• Hi. It’s great to see you. Welcome!

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life. Amongst our membership there is a wealth of expertise that has been developed through having to deal with mental health issues.

    We are an actively moderated forum with a team of experienced moderators. We also have a specialist safety team that works extra hard to keep the forum safe for visitors and members.

    Register now to access many more features and forums!

Wonder if anyone ever in the history of mankind have had similar thoughts as me.

L

LoveYourself

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 14, 2018
Messages
69
Wonder if anyone ever in the history of mankind have had similar thoughts as me.

Hello, im a male, 27 who`s been suffering from mental illness since 13. It started with an extreme depression and i later developed other illnesses like social anxiety, compulsive thinking and even chronic fatigue, brain fog, dissociation etc.


I still have all of these same problems, but in various degrees. My worst problem now is that my mind has in many ways become my own worst enemy. For the last 6 years my thoughts and inner dialogue has become almost indescribably destructive. I have not read about similar cases in psychology or heard other people describe it before.

What happens is that my mind is trying to make the worst out of everything. It would start creating bad thoughts constantly, like whatever i was doing, it would work against me. No matter what! It didnt matter what i was doing, it would constantly try to torture me mentally, almost like a living being.

It`s not easy to describe, but just imagine that no matter what you do there is something inside your head that comments and pollutes more or less every second of your day. The problem is that i was identified with it, so i gave it power.

An example of an inner dialogue could be something like this: "Im gonna make your life as miserable as possible and ruin everything you do, make you leave everyone you love, make you as anxious as possible, make you as unhappy as possible", etc.

That`s just one example. It`s the mind talking, but i couldn`t separate it from myself so it had enormous power over me.

I`ve become a lot better after working constantly with myself for more than 3 years by using cognitive therapeutic methods and separating myself from my thoughts, but i dont think i can cure myself completely from my horribly sick mind in this lifetime.

I wonder if anyone can somewhat relate to this and would appreciate any response that could be of help or if anyone just wanna share their experience if it is similar in some way.
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2015
Messages
11,502
Location
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
Love Yourself, I'm sure it's very common to have a negative mind torturing you. I had it for years and years. It got much worse once the psychiatrists started fiddling with me. Now I don't know whether to credit the medication I'm on now or to give the credit to myself for all the vigilant analysis I've done. :confused:

I also tried meditation but it proved to be a battle in my mind with only a couple minutes of quiet each time I tried it for 45 minutes.

Once I tried Anafranil, which is used on horses who go crazy in their stalls (they need to be free in a pasture !!). The Anafranil actually made my mind stop the OCD and I had QUIET. But it was constipating, so I had to cut it down. The low level of the medication was fine. I sometimes wish I'd stayed on it. But I had the idea that I should not be dependent on it and that I was cheating and I quit it.

I really missed an opportunity to be a writer in this life; to focus this wayward mind.
 
L

LoveYourself

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 14, 2018
Messages
69
Thanks for the reply, Poppy Doll. Yeah, it is normal having a torturous mind, unfortunately.

I will definitely google Anafranil, my mind sometimes is like a crazy horse so it should be something i should check out :p

If you wanna tell me more about your condition and how your mind is working it could be nice.


I find it really hard to explain what im experiencing, but i find it helpful sometimes just talking to other people with mental problems even if it`s not exactly the same problems that i have.
 
R

Randomcrisis

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 8, 2018
Messages
53
That sounds like a fairly extreme example of what some people with depression suffer. I experience something similar - if I don't constantly work at it I find my brain spiralling through a series of negative cycles, just a voice telling me that there isn't a worthwhile future for me, I've failed etc etc. For a while I could manage it ok, right now it seems to be running out of control, particularly in the morning, which may explain why getting up is so difficult. I thought it was the medication that was helping but now I'm wondering if I need to up the dose or consider another option.
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2015
Messages
11,502
Location
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
Hi Love Yourself and Random Crisis, I love your forum names. ;)

I use to have real problems with my subconscious mind. I even paid $150 to have a hypnotist TALK to my subconscious to try and get it on the same team so to speak. It's no good at all when it's working against you.

I have a problem with pain in my legs and my mind would look to cause me more pain. I can't tell you how many hours were spent regretting the last thing I did physically. So I had to tame my mind as it would not at first conform to the new rules about how to take care of a disabled person. It hated me for being disabled.

