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Worst manic episode of my life

BlackChalice47

BlackChalice47

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May 16, 2021
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185
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Mason
So, to start this thread off, does anyone ever take a compliment from someone, and depending on who it is and what was said, allow it to trigger feelings of such supreme self-worth that you feel like you've achieved something without having achieved anything? In other words, did someone's compliment ever make you feel so special that you felt like you were above having anything further to do in life simply because of how special it made you feel?

Basically how this shit started for me. My foreign friend I've known for several years said some of the most honest and flattering things someone has ever said to me (something I still think is true). Her divulging that info was likely somewhat to do with the pandemic but it didn't really change how powerfully it impacted me at the time and even now on some level. This is a person I've always held somewhat of a torch for so this did numbers for my sense of self-worth, and, unfortunately, also skyrocketed my recklessness for weeks to come.

Started with posting tons of politically incorrect things on Facebook costing me several friends, got in an online trolling contest between a friend of mine, and I was convinced at the time that I was outwitting him. We've since come to an understanding but that could have easily costed my friendship with him and there was a point where it looked like he was getting angry with me to the point of taking it to physical confrontation.

Drinking started to really spiral out of control and it eventually came to the point where I broke down emotionally on my foreign friend. She did not cut me off but we haven't been on speaking terms since. I still felt unstoppable. Started going after my female friend who was in the middle of me and my foreign friend and wound up saying some pretty awful things to her. Made threats against another friend of mine that I'd convinced myself in my own head was getting involved between her and I and that turned out to be false.

Stopped taking Zoloft thinking it was causing my mania (huge mistake) but got back on Seroquil. Week later did some pretty heavy self harm but not enough to wind myself in the hospital. Had a plan to commit suicide a few days later but was basically saved by a text from a close friend moments before going through with it.

A normal person would be flattered by someone they care a lot about complimenting them but they would go about their lives and continue to do what they needed to do to improve their lives. I used it as the basis for my entire life's worth when I am, in reality, not in the place I want to be and was simply using it as an excuse for bad behavior because I felt better and smarter than everyone else.

I'm feeling better now but that may be the most disastrous manic episode I've ever had. I've been through worse in terms of the early onset of being diagnosed with bipolar disorder but it's been quite some time before I felt this out-of-control. Can anyone relate to this situation or provide context?
 
D

Doopadoop

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Joined
May 3, 2021
Messages
20
Location
Maine
I can relate. I cant really provide context but am in the middle of an episode of my own of sorts. I spent 6 weeks insanely depressed and started Prozac as I denied my therapists suggestion I was bipolar and she put depressed in my record. Med management team saw how presentable I was and from things like being homeschooled, generally reserved, anti social, a well trained child to not cause any disruptions etc... I'm now also on my worst hypo-manic episode. I was sleeping 12 or more hours a day the entire time I was on the prozac, but I felt somewhat numb so I thought it was helping and I was meandering through my days. I came off it, felt weird for a week and about 5 days ago only slept 3 hours and went... here we go... the last time this happened I downed 3/4 a handle and didnt feel a thing other than tipsy, more aggravated and couldn't walk straight. Having been a heavy drinker in the past I wasnt pleased. I smoked heavily before the prozac (weed) and as I'm approaching my 30s am finding these things no longer worked and my symptoms were getting worse. Well anyway, preemptively knowing this was coming helped a touch but now I haven't spoken to anyone in my household at all today and keep alternating between being so sensitive I cant be touched, talked to without assuming negativity, if the topic is negative it shoots through my veins like adrenaline, and questioning my reality because I was a completely different person last week. As well as 3 days ago. It's been particularly hard because I worked my ass off, adopted a teen, moved 9 times or more over 10 years etc etc due to a lot of crappy family circumstances and life events so I was too busy to really acknowledge I was never sober for more than a day, 10 days for a drug test, and 6 months once. Not to mention still had my health and hadn't gained 80lbs yet. But anyway trickling back to this week I'm such a reserved person I really wonder if I wouldnt be having an actual manic episode, I care altogether too much for everyone else's feelings as a recovering codependent and just am mellow as a result of a lot of abusive/extreme situations and health problems I've tended to alone so.... I've tried to sleep for about 15 hours now and have been in 5 or so different blockbuster movies of varying levels of horror, stress or weird dreams and dont feel I've rested at all. I think maybe a point I'm trying to get to is everyone probably feels a much more..... maximum ceiling but the expression is different. Probably from having a normal(?) Socialization you are reaching out to others in your mania versus I'm tying myself in knots alone because it used to bring me such pleasure to be alone as a preteen and teen and now I just.... feel like I have nothing. I want something different every time I'm presented with the same situations and am driving myself insane.
 
D

Doopadoop

Member
Joined
May 3, 2021
Messages
20
Location
Maine
Being 2 years into a pandemic is an insane amount of stress and change as it is regardless of your approach to it, it's a stressor I've gotten accustomed to but its everywhere all the time. Nevermind how busy our world is. I feel bipolar is a full time job no one has time for to begin with but absolutely comes first. It aggravates me in its own sense but I've been working really hard to change my mindset around it. It's just difficult when things dip, I agree.
 
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