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Wife is extremely anxious and aggressive. Please help!

D

dopper

Member
Joined
Apr 25, 2010
Messages
5
Location
UK
For the last 10 years, the wife has been plagued with mental health problems. It all started with the birth of our first child when something “triggered”. She has had numerous “episodes” over the years and I have been told last year when she was quite ill that she has “bipolar tendencies” by our local Crisis Team. She was not aware I was told this. She is a highly sensitive person and this would really upset her. I dont think she has full blown bipolar looking at her symtoms - but she does have a few issues.

The reason for this post is since Christmas her mood has been awful. Her temper can be unbearable at times and its really getting me down. She had one or two events over Christmas which triggered “an episode” where she loses sleep and gets very irritable and depressive. Nothing I can do is right.

I recently tried to seek help from a local carers group but when I came back from it my wife went ballistic saying that “I was talking about her” and thought is was “pathetic” that I went there. She actually thinks I am ill and need help! She currently takes Quetiapine (Seroquel) and her doctor had to increase the dose just after Christmas to control her mood. It helped a little but not that much. I don’t think this drug seems as effective as it once was.

She doesn’t realise she is being so irritable and her temper can get quite foul. She seems to blame me for everything, all of the time when she is not well. I always seem to get the brunt of it. When she is ok, she can be the kindest, caring person you could meet. Its almost like a split personality. What didn’t help was on a recent visit her doctor actually said to her that she was “not ill”!! So why does she take Quetiapine and is under the care of the Community Mental Health Team? The effect this has had is that she goes around saying that she is not ill and it me that has the problem. We have two children and I’m extremely concerned on what they are picking up – and all the arguments etc…they must be wondering what is going on. I have been to our local councillor but they were not much help saying that “they cant help as your wife has the problem”.

I am feeling so alone and very desperate with this situation. If I seek help from friends, colleagues or healthcare professionals, the most I can hope for is “it must be hard” and “I don’t know how you cope” or “keep your chin up”. I know they mean well, but it doesn’t help solve the problem!

I really don’t know what to do or who to turn to. Her doctor wont speak to me because as you know, patient confidentiality and all that. The only thing I can do, which I have been doing, is writing letters to her doctor letting him know what is going on. The problem is, when she goes to the appointments, he sees her for about 10 mins as perfectly fine and doesn’t think there is a problem!!!

I would summarise her as:

• Far too anxious, depressive and extremely sensitive with regards to coping with everyday situations. This does often transpire into anger and irritability. She can get so anxious that she says strange things that don’t make sense and thinks irrationally.
• Extremely insecure and highly sensitive.
• Has many highs and lows – for no apparent reason a lot of the time.
• Can be paranoid and suspicious about some everyday occurrences.
• She does have very high “standards” and if everyone doesn’t comply with these high standards it can affect her mood. I think she would like a “perfect” husband and “perfect” family. Unfortunately, in the real world this does not exist as we all have our faults. She will complain a lot about me to her friends and family and doctor as I don’t fit into the “perfection” that she wants. After talking to family about this, they believe this is due to her insecurity.
• Regularly looks for someone to blame for things that are on her mind that are bothering her.
• She has no idea how much she upsets other people, namely our family. She does not realise what effect her actions have on people and how its makes us fed up and upset.
• Seems to need constant reassurance from myself, friends and family.

Please help!!! (Thanks in advance :) )
 
M

maudikie

Guest
Maudikie

As your wife is in contact with the Mental health Team I would ask them if you can have a "carer's assessment". First make a list of the things you need (or would like) then see the Team member. You are entitled to a break from time to time. It has been recommended that three sessions of break a week is required.
If you look at www.schizophreniawatch that is very helpful to carers. But there are now several headings, so make sure you get the right one.
It also appears to me that your wife needssome medical attention. Perhpas a change of medication, but that is for the professionals to decide.
I agree with you that the situation is bad for the children , so try to get it sorted as I am sure you are doing your best.
Keep in touch with the forum, it can help in getting your troubles off your chest! All best wishes :(
 
B

Blondie

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 28, 2010
Messages
396
Location
Lancashire
Look after yourself.Walking on egg shells all the time cannot be good for you. You have been riding the roller-coaster with her by the sounds of it.Have you thought of counselling yourself?
 
A

AussieGirl

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 29, 2010
Messages
54
Location
London
Your wife sounds exactly like me

God, reading that is almost like reading my own symptoms before I was diagnosed with bipolar - I eventually got so desperate to stop feeling like this that I went to the mental health team at my local hospital.

