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Worried I want to be the opposite gender vs. being attracted to opposite gender? (TOCD) - please help.

O

ocdworrier44

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Joined
Jun 24, 2021
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I'm an 18 year old girl and I've dealt with HOCD (fear that I'm a lesbian in denial) and other types of OCD, so that's something that could be impacting this.

I had my first crush on a boy when I was 11. After that, I had several other crushes on guys. I'm very supportive of LGTBQ and have been mostly successful of getting rid of HOCD. There's just always something about boys emotionally or physically that I've been very attracted to, and that makes me never see myself having a crush on a girl or pursuing a relationship with one.

Anyways, my latest obsession seems to be around wondering if I want to BE the boys I'm attracted to, and if I'm really just envious of them, since I'm really "boy crazy". Like, he's so hot, what if I want to be him, not kiss him? If I was actually male I'd still be attracted to those guys, but I'd want to be them as well (do both). But if I imagine myself in a relationship with myself BEING a guy, it's just not how I feel. I want to be a girl and that feels natural. Being a guy would almost make me feel uncomfortable, yet my thoughts are like: is that really true...??

Something that isn't helping is that up until I was 6, I was a huge tomboy and even went through a phase where I wanted to BE a boy, which I know isn't anything unusual for young children. I would daydream of myself as this male character. However, I've always been happy as a girl, never questioned my gender, and have said: "gosh I love being a girl" to myself before. Being female just feels right. And being WITH a guy is something I do desire.

I go through phases as a kid and got really curious about transgender people (I forget who came out and started this).... I have always had a ton of empathy (not saying this to brag, just explains personality) and I'd feel for all these trans people, especially trans kids or teenagers. I'd follow their stories and I guess it made me so happy to see them being who they are. While I can relate to MTF trans peoples stories more (makes sense because I'm a girl I guess), I seemed more interested in FTM stories. I even have had a crush on a FTM guy. Then, I started worrying my "interest" was creepy or that it was because I'd want to be FTM if I was better looking, taller, etc.... But I really just think it's because I happen to be genuinely attracted to them.

If anyone can offer any insight that would be helpful. Thanks!
 
J

Jigglypuff Fan

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Jun 26, 2014
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Avenue Q in the US
Gender is a very bizarre subject when you think about it. Sometimes you may think you are transgender but then it turns out you are more gender fluid or asexual. There’s nothing wrong with that. Sometimes you wonder if you are the wrong gender based on what you’ve seen in the media. As a kid I wanted to be a girl instead of a boy but that was mostly due to me not fully understanding gender roles and that what I thought being a girl meant wasn’t true. I wanted to be a girl because I thought that they seemed to get the more interesting toys, that they didn’t need to go to work and could do whatever they wanted (tv is to blame for that misconception), and I thought my sister was extremely smart because she was a girl and I wanted people to complement me on my intelligence too. I quickly stopped wanting to be a girl when I turned twelve and learned about the menstrual cycle which disgusted me. I still like things commonly associated with females but only because I like how they look and also because I’m a drag queen. It took me awhile to figure out that I am more gender neutral than feeling like I’m more masculine or feminine. My advice would be for you to take things slowly and try a couple things out and see how you feel afterwards.
 
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