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Yesterday I would've almost killed somebody TRIGGER WARNING

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119164

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Vienna
Hi!

I'm new in this forum and I'm new to what's going through my mind. Let me steal some of your time. I was never concerned with how I behave or think. I always knew I was a bit different than others and that this difference made it hard for me to connect with other teenagers. But it never bothered me. Even know, as a student, I was not concerned with how I thought or behaved. I never really bonded with others on an emotional level, I thought of people as my puppets and if I got bored I would stir them up with well-placed little sentences that did so much though ... but yesterday ... I was ready to kill. I always used to get short, but powerful attacks of rage, wanting to hurt people that had made me angry so bad I couldn't think about anything else, I could even barely breathe. But those attacks passed as quickly as they came and I never really hurt anybody. Physically at least. Mentally I liked to play with them, feel the power my actions and words had on their emotions, on their behaviour. Anyways, yesterday someone pissed me off so bad I reached a completely new level of rage. First, I was shaking with rage, only thinking about killing that person and if he had been any close to me, by God, I would've done it without hesitating one second. Then, I turned calmer, thinking about how to do it, all the different possibilities ... I was already at the door, ready to go to his apartment when a call by my mom stopped me. Bear in mind, that all happened in five minutes. For me, the decision of killing that person was somehow a logical consequence. He pissed me off, he wasted my time, he had to die. Five minutes later, after that random call, I felt calm. Like I had never been in that stage in the first place. Today, one day later, it makes me think. Yesterday I would've almost killed and I wouldn't have thought one second about the consequences. I'm still not thinking about the consequences but about the origin of such thoughts of mind even being able to take over my body and thoughts. What do you think about all this? Should I go see a therapist and find out why I am like this or not give a second thought and continue to live my life?
 
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119164

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Vienna
EDIT: gotta be honest here, I was shocked at what I would have been able to do and frightened at my ability to do it if given the chance. I'm a bit scared I might come into this situation again.
 
calypso

calypso

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You have posted in the Personality Disorders Forum so I presume you already know what is wrong with you and make no mistake, something is badly wrong. If you did therapy, would you be prepared to change? There is no reason to do it unless you are willing to change the way you respond. I think you shouldn't ignore your feelings at all.
 
Last edited:
1

119164

Member
Joined
Nov 15, 2019
Messages
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Location
Vienna
You have posted in the Personality Disorders Forum so I presume you already know what is wrong with you and make no mistake, something is badly wrong. If you did therapy, would you be prepared to change? There is no reason to do it unless you are willing to change the way you respond. I think you shouldn't ignore your feelings and I think you know that.
I have a feeling what it might be, partly because a few people in the past called me that, jokingly and seriously. But I never really struggled with it until now that I realized what I am actually capable of doing if pushed that far. I don‘t know if personality disorders can be changed but I am willing to tame them in order to live a life as normal and not dangerous to others as possible.
 
calypso

calypso

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If that is the case, then therapy is vital for you! I think you must know that from your post. I also wonder if talking to a doctor and asking if there is anything local to you that could help. I see you are from Vienna, I know nothing of your country to know what goes on there.

The fact you are shocked by what happened shows hope for you. Apart from anything else, you don't want to end up in Jail. Personality disorders can be helped if they want to be helped. Its not cast in stone.

Did you have anything in childhood which could have lead to this behaviour? Such rages usually come from somewhere.
 
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EstherRose94

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Your insight is like more than half the battle. See a therapist and learn some tips and tricks to deal with anger whenever it comes up.
 
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119164

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Location
Vienna
If that is the case, then therapy is vital for you! I think you must know that from your post. I also wonder if talking to a doctor and asking if there is anything local to you that could help. I see you are from Vienna, I know nothing of your country to know what goes on there.

The fact you are shocked by what happened shows hope for you. Apart from anything else, you don't want to end up in Jail. Personality disorders can be helped if they want to be helped. Its not cast in stone.

Did you have anything in childhood which could have lead to this behaviour? Such rages usually come from somewhere.
The thing is at that moment, in that state, I wouldn‘t have given one thought about the consequences. Only later did I come to think about jail and yet it didn‘t bother me all that much. I only thought „Good thing I didn‘t do it. I really don‘t have the time to deal with Jail right now.“

My childhood was rather normal, not any different from any other normal person‘s. I was a happy child and yeah, there were moments that could’ve been seen as emotional abuse or at least worrying but every normal family’s got those ups and downs and I like to think that it was a happy, normal childhood with normal moments of fighting etc like any other normal family experiences.
 
