Why now? What now?



New member
Mar 30, 2017
Hey guys,
I have been strict to a meal plan and exercise plan because for 4 years they worked so well. I was motivated, energetic, fit, beautiful, high performing, happy, active, and honestly extremely lean and muscular. I ate 100% clean (100%. For 4 years. High high protein, high fat, low low low carb. Ketosis level. No sugar, processed foods, grains, animal fats, red meat: pretty limited variety), slept well, woke up early to do high intensity interval training as well as walks and long walks on rest days (which I take 2 of every week), and felt great. I didn't feel like I was denying myself anything, or that I was pushing myself too hard. I felt authentic and satisfied and had amazing physical results, and never deviated from my plan.

I am still going through the motions, but now my feelings have changed, and I don't know why. I dread my workouts, I long for foods I HAVEN'T WANTED in years, and I feel mentally exhausted. I went through a period of binging (only on the healthy foods I have in my dorm, but regardless thousands of calories I didn't want or need: the pull was totally emotional and not biological too, I was never hungry or craving just lonely stressed and depressed). My sleep is suffering, I feel overwhelmed and anxious, and though I am extremely lean and muscular I am growing in my body dissatisfaction: because when I am happy I love my body, and right now I have so many doubts. Authenticity is so important to me, and right now I don't know if I'm really listening to my body. But, I am terrified that if I change my extremely high intensity workouts and clean meal plan that I will lose muscle tone and become less lean, right when the weather is getting warmer and people are supposed to be getting thinner. I like my body where it is and don't want it to change because I am too unmotivated to work out.

When I workout, I feel AMAZING. Empowered, strong, refreshed, rejuvenated, energized... it's really only before that I dread it. But I NEVER used to dread it! I looked forward to it! So why the change after all this time??

I feel like I cant trust my body at all. I have so much of my identity wrapped up in the intensity of my workouts and my six pack abs and sculpted arms (I look like a fitness model- absolute leanest and most muscular you can imagine). I feel (KNOW) that if I eat less clean and work out less intensely that I will gain fat and lose muscle tone. I can eat so much right now because I exercise so intensely, and worry that if I work out less that I will still crave that amount and not be able to adjust so will not be burning off the calories and will then gain weight.

I have been so disciplined for so long and the results have been amazing. I am just meeting new people in college and forming a new identity: I don't want the first summer I know them for them to see me less fit than I have always been: then they will think that is who I am instead of the super fit person I know I can be! I am so confused as to why this is happening now. I thought this was sustainable, and it HAS been! I don't know how to get my motivation and energy back, or why it has changed in college! I don't want to be the wrong end of a before and after picture. How should I move forward?
As a PS I have been through ED treatment for exercise addiction when I was underweight and working out every day way for longer and with no rest days, which is not where I'm at now! I've BEEN there, and rn I weigh more and work out less and take rest days. I am working w/a dietician and therapist for ED. But I am trying to find more support everywhere I can.