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Would any girl like a guy with a dark past like mine?

M

mistakesweremade

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 8, 2018
Messages
78
I feel so ashamed. I have a dark porn and m past. I have horrible intrusive thoughts. I got beat up by someone who is smaller in size than me even when I started the fight. I know in another thread in this section, I stated how I agreed that one needed to love them-self first in order to be loved but what if even when you love yourself, your past is still a burden? I think I'm probably the weirdest, most messed up person I know. It would take a really special woman to like me. Anyway, I'm not throwing a pity party but I just wanna figure out if there any woman out there who would like me.
 
I

IWILLOBTAINMENTALHEALTH

Guest
I know for certain there would mate. We've all done some horrible things in our past. Ever single one of us. Even me. No one is ever completely innocent. She would have a dark past too. Just look for the right girl. You'll find her.
 
M

mistakesweremade

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 8, 2018
Messages
78
I know for certain there would mate. We've all done some horrible things in our past. Ever single one of us. Even me. No one is ever completely innocent. She would have a dark past too. Just look for the right girl. You'll find her.
Thanks but I think I'm probably a special case but still thanks for those words of encouragement.
 
givethemhell

givethemhell

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Joined
Feb 25, 2018
Messages
157
Location
USA
Thanks but I think I'm probably a special case but still thanks for those words of encouragement.
the key here is that you're talking about your past. it's obviously led to you being who you are now, but it doesn't actually exist anymore. so try not to let it control your future. the only thing that's real is here and now. i know i say alot of stuff that seems simple, but i know it's easier said than done and i admit that alot of what i write is advice that even i find hard to take for myself. but when i write here it's easy to step away from myself in a way and see things differently. i've loved people with dark pasts. i have a dark past in my own way. if i ever ended things with someone with a dark past, it was not for their past, but for their present and how they treated me in the moment. i've been told some very dark stuff by significant others, but if anything, it only made me want to support them more and let them know they were loved and understood.
there are definitely people like that in the world. any most importantly, it's not fair for you to be with someone who is focused solely on their imagined mental picture of your past. you deserve to be with someone who sees you and understands you for who you are now in each moment now and in the future.
also, please don't feel bad about losing a fight with someone smaller. that's no reflection on your abilities and strength. small people can be very strong too! there shouldn't be shame because of that particular detail!

and finally, look back at your words: "It would take a really special woman to like me."
that's a good thing and you should ALWAYS feel that way! you are special and deserve someone who you think is very special--hope looking at it that way helps :hug1:
 
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givethemhell

givethemhell

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Joined
Feb 25, 2018
Messages
157
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USA
Well a lot of things. Just way too much baggage and past mistakes.
let your baggage and mistakes be lessons to you going forward. you know now what doesn't work for you. that might be one way of looking at it!
 
B

Bambi

Member
Joined
Mar 13, 2018
Messages
7
I always say, ' you are not your past'. ( I can't think of what movie that's from) But it's very true, there are so many people who find love in this world, we are a world of 7 billion people and no one is the same we all have so many different pasts and futures. We are who we are now, what we do now, what we say now. Whether you have a bad history or not, it's about who you are now. You are special and that special someone is out there, just don't close yourself off, open yourself up to the possibility that you are in deed lovable.
 
M

mistakesweremade

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 8, 2018
Messages
78
the key here is that you're talking about your past. it's obviously led to you being who you are now, but it doesn't actually exist anymore. so try not to let it control your future. the only thing that's real is here and now. i know i say alot of stuff that seems simple, but i know it's easier said than done and i admit that alot of what i write is advice that even i find hard to take for myself. but when i write here it's easy to step away from myself in a way and see things differently. i've loved people with dark pasts. i have a dark past in my own way. if i ever ended things with someone with a dark past, it was not for their past, but for their present and how they treated me in the moment. i've been told some very dark stuff by significant others, but if anything, it only made me want to support them more and let them know they were loved and understood.
there are definitely people like that in the world. any most importantly, it's not fair for you to be with someone who is focused solely on their imagined mental picture of your past. you deserve to be with someone who sees you and understands you for who you are now in each moment now and in the future.
also, please don't feel bad about losing a fight with someone smaller. that's no reflection on your abilities and strength. small people can be very strong too! there shouldn't be shame because of that particular detail!

and finally, look back at your words: "It would take a really special woman to like me."
that's a good thing and you should ALWAYS feel that way! you are special and deserve someone who you think is very special--hope looking at it that way helps :hug1:
Thanks for such a detailed, encouraging post but would someone have to tell you everything about their past in order for you to like them? What if they did something horrible and they didn't tell you but you found out later? I feel as though I would have the woman every single horrible detail about my past in order not to feel guilty. And P.S. we all give out advice that we don't always follow, you're not the only one, so don't feel bad.
 
