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Will Things Ever Be Okay? (TRIGGER WARNING - SEXUAL ABUSE/RAPE)

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girlboss

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Joined
May 23, 2020
Messages
11
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Arkansas
Okay, so let me apologize in advance if this is scatter brained at times, I tend to get emotional in my writing, so please bare with me.

My story starts about two months before my 15th birthday. I started talking to a guy who was 17 at the time, as a matter of fact he turned 18 the same day I turned 15. Anyway, we met on Facebook (this was seven years ago, and the world did not seem as scary as it is now, or maybe I was naive). We talked for close to a month, June 1-June 25, before we met. My mom would drop me off with him, and pick me up a couple of hours later (I don't blame her, so please no hate, I had dated someone who was 17 prior to this, and this guy, from what she knew he was okay too). I never said anything prior, but he was physically and verbally abusive. He would flick cigarette ashes on me, hit me with his dip can, try breaking my arm, tell me I was not good enough, etc. As cliche as this may sound, you know how little girls are told "If he hits you, he likes you," or "Boys will be boys," I was so young and naive to the evils of the world, I still had this very same mindset. So, I stayed quiet about it. Little did I know, it would soon become worse. July 25, around noon was the day I lost my innocence. By that, I don't mean I lost my virginity, I was a woman. I mean, I lost the ability to view the world as good. I lost my virginity by force by someone who on that very day said he loved me. His sister in law walked outside so she didn't hear anything. I eventually blacked out from pain. There are two things I will never forget, when I would make him mad, his eyes would turn as black as night, as if he had no soul. And the fact there was so many beer/alcohol bottles all over his room (this is important for later). As traumatic as the event was, what happened after was far worse. The emotional scars.

Right after it happened, I questioned myself. It was my fault, there was no other option. Honestly, as messed up as this sounds, I questioned if I wanted it, if it really happened. He loved me right? That's what people do when they are in love right? I'm supposed to give him what he needs, right? That's my job as the woman he loves. If I could go back, I would slap my younger self. It took weeks for me to come to terms with what happened, to finally speak up and admit to my mom what happened. We both cried. It was too late for a rape kit, but I did get a pelvic exam to be tested for STI's and trauma. I did have some pretty large internal scratch marks from when he forced me into having sex (this is the part where I blacked out). It wasn't long before I realized I was two weeks late, and terrified. My family told me if I was to be pregnant, I should have an abortion because they couldn't love the baby, and informed me that I couldn't either. This is the first time when I was so low, but never stronger. I decided then I did not care what they said. If I was pregnant I would carry that child, be homeschooled for a year, and let this woman I knew who could not conceive adopt the baby. If someone had a problem with it, I did not care. It was my body, and clearly if I was to conceive that child had a purpose, and who was I to take that. Luckily, it was stress, and trauma, and I wasn't pregnant at all, so I got to avoid family issues for the most part.

My birthday came around, a day that he also had, I did not want to celebrate that year, it actually took close to three for me to even have the desire to. I felt in some way, it made me attached to him, even though many other people have that same birthday. I went to counseling for a year before she gave me the okay, that she taught me everything she could for me to heal, and I believe some parts of me did. But not all. After that year of counseling, I felt okay to see someone. Once things developed, I told my story...he was one who didn't deserve to know that part of me. You see, he brought my rapist around me, he knew he was, and it was at the moment, my trust in men was lost. I devoted myself to school. I graduated a year early, I was almost 17 when I graduated. I forced myself to not allow a circumstance to define me, I knew it wasn't my fault, or anyone else's other than his. I started community college, it was my first spring semester when I met someone who I thought was great, and to a point he was. He showed me I was more than capable of love, a healthy love, a love so strong and so hard, even though it was reciprocated. You see, he cheated, and married the girl he cheated on me with. I still wish him the best, and I can understand I was hard to be with, I do wish he would have just left instead. He didn't understand why I hated him drinking and partying, the alcohol bottles would set off an alarm inside my brain. They don't anymore, with age, some of things have stopped being a trigger for flashbacks or lucid dreams.

I know it sounds like I have healed, but I haven't. You see, here is the thing, I wasn't his only victim, I knew of at least two girls he attempted to rape/planned to. I blame myself for his current girlfriend's/wife's abuse she faces (she and I have a mutual friend which is how I know he is abusive). Had I only reported it, or pressed charges, maybe other women would have been safe, but I was scared.

I have also had a recent diagnosis of a bicornuate/septate uterus (MRI required to determine which one I have), and I keep hearing him say that I will never be enough. Why you ask? Well, because I always felt damaged in some ways, I wanted to save myself for marriage, but I did not have the choice. I felt impure? I don't know the word I am looking for here. I also felt damaged by my lack of being able to trust, or give someone the benefit of the doubt. It can be toxic, but luckily I have met someone who is willing to prove he is trustworthy. Also, this diagnosis, which means I have a congenital uterine abnormality, the bicornuate is shaped like a heart, and has what they call horns, two, and a baby could implant in either of the two, or both, and the septet is where a septum, or endometrial tissue didn't fuse when I was in the womb, separates my uterus into two sides. In lamen terms it means I have two uteruses. Which also means I am more likely to lose a baby later in pregnancy or have early babies. I fear that my body won't be able to do what I so desperately want it to do one day. And if I do conceive, I fear my body won't be able to carry to term. I know I can adopt, but selfishly, I want to carry a baby of my own, and feel little tiny kicks, and flutters (one day). I've always wanted to be a mother, I know I would be an amazing one, and if I can't carry, I feel like I failed. Not just me, but my future husband. And I can't help but hear those words, "You're not enough."

I know this was long, but it felt good to write what nobody else understands, what I feel guilty for saying in a way. It is the ugly side of depression/trauma. You feel guilty for the way you feel, especially when you've always had great people in your corner, supporting you, cheering you on, pushing you to be better, telling you things will get better, and the ultrasound might be wrong. Yet for some reason, you can't remember what it feels like to be genuinely happy. You can't remember a time that you actually smiled. My trauma happened 7 years ago this July, and it still cuts me so deep, even though I hide it, or do my best. I don't want people around me to think that in some ways this event still has a hold on me...but it does. Does it ever stop hurting? Will I ever be able to look at myself again and not see how broken I feel I am? Will I ever learn to heal, and not just cope? It doesn't feel like it.
 
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iWILLOBTAINMENTALHEALTH3

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Z

Zoe1

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hi girlboss :welcome: !

sounds like your healing is slowly happening over a life time
I hope you will heal

:love:💜🧡:love:💜🧡:love:💜🧡
 
Z

Zoe1

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sorry I cant say more
I cant say because its unsuitable for the forum

:hug5: 🐢🌻
 
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