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Yesterday's forgotten hero

vanish

vanish

Well-known member
Forum Safety Team
Joined
Sep 29, 2014
Messages
2,265
Location
The Land of Oz
So yesterday while I was home alone with the animals all day, I harmed myself. I haven't done anything like that since I don't know when! I am not proud of what I did and while my method of harming is pretty much invisible to those who don't know what they are looking for (so I went undetected), inside I am damaged still.
It was triggered by a number of events. I am undergoing EMDR for past childhood trauma and abuse. This means having to remember what happened to me back then all over again and actually talk about it. Also, my wife told me I am not as important as the kids. That made me feel so small and insignificant and shitty. I mean I know I am not as important as the kids but does she really have to rub it in? I already feel like nobody gives a toss if I live or die - my family has already confirmed that numerous times and even told me to go away and die ffs!
I'm not suicidal though. I remain steadfast about that. I don't need hospital. I just need someone who can listen to every thought in my head without judgement and tell me I am normal. But that's never gonna happen, not in this lifetime anyway!
When is it okay to just stop caring? Can someone tell me please?
 
A

Amyjane8812341

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 29, 2018
Messages
66
Hey
I'm so sorry your having a hard time.
I have also started self harming again after 15 years of not doing so. I feel great guilt about it.
Talking about the past can bring up feelings and thoughts that may be very hard for you to cope with.
I'm sorry your wife said that to you. I'm sure she did not mean it like that.
I'm glad your not suicidal that really possative.
I understand what you mean about finding someone who can listen and see you as normal person. I do believe there are people out there that can listen to you with out judgememt.
I'm here to listen if you tell you can open up
Amy
 
vanish

vanish

Well-known member
Forum Safety Team
Joined
Sep 29, 2014
Messages
2,265
Location
The Land of Oz
Oh great! Just great! My confidentiality has been breached on here and now she wants me to be admitted to a psych hospital. She also accused me of being jealous of the kids. I'm not jealous, I just hate the hot and cold she turns on all the time when they are around. I love the kids equally to other members of the family. I don't believe there should be a hierarchy when it comes to love (that's just me anyway).
I am refusing to be locked up over self harm. I'm not a danger to myself or anyone else.
 
A

Amyjane8812341

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 29, 2018
Messages
66
I believe you. I believe that you are NOT jealous of the kids. Has she said why she wants you to be admitted to hospital? Have you been admitted before?.
Is there anyone other than your wife in your family that you can turn to and speak openly about how you feel ?

Here and listening
Amy
 
R

Rachelm2535

Member
Joined
Aug 8, 2018
Messages
7
Totally not judging here. Actually I have walked through much of what you described. Trauma is destroying. It took many years, 25 actually for me to get to a place of hope and future. Please know there is healing. You are not insignificant! EMDR is very difficult! I will be praying that it is successful and doesn’t put you through more trauma. You mentioned when is it ok to stop caring....I will say this don’t give up caring makes us human and there are many out here who can somewhat understand what you are walking through. Here is a really excellent book that helped me through and to healing.....Mending the Soul by Steven Tracy. I truly home you check it out. Praying for you. -Rachel
 
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