givethemhell

givethemhell

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 25, 2018
Messages
157
Location
USA
Thanks for such a detailed, encouraging post but would someone have to tell you everything about their past in order for you to like them? What if they did something horrible and they didn't tell you but you found out later? I feel as though I would have the woman every single horrible detail about my past in order not to feel guilty. And P.S. we all give out advice that we don't always follow, you're not the only one, so don't feel bad.
the older i get and i look back on my past relationships, i realize there's no need for either party to spill everything about their past whether right away or over time. also, things just get brought up in conversation as time goes on. and i think that's natural and the way it should be. it's a little overwhelming to have someone tell you everything right away. it leaves no room for mystery.
and you know what else i've realized? you don't need to tell ANYONE anything about yourself other than what you feel comfortable sharing, unless it directly impacts them, then they might have a right to know. but whatever has happened to you in your past is yours to know. whatever you want to keep to yourself, as long as it's not something that affects them (which, from reading your posts, i can't see anything you'd be required to tell anyone. like whatever addictions you've had, as long as you're not carrying those on behind a partner's back, it's your story and you don't have to share that with anyone), you have every right to keep things to yourself. it's not being dishonest, it's just everyone's natural right. we all deserve to let things go and be who we want to be without our past dragging us down. if someone probes and you feel comfortable being open and sharing things about your past, i'd like to think they're only asking because you've been with them long enough to share things about each other, and that by then, they will know you and understand you well enough to know that the past is the past.

there were alot of things i didn't learn about exes until years into knowing them, and it didn't ever feel like a violation for me, it's just like, well, i understand that's the past but i am talking to who they are now. if anything,it was interesting to learn more about people i loved. and trust me, i heard things that i would normally consider horrible, but in light of knowing who they were as they were right in front of me, it didn't upset me. if anything, i thought they were strong for both overcoming and sharing those things with me and made me want more to express to them that i didn't judge them.

if you're with someone, and you haven't done anything to hurt them, you really have nothing to feel guilty about in that relationship, whatever things you've experienced in your life. everyone goes through difficulties and feels guilt for things they did or didn't do, but those experiences should have nothing to do with whoever might be in our future. :flower2:
 
M

mistakesweremade

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 8, 2018
Messages
78
the older i get and i look back on my past relationships, i realize there's no need for either party to spill everything about their past whether right away or over time. also, things just get brought up in conversation as time goes on. and i think that's natural and the way it should be. it's a little overwhelming to have someone tell you everything right away. it leaves no room for mystery.
and you know what else i've realized? you don't need to tell ANYONE anything about yourself other than what you feel comfortable sharing, unless it directly impacts them, then they might have a right to know. but whatever has happened to you in your past is yours to know. whatever you want to keep to yourself, as long as it's not something that affects them (which, from reading your posts, i can't see anything you'd be required to tell anyone. like whatever addictions you've had, as long as you're not carrying those on behind a partner's back, it's your story and you don't have to share that with anyone), you have every right to keep things to yourself. it's not being dishonest, it's just everyone's natural right. we all deserve to let things go and be who we want to be without our past dragging us down. if someone probes and you feel comfortable being open and sharing things about your past, i'd like to think they're only asking because you've been with them long enough to share things about each other, and that by then, they will know you and understand you well enough to know that the past is the past.

there were alot of things i didn't learn about exes until years into knowing them, and it didn't ever feel like a violation for me, it's just like, well, i understand that's the past but i am talking to who they are now. if anything,it was interesting to learn more about people i loved. and trust me, i heard things that i would normally consider horrible, but in light of knowing who they were as they were right in front of me, it didn't upset me. if anything, i thought they were strong for both overcoming and sharing those things with me and made me want more to express to them that i didn't judge them.

if you're with someone, and you haven't done anything to hurt them, you really have nothing to feel guilty about in that relationship, whatever things you've experienced in your life. everyone goes through difficulties and feels guilt for things they did or didn't do, but those experiences should have nothing to do with whoever might be in our future. :flower2:
Thanks, you're the best. If only more women like you existed...
 
givethemhell

givethemhell

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 25, 2018
Messages
157
Location
USA
Thanks, you're the best. If only more women like you existed...
aww thanks, same to you though! :hug1: it is refreshing to see your honesty and investment in bettering yourself! you know, most people don't have that kind of self-awareness and desire to do good! so don't ever forget that about yourself and keep on being you :flower2:
 
givethemhell

givethemhell

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 25, 2018
Messages
157
Location
USA
mistakesweremade, something just occurred to me. you mentioned you started that fight with someone. is that something that makes you feel good? fighting i mean? have you ever considered joining a boxing or martial arts or mixed martial arts gym? if you feel inclined to that kind of stuff, it might really make you feel good about yourself and connect you to other members there as well! not to mention the exercise-related and discipline related health benefits and boost of confidence it might provide
 
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Seachad

Seachad

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 13, 2018
Messages
516
Location
Central Florida
There are girls out there who won't care about any of that. You're far from the only person, male or female (yes, really) who has a past involving porn and 'm'. Dark or otherwise. And you lost a fight to someone smaller? It happens. It's embarrassing, yes. But it happens. And, of course, you know from reading this forum that you're far from the only person who has horrible intrusive thoughts, yes?

So. All these things are survivable. And being open and honest doesn't mean you have to give a woman a minute-by-minute account of your previous life. She'll ask you about what she wants to know. Be honest with her about what she asks. But give her the same courtesy you hope for from her. Her life likely won't be perfect, nor her past be spotless, either. And if you want her to accept your flaws and love you for who you are, it's only right and reasonable that you accept hers and love her for who she is in return.

Be well, eh? Take care of yourself.
 
Cazcat

Cazcat

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Staff Member on Leave
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Sep 12, 2013
Messages
2,423
My husband has made some very bad choices in his past. He has yold me about all of them (I think) over the years, not all straight away but as we got to know each other. Some of the stuff was pretty bad, I still love him for the person he is now though. So it is definitely possible. Everyone makes mistakes, it's what you do afterwards that determines what kind of person you are.
 
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