• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

Would appreciate anyones opinion...

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Olly1599

New member
Joined
Jan 15, 2015
Messages
3
Hi, I'm sat here typing this with a divorce, lost home, kids not wanting to see me and general distain from anyone I once counted as friends.

I am currently being assessed by a psychiatrist but twenty minutes just doesn't seem enough to unload my thoughts and find anything out. I'd greatly appreciate it if people with experiences of this could read over a summary of my thoughts as I am beginning to lean towards BPD in my opinion. I'll try and keep it short...ish.

Ok childhood, looking back, parents always fighting, vicious arguments and screaming are my main childhood memories. I could never approach my parents as I was always in a constant state of fear of banging doors, random periods of not being spoken to then being shouted at. The first hug I remember came from my wife to be at the age of 19. There are no good memories at all, just a memory of nervous fear. Added to this I was the sexually abused between 11 and 13 by a family member, naturally I could tell nobody for fear of the firestorm that would follow. They are very manipulative parents that hounded me until the day I left home and even after that. I still get that cold butterfly in my stomach every time I see either parent. Around the age of 14 I distinctly remember realising the world has no purpose, there is no point, a sense of futility. My Headmistress had mooted the possibility of higher education at Oxford and the like. A possibility yes, had I then bothered to turn up to any of the exams. My futility of life outlook was in full swing.

Adulthood, I found my friend alcohol at 17, we've been together a long time now. The right amount and I love everybody and I love life, all is well with the world. I only do sober or drunk, there is no middle ground. Catch me sober and it's a different person. My overriding outlook is empty futile existence, every action or thing is ultimately a waste of effort. Speaking to people, keeping friends, taking time away, having 'fun' is all absolutely irrelevant. My mind constantly analyses things, people (their motivations), designs of objects and how they are made, how they function.
I have come to despise people because of their stupidity, how can they be happy, don't they realise that it is all futile, how stupid can they be? In more stressful times I explode, a rage that has seen smashed windows and hurt people. My ex says it isn't me at that point as my face changes, eyes glaze over and rage follows. You can then find me sobbing in a corner as I realise the damage that I have just done without knowing why. The only thing that drives me is sex, an absolute addiction to it, from infidelity to all night attempting to encourage my wife (as was). Post divorce it has seen me with 3 seperate people in one day, 40 people in the space of a year, all unprotected where I could and strangely with both sexes, something that in the cold light of day I struggle to comprehend, that's just not my thing. I have begun to think I'm not addicted to the sex, I am addicted to those few moments I actually feel something good in my mind. Apart from these intense moments I normally just don't 'feel' anything. I've looked into my childs eyes and just seen an object that demands food and attention, one of many that are everywhere. I have had relatives die and not felt a thing, it's just the eventuality of life, the result of being alive. What a curse that is. My memory as such is awful, my eldest child is eight now, I cant remember much of those eight years. I remember the birth and I remember how much he doesn't want to visit me any more. God I feel guilty.

I have always known I don't quite fit in, don't view the world in the same way as the rest. Well I'm sat here now, no family, no love and I feel the clock is ticking. I keep coming back to that ultimate logical conclusion to solve the twenty year old problem. Thanks for taking the time to read these ramblings, I would value any thoughts on it.
 
Purple Chaos

Purple Chaos

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Joined
Oct 23, 2014
Messages
1,079
Hi Olly1599 and welcome to the forum.

I'm not surprised that you have issues after reading about your upbringing. 'The first hug I remember came from my wife to be at the age of 19' I think this is one of the saddest sentences I've read in a while. I'm so sorry that your experiences weren't better.

I just wondered, when you get your explosive rages, is this when you've been drinking, or when sober (or both)?

I know the appointment with the psychiatrist seems short and it can sometimes take several visits to get the information required and complete an assessment. How many times have you been so far?

Feeling as though you don't fit in is quite common for those of us with mental health problems. I don't know how I feel about a BPD diagnosis (I'll remain on the fence for now) so hopefully someone will pop by and offer more advice/information on that side of things.
 
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Olly1599

New member
Joined
Jan 15, 2015
Messages
3
Hi Olly1599 and welcome to the forum.

I'm not surprised that you have issues after reading about your upbringing. 'The first hug I remember came from my wife to be at the age of 19' I think this is one of the saddest sentences I've read in a while. I'm so sorry that your experiences weren't better.

I just wondered, when you get your explosive rages, is this when you've been drinking, or when sober (or both)?

I know the appointment with the psychiatrist seems short and it can sometimes take several visits to get the information required and complete an assessment. How many times have you been so far?

Feeling as though you don't fit in is quite common for those of us with mental health problems. I don't know how I feel about a BPD diagnosis (I'll remain on the fence for now) so hopefully someone will pop by and offer more advice/information on that side of things.
Thanks for taking the time to reply,

The rages are only when sober, but under pressure/stress. I'm calm exterior (panicking inside) then just an explosion. I've done things I'm too ashamed to acknowledge.

I have been twice now, popped straight onto an antipsychotic with bipolar suggested as possible. I just feel it is more than mood changes. More than highs and deep lows...life just feels wrong, I feel immune to joy.
 
Purple Chaos

Purple Chaos

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Joined
Oct 23, 2014
Messages
1,079
Your rages must be quite frightening as well as making you feel ashamed. Do you have prior warning, as in do you feel it building up inside of you, or does it just take you by surprise?

That's pretty heavy medication to start you off with, particularly if you haven't shown any signs of psychosis. Has the antipsychotic made any difference? I don't suppose you've been taking it long enough to know yet.

I hope that your visits to the psychiatrist help and that you manage to get things sorted sooner rather than later.
 
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Olly1599

New member
Joined
Jan 15, 2015
Messages
3
The rage builds inside, feel trapped then I have been told my eyes glaze over and someone else is there, then I explode. At other times under pressure the same glaze over happens, but it isn't rage, it's a complete numbness. It's like I can't see clearly, don't recognise people and the pressure goes.

The strong medication may be as a result of my last rage. My ex rang me to say she is in a relationship with another man, both her and my children have been spending a lot of time with him lately so I suspected anyway. Well I came to in what I can only describe as the padded assessment room of the local mental hospital, having attacked the local police station with my fists as well as ranting threats to kill certain people, spent a night climbing the walls, babbling, screaming and trying to break out. None of which I remember. I then spent two hours saying all the right things to three Drs, trying to appear perfectly reasonable so I can go home. That was two weeks ago so have been on them since then. I feel no difference on them as yet.

Thanks again, it even helps just to put it all down on screen.
 
Purple Chaos

Purple Chaos

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 23, 2014
Messages
1,079
Ah, I see. That explains the use of medication pretty well.

I really hope you get all of the help you need for your issues, especially the rage. As I said, it must be quite terrifying, particularly if you don't realise what's happened until it's too late.

I find that writing or typing everything out helps a great deal too and I'm glad you're finding the forum of some use. Hopefully you will continue to do so. It's helped me a lot!

Take care. :hug1:
 
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