in the others.

When it came to the finals, I had so much time to prepare, but revised for 3 days. I did good overall, but I had little concern for what was to come next. I got accepted to a decent uni in the UK with little care and effort on my part.

This is where I started smoking weed, up to 12 joints a day, Bong hits, edibles. It made me feel amazing in the beginning. After about a year, I really hated what I became, and I wanted to give up on life, although not by terminating it, thank God.

My roommate and I fell out hard. I think we were both to blame. He became manipulative, deceitful, jealous and insecure.
I was unfriendly, antisocial, judgemental, and also a little jealous if I'm honest haha. At that point I was pretty anxious and I became scared of my roommate, which made me feel pretty pathetic.
I dropped out, which feels right now like one of the best decisions in my life.

Currenly I'm travelling the world in an unconventional way, to take a break, but I can't escape my mind, and my inner turmoils. I'm worried about the futures, I have doubts, and I don't believe in myself. Some days are just completely swallowed in an avalanche of sadness, anger, self doubt, etc. It's rather unpleasant when it occurs.

On a more positive note

-My strengths would appear to include my physique, despite my lack of faith in thay department,

-My intelligence has often been praised, but I exert caution on this matter, especially considering where I currently stand in life.

-Although lacking in coordination, I have great natural endurance,

-many people are impressed by my musical skills, but they are nowhere near world class. I guess there's something there.

-i genuinely think I'm boring, too serious, nervous, and unskilled with people, so I decided to embark on a crazy 1 day journey spanning three countries by hitchhiking, from my house, to bloody London. Felt pretty damn amazing at the end.

My point is, I have all these weaknesses that I hate about myself, which slow me down in life, but I'm still a functioning individual. My issue is that I feel a lot of pain, sadness and negative emotions everyday, going through this life. I am unable to enjoy my life. I rarely laugh anymore, and find many things uninteresting or a complete bore.

A bit about my family:

I didn't see my dad much during the ages of 5-10.
Either he worked very long hours, or he was in a different country for months on end.
He was very loving, very gentle, very kind, very funny, playful. He was a great dad, except when he wasn't.

You've probably all heard someone shouting, or yelling. I don't know if you've heard someone put all their rage and hatred into their voice, screaming as if the universe was ending. Apparently, that had been going on since I was a baby.

My dad was very driven on achievements and competition, at least when it came to me. I never saw him compete or hold himself to the same standards he imposed on me. He could be very critical and hurtful. But only for very precise things.

My mom is very assertive in the family. She is also critical, but unlike my dad who is unjust in his critiques, my mother hits the nail on the head every time. She's like a laser beam. She was the authority figure, and I always despised this. Early as a child, I thought she had no place to give me orders and I often challenged her. I was actually happy to obey my dad and provide my help.

This may seem like it's coming from nowhere, but since the age of about 5, I have felt sexual arousal as my mother eats and makes sounds with her mouth, lips, tongue, jaw, and swallowing. An incredibly powerful feeling of anger would fill me up. I would often sob at the table in the beginning, or hit my fist in anger, throw up the table because I couldn't bear the sound. I never admitted this to her until a few months ago, but it made me hate my mother during meals for years.

Okay, I'm going to end this here. As you can see, I don't have that much to complain about. I've got a roof over my head, friends, a girlfriend, loving supportive parents, some burgeoning skills, a good start in life, but... It's just not it. Something feels off. Why?

Thanks again if you've read this far, I appreciate it, and I hope that something good may come out of this for both you and me :)
 
T

Tomorrows a new day

Well-known member
Joined
May 2, 2019
Messages
165
Location
England
Hi, seems you have a few things going on, an unsettled childhood and insecurities. You may have an anxiety issue, do you ever get depressed? have you talked to a doctor at all?
 
N

Nathanos

New member
Joined
May 17, 2019
Messages
3
Location
Thailand
@Tomorrows a new day

Hi
I talked to a psychogist once for 8 sessions, but not much came out of it. He didn't seem to understand what was going on.

I don't get depressed, but something close to it, that is usually in the background.
 
Top