My partner struggled through all my highs and lows and it was terrible. He didn't know where to turn, he found his solace in talking to my parents (who are in another country) and gaining support from them. They then persuaded me to go to the hospital.

If you would like to talk to my partner to find out his side please feel free to private message me and I will give you his email address, because it might be nice to hear from someone who has supported it.

What dosage of seroquel is she on? I found seroquel rubbish in controlling my moods and am now taking epilim chrono which is stronger, early days yet but it is much better in terms of my stability. I also take a low dose of an antidepressant to catch those catastrophic lows.

I am sure that everyone that reads this will feel for you, because until she realises she has the problem and gets help, it'll be hard for you. Wait until she is not manic or depressed and try and suggest going to see someone together. My partner attends my sessions with my psychiatrist so he can understand what is going on.

As hard as it is, when she is manic or anxious, don't get mad at her, it will just add fuel to the fire. Be sure to touch her often and be affectionate with her, because this is a really important thing for people with bipolar. Instead of focusing on what she doesn't do, focus on what she does, I like many others with the same, am very very insecure and need constant reassurance, get to a point where she doesn't have to ask for it because you are feeding her constant positive feedback.

God I wish you all the best

CJ xxx
:grouphug:
 
D

dopper

Member
Joined
Apr 25, 2010
Messages
5
Location
UK
Many thanks for all your kind comments and suggestions! :)
It makes things a lot better knowing I'm not alone in all this.


Look after yourself.Walking on egg shells all the time cannot be good for you. You have been riding the roller-coaster with her by the sounds of it.Have you thought of counselling yourself?
I went to counselling a couple of days ago. I found it very helpful. It answered quite a few of my questions.


...What dosage of seroquel is she on?...
She was on 300mg all last year - then she got ill whilst on this same dose. The doctor up'd the dose to 400mg when she was ill. She has now been gradually coming down off the dose and now is on 200mg.

She has been a lot better the last few days - I hope it continues. But just as you think things are on the up she can get irritible again. So i'm not holding my breath.

Thanks again for all your kind comments. :):)
 
I

isa

New member
Joined
May 4, 2010
Messages
2
Location
glasgow
thats my mum

Hi x
I was just reading your first post and i could not believe that it sounds just like my mum!!! she was hospitilised many years ago as she had bad depression and had tried to commit suicide. She was there for a while and then got released. I do not remember the ins and outs as i was much younger then. But she is just like how you are describing your wife!! She makes my fathers life hell. He works too hard for her and she never lets him rest, go out,have fun!!! he has totally lost his identity because of her!! She does not receive any help or take any medication but i would be too scared to even mention it!!! Family life can be hell if she does not get her way!!!! but when she is calm she can be so loving and giving!!! dont know what to do?!?!?! Also my brother has Autism and still lives with them and that causes more strain on my dad as my mum and brother are always at each others throats!!! wish i could take him away from it all!!!!!! x

ISA x
 
D

dopper

Member
Joined
Apr 25, 2010
Messages
5
Location
UK
Hi ISA

I can understand what you are going through - its very tough. Its even more tougher for you as your mum cannot admit there is a problem and hence wont get the treatment she needs. I havent got any answers, but I do sympathaise. Just hang in there!!!


With regards to my wife, an update:
She has been less irritible for the last few days. However, she does seem very "full on" at the mo. Pretty hyper at times and wont sit still and relax. Also wont stop talking a lot of the time. When I am trying to watch the tele she is constantly talking all the way through it! She does not seem to have particulaly grand ideas but seems very "high" and excitable, almost as if she is "on" something. She is definaly not on anything she shoudnt be and her normal medication hasnt changed.

Is this ususal behaviour for someone with my wife's condition?:rolleyes:

Thanks.
 
M

maudikie

Guest
maudikie.

Hi! dopper. I hope you have managed to get some help by now. One thing i didn't mention is that people with mental illness often find face to face and eye toeye contact diffcult. If you can i should keep your daily contact well spaced. If she flies off the handle, just walk away and let her get it out of her ystem before you respond. I hope o have got your carers ssessment by now. Ar eyou getting all the benefits to which she is entitled? Are you in work or one of the unfortuate being unempoloyed or redundant? Another site where you ight find help (but don't leave us!) is Carers U.K.. I think theyy have groups where you can go and meet others.
Is your wife having medical supervision? If so and you are not satisfied I should persuade her to ask for a second opinion. It may be that hshe needs a change in medication.
Take care, and all best wishes.:):)
 
T

TherapyTribe

Member
Joined
May 15, 2010
Messages
16
Hi


I have just read your post.

It appears to me that your wife needs some medical attention. Perhaps a change of medication, but that is for the professionals to decide.


