• Hi. It’s great to see you. Welcome!

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life. Amongst our membership there is a wealth of expertise that has been developed through having to deal with mental health issues.

    We are an actively moderated forum with a team of experienced moderators. We also have a specialist safety team that works extra hard to keep the forum safe for visitors and members.

    Register now to access many more features and forums!

Yesterday I would've almost killed somebody TRIGGER WARNING

calypso

calypso

Well-known member
Admin
Moderator
Joined
Jan 5, 2011
Messages
45,406
Location
Lancashire
Glad you are seeing a therapist.
 
Lone Rider

Lone Rider

Member
Joined
Dec 16, 2019
Messages
5
Location
Australia
I always used to get short, but powerful attacks of rage, wanting to hurt people that had made me angry so bad I couldn't think about anything else, I could even barely breathe. But those attacks passed as quickly as they came and I never really hurt anybody.
Because you didn't really want to...

Anyways, yesterday someone pissed me off so bad I reached a completely new level of rage. First, I was shaking with rage, only thinking about killing that person and if he had been any close to me, by God, I would've done it without hesitating one second. Then, I turned calmer, thinking about how to do it, all the different possibilities ... I was already at the door, ready to go to his apartment when a call by my mom stopped me.
It wasn't the phone call that stopped you. It was you. If you had really wanted to do what you felt like doing you would have ignored that phone call and gone and done it. So, don't use the phone as an excuse for your lack of even trying.

Of course, I'm not saying that you should have done it, only that you didn't really want to. You obviously have a lot of self-control.

There's a very big step between thinking about killing someone and actually doing it, and I should know because I have attempted murder in the past and I did it without any forethought whatsoever. No phone call would have stopped me.
That was many years ago.

For me, the decision of killing that person was somehow a logical consequence. He pissed me off, he wasted my time, he had to die.
But he didn't because you did nothing.

Five minutes later, after that random call, I felt calm. Like I had never been in that stage in the first place.
Yes, because you didn't really want to kill him. You were just angry and upset, and then you got over it.

Today, one day later, it makes me think. Yesterday I would've almost killed and I wouldn't have thought one second about the consequences.
Then why didn't you go kill him after the phone call? You said yourself that he had to die, but instead, you did nothing.

I'm still not thinking about the consequences but about the origin of such thoughts of mind even being able to take over my body and thoughts. What do you think about all this? Should I go see a therapist and find out why I am like this or not give a second thought and continue to live my life?
I think that, like most people, you get angry and upset and then think about doing things you'd like to do to the person who hurt you, but don't do it because you got enough satisfaction from simply thinking about it. I think you have a lot of self-control and are afraid of the consequences or you would have acted on your thoughts.

Violent thoughts can be cathartic. It's enough for most people to want to hurt or kill someone but not actually do it. Most people are governed by their conscience as, I suspect, is the case for you too.
 
Top