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Why now? What now?



New member
Mar 30, 2017
Hey guys,
I have been strict to a meal plan and exercise plan because for 4 years they worked so well. I was motivated, energetic, fit, beautiful, high performing, happy, active, and honestly extremely lean and muscular. I ate 100% clean (100%. For 4 years. High high protein, high fat, low low low carb. Ketosis level. No sugar, processed foods, grains, animal fats, red meat: pretty limited variety), slept well, woke up early to do high intensity interval training as well as walks and long walks on rest days (which I take 2 of every week), and felt great. I didn't feel like I was denying myself anything, or that I was pushing myself too hard. I felt authentic and satisfied and had amazing physical results, and never deviated from my plan.

I am still going through the motions, but now my feelings have changed, and I don't know why. I dread my workouts, I long for foods I HAVEN'T WANTED in years, and I feel mentally exhausted. I went through a period of binging (only on the healthy foods I have in my dorm, but regardless thousands of calories I didn't want or need: the pull was totally emotional and not biological too, I was never hungry or craving just lonely stressed and depressed). My sleep is suffering, I feel overwhelmed and anxious, and though I am extremely lean and muscular I am growing in my body dissatisfaction: because when I am happy I love my body, and right now I have so many doubts. Authenticity is so important to me, and right now I don't know if I'm really listening to my body. But, I am terrified that if I change my extremely high intensity workouts and clean meal plan that I will lose muscle tone and become less lean, right when the weather is getting warmer and people are supposed to be getting thinner. I like my body where it is and don't want it to change because I am too unmotivated to work out.

When I workout, I feel AMAZING. Empowered, strong, refreshed, rejuvenated, energized... it's really only before that I dread it. But I NEVER used to dread it! I looked forward to it! So why the change after all this time??

I feel like I cant trust my body at all. I have so much of my identity wrapped up in the intensity of my workouts and my six pack abs and sculpted arms (I look like a fitness model- absolute leanest and most muscular you can imagine). I feel (KNOW) that if I eat less clean and work out less intensely that I will gain fat and lose muscle tone. I can eat so much right now because I exercise so intensely, and worry that if I work out less that I will still crave that amount and not be able to adjust so will not be burning off the calories and will then gain weight.

I have been so disciplined for so long and the results have been amazing. I am just meeting new people in college and forming a new identity: I don't want the first summer I know them for them to see me less fit than I have always been: then they will think that is who I am instead of the super fit person I know I can be! I am so confused as to why this is happening now. I thought this was sustainable, and it HAS been! I don't know how to get my motivation and energy back, or why it has changed in college! I don't want to be the wrong end of a before and after picture. How should I move forward?
As a PS I have been through ED treatment for exercise addiction when I was underweight and working out every day way for longer and with no rest days, which is not where I'm at now! I've BEEN there, and rn I weigh more and work out less and take rest days. I am working w/a dietician and therapist for ED. But I am trying to find more support everywhere I can.
Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

Well-known member
Forum Guide
Apr 9, 2011
Magical fairy wonderland xxxx
welcome to the forum love from fairy lu
hope you find this place useful and make new friends soon xx