And also u must consult to some therapist .



thanks
 
D

dopper

Member
Joined
Apr 25, 2010
Messages
5
Location
UK
Hi guys.
I agree that I think the medication that she is on is no longer effective as it once was. She saw her mental health doctor last week and all he wanted to do was to increase the dose of the medication she is currently on!!!! She refused to increase them. This is so frustrating as they wont (or are not allowed) to listen to family. I know they are the professionals and probably dont like changing medication unless its absolutly neccessary but I know my wife better than anyone and over the last few years its clearly obvoius what works and what dont work and what makes her better and what is helpful in controling her mood!! And I can see the current medication isnt working as well as it did.

She has been awarded some DLA last year, but now wants to give it up as she "is so much better". She cant see what everyone else can see and thinks she is perfectly ok. In fact has started to reduce her medication as her doc said to do this the time before last. As I said above the doc is now backtracking and wants to increase it again. I guess this is sending confusing messages to her. She ended up have an argument with him about it.

I have been on a stress managment course today which has been quite helpful in understanding and managing stress.

At the end of the day I can talk to people, get help, go on courses etc.. and it will probably solve about 20% of the problems for me. The other 80% is down to the docs and the treament (be it medication, CBT or other). ie we would not really have any issues if she had the correct treatment and would be a happy family again. Its so frustrating.

Thanks again for all your help, rant over!!
 
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S

steve

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 28, 2009
Messages
46
Glad to hear improvements,
I've had similiar with my partner, no acceptance that she is struggling mentally, will not want to see mht, (in case of being sectioned again), you daren't contact mht, she'd go bananas.

When meeting mht she can be on very good behaviour, in fact mangaged to get discharged from their care only to be in coma a couple days later from od. On other occasions tho, she got sectioned twice for being unmanageable whilst with mht.

There can be a pattern re a stuborness to accept a more real world view of life and it doesn't matter if it is the mht or friends/relatives she will disagree with all.

Much respect to yourself and others in a similiar situation for being so supportive in very difficult circumstances.

Steve
 
B

Blondie

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 28, 2010
Messages
396
Location
Lancashire
Hi hun.I agree.You can sort yourself out and learn some way of coping but the root cause needs to be addressed to.Has your wife changed meds yet?My daughter suffers from rage,aggression and mood swings due to her terminal illness(see justgiving) so I understand to some point the effect can have on the whole family.My daughter is now on Risperidone which helps.have a look:

://www.netdoctor.co.uk/medicines/100002285.html
 
D

dopper

Member
Joined
Apr 25, 2010
Messages
5
Location
UK
Hey guys, thanks for the replies and I feel for you all who are going through a rough time with coping with someone close who has mental illness.

The wife hasnt had a change of meds yet. The doctor doesnt seem to want to change them. However, he has tried to ask her to increase the dose but she has refused saying "how much better" she is on the lower dose. She got quite annoyed with the doc about that. She also got really annoyed as the doc told her she has bipolar - she wont accept it and does not want the label. Quite understandable - but this just makes it harder to treat.
Up until about 2 weeks ago she was great for around 5 weeks before that. But 2 weeks ago she had a hospital consultation appointment and the stress of going there and discussing the particular thing she went to discuss really stressed her. She relasped a bit and started to get really moody and irritable again.

Also, good news - I have had a Carers Assessment where I actually got to talk to someone about the wife's condition and what effect it has on the family. They were going to get us all in a meeting and talk about a plan to combat future relapses but with the wife being ill again in the last couple of weeks that has been put on hold. Instead, they are going to talk to her doc again to try and find a way forward. I think her SHO doc will be changing soon as his 6 months is up. Maybe a change of doc might help.

The one thing that frustrates me the most is the fact my wife does not realise she has a condition and doesnt realise when she is ill (or in crisis). She blames the tablets, me or anything else for the way she is feeling and wont face up to the fact she has a condition. She appears to be in total denial. How or what can I say to convice her otherwise?

Life gets so stressful at times....this is what she can be like: she acts peculiar, says peculiar things, says things to her friends that I supposed to have said differently to how I said them, spends too much money, moody, very irritable and bad tempered at times, wants to treat her friends all the time or give money away, in a bad temper she has shown me her fist a couple of times, very anxious, paranoid, suspicious, highly strung, highy insecure.

She never used to be like this but she has had a condition on and off for the last 10 years, after the birth of our eldest daughter.

When she is well she is a caring, loving and calm person - just like she used to be.

Really sorry about the rant just had to get it off my chest!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
A

Angie Clinton

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 15, 2012
Messages
69
Long time flies. I wonder that you wife is fine now.
 
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