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Why lie? (Is it just me?)

M

Marre

New member
Joined
Mar 31, 2015
Messages
1
Hi everybody,

Im having a rough time at the moment. Ive had a bit of a rocky life as it is and im not a real stable person (have bpd). But as I look back on my life I lied about a lot of things. Like major things! I disn't make stuff up completely but I did make them a lot worse as I told them to my group therapy people and therapists. I'm now suddenly overwhelmed with guild and tension in my entire body.

I do realise that I lie because I'm scared that if I tell the real version people will feel I have no reason to feel bad about what happend. So I just make things worse so I'm sure that people won't think I'm crying over nothing. Cause in their mind my issues may only feel small, so for them to take me and my feelings seriously, I lie.

I'm not sure what to do. Am I alone in this? I feel like a horrible person and am terrified what you think. Have never admitted to lying to anybody. (Unfortunately/fortunately I'm good at it) so nobody knows. Do I come clean? Will people understand or just question everything I say from then on?
Sorry if I'm rambling. Just nervous.

Night night for now, will try to have a sleep.

Xx from Amsterdam
 
H

HospitalForSouls

Active member
Joined
Feb 5, 2015
Messages
28
Location
Birmingham, UK
:welcome: to the forum Marre

I think it's likely that you are not alone in this. In severe BPD cases its reported that people are malicious and manipulative. Psychiatrists and Doctors are again split down the middle in this: some believe that it is a symptom, while others believe that it's categorised under an entirely different type of behaviour. I personally believe that the personality disorders, as a whole sector of MH issues, have a very wide range of symptoms and these symptoms often overlap between disorders-and in that sense, try not to think about this as being a malicious act against your friends-It is perhaps better to think of it as an antisocial behaviour. For example in terms of personality disorders, I mostly present with Borderline but have some symptoms of Antisocial-like I'll have some psychotic episodes, which comes under Borderline but then again, I also enjoy the idea of violence towards others (which I don't like to admit) and that isn't really a feature of BPD so much, but if this forum has taught me anything, its that you have to be honest with yourself in order to improve. When I end up being in a fight, which I do quite often, I will say to myself after the event: 'What triggered you to do this?' I see it like this: If you can find a reasonable answer to that question i.e. 'Well he started attacking me, so I defended myself' then it is a normal action... However, if the only answer you can find is something along the lines of: '...because I can' etc... then I would consider that an episode of antisocial behaviour. Again, I have also told tremendous lies before... However, the distinction between lies which were in a sense, normal, and those which were not, was the question 'Was it a necessity for you to lie at the time?'. Some of the lies I have told were with the intention of protecting my own integrity, for example, which I must take full responsibility for. Some lies I just told because I could. It wasn't ever going to change anything, but I could deceive somebody, take advantage of their naivety, and for me and my predisposition to antisocial behaviour, this felt good. When looking back on something like that in terms of guilt and responsibility, I refer to it as an 'antisocial behavioural episode'-but what that distinction really means is-'I think that this event was an act triggered by a predisposition within my personality disorder(s)' and so although I might try and critically analyse whether that was a good/bad action and what consequences it might have had, I don't get hung up with guilt. I try and look at these things in terms of the cognitive process i.e. 'That was a negative thought process and it may have had negative consequences... what should I do to turn that negative thought process into a positive one, in order to prevent this from happening again?'

Stay Safe xx :hug:
 
AliceinWonderland

AliceinWonderland

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Jan 25, 2012
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:welcome: marre

That's a difficult dilemma for you. In the case of your therapy group could you just start by telling the therapist in private, and let them help you work out what to do? I think most people would be understanding if your reason for lying is because you didn't think you'd be taken seriously if you told the truth. It doesn't sound like you have lied maliciously, and you don't sound like a horrible person at all, just someone who has had a lot to cope with. And I think people will see it's a brave thing to admit you haven't been totally honest. Good luck, and try and be as understanding and forgiving with yourself as you can. I hope you find the forum helpful and friendly :peace:
 
katya

katya

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Dec 4, 2013
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England
It's understandable that you would lie to get other people to understand how much you're hurting. I used to lie when I couldn't tell anyone about the sort of abuse that was happening at home. It sounds like, if you're hurting so badly, you don't need to lie about what's going on. Anyone who thinks it's nothing isn't worth your time anyway. I hope you feel better soon and you can find a way to express your feelings authentically, because you'll be closer to recovery if you do.
 
Unique1

Unique1

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Joined
Jan 27, 2015
Messages
8,765
Location
UK
Hello and welcome, :)
I read your post with interest.
IMO the nature if the beast ie MI sometimes makes us forced into putting on a front for others, this I believe to be all to do with stigma,
Many years ago I attended an assertiveness course, the tutor was very good. She said that in a room of people you will never be the only one feeling the way you feel. We are never alone in our feelings and thoughts. I bet others in the group did similar to you for fears similar to your own,
We have a way of being good at beating ourselves up. It sounds to me you had valid reasons when put on the spot for thinking how you did. One of my things about having MI is that people won't believe me, because by all accounts I look perfectly fine.
It's all part of it and I'm guessing a lot of us do it to some degree.
I don't have the answers but thought I would let you know my thoughts in the hope it helps you to feel your certainly not alone in this.
In a group situation I have actually said just that ie that I feel people won't believe just how bad I feel, and others in the group have agreed.
Hope what I'm trying to say makes a little sense, I'm not always good at getting stuff in a nutshell.
I wish you well, please don't think you are the only one.
Xx
 
T

Tiddle

Guest
Everybody in all walks of life lie whether they have a mental illness or not. In terms of what you have said to therapists and group members you did what you felt you had to at the time to get your message across regarding how much you were hurting. They do say that most BPD behaviours are learnt ways of getting our needs met they just happen to be maladaptive in most cases - the only way we have found because we didn't have the coping skills that 'normal' people do through different life experiences.

I have lied about things and have huge regrets. I have also come clean about a lot of stuff and believe me it doesn't really serve any purpose but to hurt others. Depending on the lie I do think that owning up isn't going to achieve much as long as you have learnt from it and have adjusted your behaviour for the future.

The problem however with lying to your therapist is that really you are lying to yourself because to them it's just a job. They take whatever you say and work with that and then at the end of the session they move on to the next client and the next. I seriously doubt they give what you say much thought outside of the therapeutic relationship - that's what they are trained to do. So by lying you may not be getting the help you need.
 
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