Worried About My Wife

W

WorriedPartner

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Jun 29, 2014
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Hi All.

Firstly, apologies for just signing up to this forum and posting this, I know it's a bit annoying, but I didn't know where else to turn. I hope i'm putting this in the right place.

I'm here to see if there is anyone who can give me advice on how to deal with a partner who is struggling massively with her emotions.

My wife has always been very up and down with her moods. I've always just put that down to her age and thought it would be something she would grow out of, but things have slowly been getting worse. However, recently things have sped up rapidly and she is going downhill fast.

She's been seeing the docs and although she doesn't have any sort of formal diagnosis yet they are mentioning Rapid Cycle Cyclothymia, and they mentioned verging on Bi-Polar. Now, I don't have a clue what these terms mean, other than what I've been reading on the internet, and to be honest the label is pretty irrelevant to me although the symptoms do seem to describe her pretty well. All I know is that I am married to someone who seems to be falling apart and I don't know what to do, I only seem to make it worse.

I love her with all my heart, mind and soul but all I feel I'm getting everything wrong. Her mood swings from so low to so high extremely quickly and it's wearing me out, it's a roller coaster. I just don't know where I stand or which I'm going to get from day to day, hour to hour. All I wan't is to keep her happy, provide her with a good, comfortable loving life but I'm scared I'm failing.

I always seem to say the wrong thing in any given situation, something that I just don't imagine would cause an issue, but it's taken the wrong way. Sometimes, looking back I can see that I could say things better, sometimes I can't.

I don't know what the best approach is. I try my best to not react to things myself but sometimes it gets too much or I just get so utterly frustrated that I open my mouth and screw everything up, particularly with things involving the kids. I'll quickly go from being "the most amazing husband in the world" who she "couldn't get through this without" to being "the cause of all my problems" and the person who "makes everything so much worse". I get told how utterly unsupportive I am when actually I am trying to do everything I can to be there, but just get pushed away. I know my best isn't good enough or always the right thing but I really do try.

I find it so hard not to react sometimes and when I do (which I know I shouldn't), I'm told how bad I am and she says she wants to leave because life would be so much easier away from me.

Do I just keep my cool, keep my distance, when times are hard even though I don't like what it is doing to me / the family? I guess I have to but I just don't know how when the slightest of things can trigger and argument.

She is convinced I'm trying to make myself a victim when I tell her how it makes me feel and I can see why it would come across that way, but I'm really not.

I know I can't "fix" this, but I want to be able to manage it from my side of the relationship in the best way to help her deal with it without it putting such huge strain on the family. I just want to make her the happy person I know she can be. I love her normal days so so much, it fills me with such happiness seeing that woman again.

I could go on and on here with my feelings, or discussing the way she is but I'm not sure how relevant it is.

I hope there's someone out there who can help.
 
M

MarlieeB

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Hi and :welcome: to the forum.

I'm sorry that your wife is going through this but happy that she is seeing people about it.

It's a hard one but I would say that you need to go with the flow with it. When she is in a good place give her all the love and hugs you can and keep on letting her know that even when she has bad days you will be there for her and that you know she doesn't mean what she says if that makes sense.

When she is having a bad day try to give both her and yourself some space and don't pressure her too much. Again remind her that you love her. If you need to go out for a walk or drive go and do it as long as she is safe to stay alone. You could also tell her to ring the Samartians maybe?

Take care

X
 
clockworkmonkey

clockworkmonkey

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Hello I too have rapid mood changes.I can be happy then really low in a matter of seconds i kid you not.I can wake up sad then 2minuites later be bouncing off the walls with happyness then 2minuites later be the complete opposite and not want to live anymore.My diagnosis is Borderline personality disorder.Im not saying thats what you wife has but its a possibility.Possibly the best long term fix can be "DBT" which teaches you how to manage your emotions and how to challenge negative thoughts you maybe having.To be honnest the dbt didnt really work for me.But it has a high successs rate.The dbt takes a year to Do which involves a weekly group session and a weekly one to one session with useually a phycotherapist.Obviously this is only my opinion and others may suggest something completly different.
 
W

WorriedPartner

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Jun 29, 2014
Messages
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Thanks. We're really struggling to deal with it without arguing and I know I'm part of that. It's happened again this morning because I can't help getting hurt and frustrated. She's threatening to leave so regularly on her down days now it's impossible not to take it to heart.

When things are bad she is so cold and seems emotionless, while still being a ball of emotions if that makes sense.

Is it normal for her to not properly remember any of the good things which in reality far out way the bad when she's low? The opposite is also true.

I really don't know what to do
 
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MarlieeB

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When I am really bad I don't believe anything nice, people say ( some people get frustrated on here because of it ) also when I am at my worse I don't remember things I have said or done while I was in that way.

Do you think that when she is feeling good that you can agree to a plan of action? So when she is bad you can both revert to this. It could be something as simple as you going outside the front door or garden for 10 minutes to let things cool down or vice versa.
 
Kerome

Kerome

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What a well written, sensitively worded first post :) well done sir!

I'm far from sure what to recommend, as this isn't really my area of expertise, but I have heard that some people manage a bit better with mindfulness training. DBT is a more advanced version of that, but as other posters have commented it's a long training with quite a big commitment.

Wish you lots of luck ;)
 
W

WorriedPartner

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Jun 29, 2014
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Maybe you're right, we can talk pretty well on "normal" days.

Today she is adamant she is leaving and is very convincing, but other days is adamant that she's happy with me and our life and the future's really good. I just don't know what to believe any more.
 
W

WorriedPartner

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Jun 29, 2014
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It's breaking my heart watching someone I love so much, my soulmate, my one, deteriorating so much and being unable to do anything about it. It's making it impossible for me to approach this with a logical, level head, without getting caught up in the current moment.
 
M

MarlieeB

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I can see how much this is upsetting you and understand how you can't think logically. Are there any support groups around,not only for her but for you as well?

Sorry I can't be of more use
 
W

WorriedPartner

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Jun 29, 2014
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Any ideas how to find a support group? Looked online but failed to find anything local so far.
 
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MarlieeB

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I can't find stuff at the moment as my tablet won't let me but hopefully someone will be along soon and if not I'll take a look on my laptop later :)
 
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