I haven't been diagnosed with Schizophrenia yet, I just recently scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist but I can't get in until January. My hatred for the voices is growing stronger or it's hard to tell since it isn't a linear thing and because of overstimulation clouding my memory of every single hallucination I've had, I hate that I feel uncomfortable calling them that. I just recently started a job I like that helps with very chill people. I'm lucky. I guess I'm just exhausted waiting for medicine and I feel like I have so much to explain to a therapist before I'm even vaguely okay and the sessions are only thirty to fourth five minutes long. I can't deal with the inhuman feeling. All these voices, all this mental training has made me feel more like a puppet or a dog or slave even to a higher power. I should've never asked for this yet I don't mean it when I say it. It's confusing for me because I saw things projected from my imagination when I was a little kid and I also had an obsession with schizophrenia then, it seemed like the most interesting thing in existence and I wanted it, it was like I was anticipating it. Part of me or all of me believes I willed it into existence. It's hard to tell if it's genetic although I did have a schizophrenic uncle before he passed. I experimented with hallucinogens before or around the age it's usually suspected to bloom. It's a mix of all things I imagine, a subtle chord progression. I remember how it started, although my thoughts have always been completely random and non linear, even causing me trouble in school as the random or weird kid but I was aware of my mind. There's always a trigger.