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Zoe1

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I dont think emotional abuse and fights
are part of normal family life

normal families are loving most of the time
with now and then a squabble about what to watch on tv !

:grouphug: ✨
 
calypso

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I think in this country (Britain) there is an organisation called MOV which is Men Overcoming Violence. Is there anything like that in Vienna?

Still the fact remains that you have a huge problem with your rage and need to address that. Have you looked up therapists who might be able to help? Does it bother you that you might kill someone and their family would be distraught? Don't assume you have a serious PD just because some people have mentioned it. You might have something else. No-one can diagnose on a forum.
 
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119164

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Location
Vienna
I think in this country (Britain) there is an organisation called MOV which is Men Overcoming Violence. Is there anything like that in Vienna?

Still the fact remains that you have a huge problem with your rage and need to address that. Have you looked up therapists who might be able to help? Does it bother you that you might kill someone and their family would be distraught? Don't assume you have a serious PD just because some people have mentioned it. You might have something else. No-one can diagnose on a forum.
I have but I can only contact them on Monday ... Anyways, I wasn't feeling any guilt when I thought about murdering somebody. I wasn't thinking about anybody or anything other than myself. And I still feel no remorse when thinking about it, I am just shocked a little bit that I might have really done it. Or more suprised. It's a weird feeling and hard to explain. It's like I should be really scared and I am a little bit but the full potential of that feeling is scratching under the surface. And now I am also surprised at myself that I might have done something like that, a kind of curiosity as if you were looking at an exotic animal and discovering something new about it. I might just have anger issues, I just posted in this part of the forum because I have heard two or three people say in the past that I might have some psychopathic tendencies. Of course that were people that experienced my sudden attacks of aggressiveness and were quite taken aback by them and by how quickly those are passing and how quickly I can turn back to a calm state as if nothing ever angered me.
 
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EstherRose94

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I think in this country (Britain) there is an organisation called MOV which is Men Overcoming Violence. Is there anything like that in Vienna?

Still the fact remains that you have a huge problem with your rage and need to address that. Have you looked up therapists who might be able to help? Does it bother you that you might kill someone and their family would be distraught? Don't assume you have a serious PD just because some people have mentioned it. You might have something else. No-one can diagnose on a forum.
so true. Don’t label yourself. everyone gets angry. Maybe you tend to get extra angry. It doesn’t mean you’re like pathological. You still need help but maybe it’ll be easier than you think to overcome.
 
E

EstherRose94

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Also it’s possible to have traits or tendencies without like fully having a disorder. It could be a mild form. And since you say you’ve not experienced trauma and stuff then maybe you would have a milder version because your upbringing was like a protective ingredient.
It’s really complex. Also like if you’re super angry at this person it might be hard to feel remorse especially since you didn’t actually do anything to them. It doesn’t mean you would have just done something and still not had remorse.

I guess I’m trying to say don’t give up on yourself. Some of us are less sentimental than others but I really don’t think that anyone is just like straight up self absorbed and emotionless. I think it’s best if you don’t see yourself that way. I definitely think you should seek help for the thought processes that you are right to be concerned about. Just know they don’t make you a monster.
 
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119164

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Also it’s possible to have traits or tendencies without like fully having a disorder. It could be a mild form. And since you say you’ve not experienced trauma and stuff then maybe you would have a milder version because your upbringing was like a protective ingredient.
It’s really complex. Also like if you’re super angry at this person it might be hard to feel remorse especially since you didn’t actually do anything to them. It doesn’t mean you would have just done something and still not had remorse.

I guess I’m trying to say don’t give up on yourself. Some of us are less sentimental than others but I really don’t think that anyone is just like straight up self absorbed and emotionless. I think it’s best if you don’t see yourself that way. I definitely think you should seek help for the thought processes that you are right to be concerned about. Just know they don’t make you a monster.
I will call a therapist on Monday and see if I can get an early appointment mentioning an urgency like the possibility to harm other people. Because I really want to know what there is wrong with or if there is even something wrong with me at all. But I don't see myself as a monster. What happened in my mind rather sparked curiosity than anything else. The first day after I was shocked and a bit concerned but now after sleeping another night over it I feel like it's nothing to be scared or alarmed about but rather something to look into.
 
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