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Worthless, no place for me in this world

S

so sad

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 24, 2016
Messages
163
Hi

my self-esteem has always been crap and I'm now at rock-bottom.

My job disappeared when COVID hit - I'm extremely lucky that I still have a job and work from home but I have no role anymore so I add no value. My mental health is awful and my manager is doing her best to protect me from being put into a post that will tip me over the edge (and again, I'm very grateful) but I feel so useless, I add no value. If I disappeared it wouldn't matter.

I have issues with my partner and she is great at belittling me, telling me I don't have mental health issues when she knows I have. We've been together over 25 years and I wasn't well when we met. She is really understanding of others with depression, great listener and very fast to support but with me there is nothing. I think she likes the fact that my self esteem is so non-existent that she can easily bully me into doing what she wants.

I was bullied throughout school and college and now as an adult - there is clearly something wrong with me to attract these kind of people and to give them a reason to bully me.

I want to hurt myself - it will stop my head for a while and I deserve to be punished.

I've just had enough of being a nothing

xx
 
B

bpd2020

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
1,865
Location
England
Hello so sad. I am so sorry to hear you are feeling worthless. I think work can give a person a purpose and without it they feel lost. It sounds like you are being so hard on yourself for finding work difficult. Dealing with mental illness is difficult enough without trying to hold down a job.

Your partner is abusing you, so sad. She is cruel to dismiss your mental health and say it does not exist. Bullies are attracted to people with low self esteem. It is not your fault you have been a victim of bullying.

You do not deserve any more pain. You are in so much pain right now and none of it is your fault. I am so sorry you feel you are nothing. Cruel people have made you feel this way and they are wrong.
 
Direisalone

Direisalone

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 17, 2020
Messages
223
Location
England
I'm sorry your partner treats you that way :(
 
O

Orphanannie89

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 25, 2020
Messages
98
Location
PR25
I am so sorry you are feeling like this. Well done on reaching out to us and sharing this. It is clear you are hurting. Please do not punish yourself. I'm sorry you are not getting the support you so rightly deserve from your wife. It seems your manager is more supportive. You will find some people are more caring than others due to their understanding and they dont like to face the reality of the situation.

Just know that you have not done anything wrong. It is the cruelty of others that is to blame.

Build some time for yourself doing things you enjoy. Even if it is just reading or listening to your favourite songs. Dont listen to what other people tell you. You are allowed this.

Keep in touch xx
 
S

so sad

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 24, 2016
Messages
163
Thanks for all of your replies.

I think I know deep inside somewhere that what she does is abuse and she is definitely a bully. Its been suggested by my care coordinator that we use something like relate but despite having been together over 20 years she will not acknowledge me as her partner outside of the house. This feeds the belief that I'm not good enough because surely if I was, then she would want people to know we're a couple??

Everything is far too overwhelming and I just want an escape route

x
 
B

bpd2020

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
1,865
Location
England
I am so sorry she will not acknowledge you are a couple when you are out. That will make you feel bad about yourself. In my eyes, you deserve better then her. You deserve to be happy and accepted. I know how being with her for 20 years will make it so much harder to leave but maybe that is your escape route? By leaving her you can focus on your mental health and not have the way she treats you adding to your pain.
 
wraziel

wraziel

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 12, 2020
Messages
272
Location
Chile
You not deserve pain. I can see she is triggerin you down.
 
daddyspader

daddyspader

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 3, 2020
Messages
61
Location
Taker's Tights
I am so sorry you have to endure that, it is absolutely awful the one person you should be able to rely on cannot give you what you need. I realize you have been together for clearly a quite long time, but perhaps it might be time to evaluate if this relationship is the best thing for you? At the end of the day, YOU are what is most important, and YOUR happiness should come first. You are worthy of wonderful things, and I hope you can get that. ❤
 
S

so sad

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 24, 2016
Messages
163
Thanks for the replies.
I do know deep down that she isn't good for me but then I think that if I could stand up for myself with her then it might be ok. Problem there is that I'm scared to do that because of how she would react.
We own a house together and have so many interdependencies that I don't see leaving her as an option.
I hate myself so much and that makes me want to hurt myself.
I'm having to work from home and feel incredibly isolated.
With COVID I can see less of a future for me than ever before. I fear for my mum who is vulnerable due to a heart and lung condition and until there is a vaccine, I'm terrified that she'll get it.
Fear is definitely my most prominent emotion and I can't live with it.

xx
 
B

bpd2020

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
1,865
Location
England
It is sad that you even need to stand up to somebody who is meant to be your life partner. It is hard when you own a house together but it is possible. I believe she is making you hate yourself and every day spent with her is a day you hate yourself more. I am sorry you are worried about your mum.
 
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