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Chalmers333

Chalmers333

New member
Joined
Jan 19, 2018
Messages
3
Location
Ontario, Canada
So I’m new to this forum. I’m not really sure what to expect but I guess I’m hoping to just not feel alone in all of this.

I’ve had anxiety since I was a kid. I used to get really bad panic attacks, through all of elementary school, and I would miss a lot of class because I’d walk out to try to calm myself down. Finally when high school rolled around I said enough was enough and I refused to leave the class no matter how bad my anxiety got, and I was going to sit there and deal with it til it went away. And eventually it did. I still got bouts of it but I would sit through it and not let myself be overhwhelmed.

Well that worked for all of high school, but in 2016, my grade 11 year, I lost my grandfather to a long battle with cancer (he has always been like a father to me), my great grandfather, and my step-mother was hospitalized with a potentially life threatening condition called aplastic aenmia which saw her in the hospital for almost the entire year. Long story short there was a lot that went on that year, and a lot I pushed down and didn’t allow myself to feel. My dad’s pretty old school, don’t let your feelings get the best of you or show to others, and with everything that was happening, I guess I just pushed everything down and didn’t allow myself to feel it. Without getting too off topic I pretty much kept it down even if it meant drinking myself to sleep.

Flash forward to now and I graduated high school in the June of last year, and I’ve been working a full time job at a machine and welding shop, working my way towards a career as a welder. Things have gotten a lot better for me and yet I’ve noticed that this summer a lot changed. I’ve started getting anxiety but it’s nothing like I used to get. It’ll just hit me suddenly, and I’ll be worrying about losing friends and family, or about what if I can’t make it in my career, or what if this or what if that, from reasonable things to worry about to completely irrational. I’ll get bouts of panic and anxiety, weeks at a time where I obsessively worry and ruminate over anything and everything. And I guess what scares me most is this feeling I get that from what I can best understand is derealization. I suddenly feel as though my whole home town is different, or dull, or surreal. Things seem different and out of place and I feel like I’m disconnected from reality. Like everything feels so different and it is the strangest, scariest and most difficult thing to describe because it’s just this feeling.

I know I was depressed back in that year that everything was happening all at once, and it’s been a long time coming pulling myself out of that rut and getting back in my feet, but now all this anxiety, obsessive thought, ruminating and this feeling of everything being so surreal is overwhelming and it’s terrifying. But then I will suddenly feel fine again and everything seems okay for weeks or longer and then it hits me like it did today on the way home from work and that’s why I’m here writing this.

I don’t know if it’s because of that year, or because the routine and everyday life of going to school has suddenly changed and I’m working full time, I honestly think it’s a bit of both. I think change just isn’t coming easy for some reason but it’s almost as if I can’t seem to live in the moment. Like since I graduated I’ve been more and more in my head reflecting (but to the point of it being unhealthy) on the past and the future and I can’t seem to think clearly and be in the moment. Maybe this is why I feel so detached. All I know is I feel like I’m going insane. I’ve never dealt with anything this bad, it was never this bad. And I just want it to be okay again. It’s hard to enjoy my time with my friends and family and my time when I go outdoors with all of this in the back of my mind. I feel like I’m losing my grip on reality and my control.

I know this is more of a rant than a question discussion but I guess I’m just hoping to get this off my chest and maybe not feel so alone in this, or feel like I’m not actually losing my mind like I think I am.
 
J

JenIAm

Member
Joined
Jan 14, 2018
Messages
9
Hi.

I'm sorry you had those experiences. It does sound like a lot to go through and I have also being guilty of suppressing my emotions.

Sometimes, I have an issue of not feeling like things are real. And I think that's because I don't put meaning to them. It helps me to talk about them, even if it's embarrassing or I'm scared of how people will react, everyone has gone through things, and if it means something to me and I let people know, it kind of confirms that it existed.. Or else, I've replayed thoughts of the situation or scenarios where I would discuss things, or how awful it was or how I felt, analyzing. It can be tricky in telling someone, because they may not know how to react or act polite, and it makes you feel like they don't care, but as long as you know you care and it matters to you, and it helps you..

It's easy to be held back in the past if you 'obsess' over things without 'getting over them'. Like a state of limbo.

I also have had a rough time with change and it helps to occupy yourself with new things, and thinking positively, being glad that you graduated and accepting a transition. A celebration can make you feel like you've hit a milestone in your life, just telling yourself and/or others, that is done, time for a new phase in my life.

Routine can become boring. Ask yourself if you enjoy your job. Find other activities to do. Spontaneity can change your perspective.

Do what works for you. Exercise, writing, etc.

I can't help on a professional level, if you feel like you need more help, talk to someone.

I can relate to what you're saying - you're not the only one.
 
A

Aw3092

Member
Joined
Jan 14, 2018
Messages
11
Location
USA
I Know How You Feel

Anxiety can do crazy things to a person. I've dealt with something similar to this in regard to the rumination part of your post. Obsessive worry consumed my life and I couldn't turn it off. Anxiety levels got so high for me at one point that I broke with reality and started hearing voices that were not there. You are definitely not alone in this. I know it feels like you're in a literal hell when this is going on though. We are there for you and I can sympathize with this pain you are in. That being said if you can't cope with the new way anxiety is presenting itself in your life I would seek professional help. My doctor prescribed the generic form of Zoloft. It didnt get rid of my anxiety completely but it did become less severe so that I could cope with it at least. Good luck with this. I hope you at least don't feel alone in it anymore. If u need to chat message me.
 
Chalmers333

Chalmers333

New member
Joined
Jan 19, 2018
Messages
3
Location
Ontario, Canada
Thank you Jen, I appreciate it. I have forms filled out to try to find someone to talk to at my local hospital, so professional help is definitely an option on the table.
 
Chalmers333

Chalmers333

New member
Joined
Jan 19, 2018
Messages
3
Location
Ontario, Canada
Thank you Aw3092, I will definitely take you up on that. I don’t feel as alone, I appreciate it.
 
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