If you ask me a specific question, I will be happy to answer it as best I can.
 
Last edited:
L

LoveYourself

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 14, 2018
Messages
69
The thing is that depression hasn`t really been the problem for the last years, the thinking has. But of course, depression, anxiety and negative thinking all feed and strengthen each other.

Yeah, i see what you mean, i too have to work constantly, be vigilant and aware all the time of what my mind is doing, otherwise id probably be dead a long time ago. Its all about doing the best out of it, try everything that can be of help, and never give up.
 
L

LoveYourself

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 14, 2018
Messages
69
Yeah, the subconscious mind is very powerful. I dont know enough about how it works tbh, but i know it can create a lot of trouble because it functions automatically. That`s probably why we sometimes dont know why we feel so troubled etc.

I dont know how to work with the subconscious mind, only the conscious. By working with the conscious, we can improve the subconscious i guess.

Does your mind create a lot of negativity and stress? What kind of thoughts is it?
 
R

Randomcrisis

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 8, 2018
Messages
53
Yeah, I think some of it is so closely linked that they are often bundled together - certainly my local mental health group talk about "low mood" and negative thinking is one of the key drivers and/or symptoms. I suppose I never thought about them existing separately because for me they are always intertwined.

When I started medication the depression and inner voice were pretty unbearable - for a few weeks. Then I started to get a grip of the voice and I started to feel better (or vice versa). The last few days I feel I've regressed. Today I had a lot of things to do but I could hardly get up until midday. I'm now sitting in an empty flat which I should be decorating but I know as soon as I stop writing it's just going to be just me listening to myself.
 
L

LoveYourself

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 14, 2018
Messages
69
What kind of bad thoughts do you typically have, Randomcrisis? For me it can be about anything, a lot of horrible stuff too. Whatever i dont want to think about, my mind starts creating if you understand. And it often repeats over and over. And thats been going on for years so it has great power now even though i know they are only thoughts and not me or real.
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2015
Messages
11,502
Location
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
Yeah, the subconscious mind is very powerful. I dont know enough about how it works tbh, but i know it can create a lot of trouble because it functions automatically. That`s probably why we sometimes dont know why we feel so troubled etc.

I dont know how to work with the subconscious mind, only the conscious. By working with the conscious, we can improve the subconscious i guess.

Does your mind create a lot of negativity and stress? What kind of thoughts is it?
I use to have a barrage of negative thoughts all the time but it has settled down now. I use to waste a lot of mental energy on fantasies about people saying rotten things to me (this was reality in grade school) or fantasies about violence (I kill the guy who is trying to rob my friends). The latter is grandiose overcompensation.

You're in Norway ?? I'd love to live in Norway.

So I always had a busy mind because I grew up in an environment that was, - - - I can't even think of a single word to describe it. Bizarre.
 
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2015
Messages
11,502
Location
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
The only trouble I have with my mind now is I can't figure out how to take care of myself in public situations where my legs get compromised (pain) and I end up having a panic attack. This is very humbling.
 
L

LoveYourself

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 14, 2018
Messages
69
Oh, i see. Bullying is horrible, whether it comes from other people or your own mind.

Yes, i live in Norway, its a nice country.
 
L

LoveYourself

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 14, 2018
Messages
69
Life is really tough sometimes, but when its hard it usually gets better later if you give it a chance. Otherwise id be dead a long time ago. We seem to have different kinds of problems, but its nice to hear things from different perspectives too.
 
O

Orwell1984

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 22, 2018
Messages
56
OCD is depressing but it's not clinical depression.
 
R

Randomcrisis

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 8, 2018
Messages
53
What kind of bad thoughts do you typically have, Randomcrisis? For me it can be about anything, a lot of horrible stuff too. Whatever i dont want to think about, my mind starts creating if you understand. And it often repeats over and over. And thats been going on for years so it has great power now even though i know they are only thoughts and not me or real.
Sorry for the delay in replying, I lost track of the thread! Most of my bad thoughts are about some wasted years of rejecting people after a breakup (not even a bad one) and what this has done to my life. It's always there in the background but some stuff that happened recently has brought it back - mostly because I've watched people in similar circumstances pick up and move on, when it took me years. Now I'm worried about my marriage and some friendships, but my real demon is the past and how it makes me feel about myself.
 
Top