Would rather be dead than alive (not suicidal)

[kubelkabondy]

I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be alive anymore. I don’t have any suicidal thoughts, but I do go to sleep every night fantasizing about never waking up.

I am halfway through a really stressful program studying something that will guarantee me a good-paying and stable job once I graduate, but more and more I feel that it isn’t the right choice for me and it’s a career that I’m not going to enjoy or be naturally good at. But I’ve invested so much in making it this far and it would be really embarrassing to quit now and look like a failure to friends and family. I know that quitting isn’t the same as failing, but that’s how it would look to many.

I am married and my husband is working full-time at a job he doesn’t like to put me through school and pay our bills. I am so afraid of how he would react if I told him I wanted to quit school, and I’m honestly not even sure that that’s what I want. I just know that right now it’s giving me so much stress and anxiety I don’t know if I’ll be able to pass my classes this term.

I love my husband very much. He has always taken care of me and he has sacrificed so much for me but we are on totally different wavelengths, and as time goes on I realize more and more how little we have in common except for the shared experiences we’ve had living together for a decade. We have totally different values, interests, and tastes, and as a result we don’t communicate much even when we’re in the same room. He knows that school is stressful for me, but he has no idea the extent of my anxiety and I don’t know if he’d respond well if I told him. He is having his own struggles with depression and stress related to his career and I don’t want to add to that, especially since he’s sacrificed so much for me to make it this far.

On top of this, COVID has made me realize how lonely and alone I am. Before COVID, I had a few local friends I would hang out with from time to time, but ever since the pandemic started I haven’t been seeing anyone. I know this is not abnormal due to social distancing and quarantine, but I’ve barely been in touch with any of my friends and I think this whole thing has just revealed to me that most of my relationships are not very deep.

My mom died suddenly just a couple years ago and ever since then I have had very little joy in my life. I was close to her, and aside from my husband she was one of the few people who called me regularly and really cared about what was happening in my life, the other people being my sisters.

I feel like a failure and I feel like everything is getting worse – my marriage, my anxiety, my performance in school, and thanks to COVID (and other crises going on), the whole world around me.

I am trying to remain hopeful that things will get better once I finish school and the pandemic goes away, but it’s so hard to see beyond all the more immediate things that I’m dreading, including waking up every morning and facing the day.

I don’t know why I’m putting this out there – I guess I need to hear some encouraging words as I have no one to talk to about this. Or to know that I’m not alone.

 

[Bizzarebitrary]

You've done well expressing your feelings and turning your insides out. Not everyone can, vulnerability isn't valued in most cultures. Those are tough problems you're facing, it takes a measure of courage to face them.

I read your thoughts about school. I doubt anyone would want your mental health to be ruined by a life of misery. You mentioned feeling like a failure. You're not the only person to take a journey on a path for a while only to learn that it isn't the right way for them. Have you asked yourself why living a life for every reason but for your own happiness is worthwhile? How would living that life of misery mean success?

Having no idea what it's like to be you, I wouldn't offer practical suggestions. Just wondering if you might have more room to maneuver in your life were you to set aside judgments like success and failure which can be very limiting to the imagination.

Wishing you some peace and rest.

 

[jajingna]

That sounds tough. As you say you will be guaranteed a good job, but not one that is right for you. Will you go through with that to avoid the embarrassment of quitting your studies? And then work at something that doesn't suit you, for years? Lots of people do this, that is endure a job they dislike because it's stable and pays enough. And I suppose to others, it would sound like not a big reason to complain. Not everybody has a secure job and some of us have none. But you'll have to live with it every day doing something you feel poorly suited for.

That's my guess on your situation, as you've described. I don't have anything else to add unfortunately, except like Bizzarebitrary said, consider if you are going down a path that might only make you unhappy in the long run. Wouldn't it be nice if we all could do work we love and make a decent living from?

 

[Purpleplum]

Doing something day in and day out that you don't like and you're not naturally good at is torture. Studyinging for such a thing is stressful and unmotivating. You'd be happier doing something you enjoy even if it pays less.

You say you don't know how your husband will take it if he finds out you want to quit....well how would he take it knowing how unhappy and stressed it's making you?
You could always continue later if you feel like it.

You live one life...do what makes you happy.

 

[kubelkabondy]

You've done well expressing your feelings and turning your insides out. Not everyone can, vulnerability isn't valued in most cultures. Those are tough problems you're facing, it takes a measure of courage to face them.

I read your thoughts about school. I doubt anyone would want your mental health to be ruined by a life of misery. You mentioned feeling like a failure. You're not the only person to take a journey on a path for a while only to learn that it isn't the right way for them. Have you asked yourself why living a life for every reason but for your own happiness is worthwhile? How would living that life of misery mean success?

Having no idea what it's like to be you, I wouldn't offer practical suggestions. Just wondering if you might have more room to maneuver in your life were you to set aside judgments like success and failure which can be very limiting to the imagination.

Wishing you some peace and rest.

Thank you so much. I completely agree that thinking about life in terms of success and failure can be really limiting, and it's definitely something that I've deeply internalized living in a society that values human beings according to their academic/career accomplishments.

Although my doubts can weight pretty heavy on me, I'm not absolutely certain that I will hate working in my chosen field, because I haven't tried yet. I don't like being in school, especially right now, but I only have a year left and if I can survive this term there's a good chance I'll be able to make it. I've worked so hard to get here, I almost feel that I owe it to myself to see it through and give it a shot, knowing that I can always quit and reset if I do in fact end up hating it.

I can get through another year without feeling happy and I think I can probably deal with the stress of school, although it won't be fun. But, I don't want to keep going to bed every night hoping that I don't wake up. It's a really dark and hopeless feeling especially as winter approaches and the days get darker, colder, and shorter.

Anyway, thank you.