Why is stability so important to BPD

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Danni8989

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#1
Hi
I've been diagnosed with BPD for a few years and after 4 years of relative calm, chronic pain has triggered off a major crisis. Would anyone be able to explain why stability is so important to BPD? I hate the chronic feeling of emptiness it is so hard to explain why stability, having an identity and relationships are so important to us?
I'm so desperate for answers.
 
Cacucu

Cacucu

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#2
I quess as one of the symptoms originates from fear of being abondoned so you need to know where you stand with other people and if something about them feels unsure you would rather cut the ties than wait around and give them a chance to get to know you and leave you then by choice coz they cant handle to understand your illness. But we all still so different. Iv been diagnosed with it also about 4 years and didnt underestand it untill year ago and still learning everyday how to cope and why and what and eventhought you kno when others react or other things in life can still cause you to have set backs. Wish i could move to tibetian monestry or something lol. Its part of the illness really what makes us feel constantly like theres no stability and something bad is about to happen etc
 
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Drooo

Drooo

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#3
We probably crave stability because it's the thing we have least of in ourselves, but I also think it's something that everyone, BPD or otherwise, does crave. It's a primal animal trait to want predictability or stability. Imagine you're an animal looking for food and apply that thought: it's far better to have a stable, reliable meal, or safety, than to go without, or face unwanted surprises.
 
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Danni8989

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#4
Thank you both for confirming this. I have Hypermobility and literally out of know where I have Lost control of my body I.e from 1 dislocation a year to 12 this year, bladder issues, stomach issues , accident at work so I believe that all contributed to my downfall and a flare up of BPD. My now ex has finished with me but he says he understands BPD but my guy instinct is telling me the opposite. Should I follow that gut instinct? It just seems so strong. Him leaving me of course has left me feeling abandoned/rejected but it feels like he is punishing me for my physical decline. All these emotions are so strong! I'm really greatful I'm getting some replies in my close circle no one u derstand BPD and they refuse to acknowledge it or even research it. 😭
 
Cacucu

Cacucu

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#5
Gosh . How are you feeling ? I mean i know how it feels etc , but do you feel your going to be ok with your break up from your ex ? How long were you together and if he understand you what was his sorry excuse for leaving you ?Iv been thourght few break ups and one broke up with me 3 x right after my bday before his onwe were on /off for years. He would leave me when i jad bad times and come back when i was all confident and good again.But it came out he was a cheat and i ignored red flags coz he would say im overthinking and paranoid and crazy and well i thought i was due my illness. But usually guts are right ....atleast in my case. Here for you anytime you need to speak. Iv been thru same things I know how it feels for you . I was years with my friends all thought im happy go lucky kind of girl who just dont settle with bfs and is some level crazy but ohh so cool. Little did they know and i have no circle now really. Just family and few close friends. I dont miss any of those ignorant peeps . Its hard for us to fully understand our illness aswell and sometimes tho we do get it , its hard to behave " reasonable" way. Hope you have your familys support and that you dont feel too bad. Hugs x
 
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Danni8989

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#6
Hi Cacucu
I'm absolutely traumatised as it just extra stuff on top when I'm trying to accept the dislocations which happen without trauma I.e. opening up a door I've dislocated my shoulder is now going to be part of my life. So I have this fear that everyday I am going to dislocate. I kept having this thought that he was going to leave me and I would ask him if we were ok he kept telling me we was. So I put it done to paranoia and thought it was me being stupid but in actual fact he kept lying to me and he was unhappy! He clearly doesn't understand BPD nor does he understand that trauma a sudden dislocation can do of course that's acceptable because you would have to go through that physical trauma to have an understanding! So unspent hours typing up paragraphs from a book called ' Loving someone with BPD' he had the copy for a month and I find out on yesterday that he doesn't understand invalidation or validation. I couldn't really explain it so ive looked it up today and I now know why when he said things like 'there is always someone in a worse off situation than you' with that comment I would explode in rage and fear followed by sadness now I know why he has invalidated me throughout which has caused me to bottle up! But it's always easier to blame someone with BPD that they are in the wrong because we are likely to believe it! Seriously he needs educating. I'm tired of people invalidating how I feel then they wonder why I break down over it. I've lost alot of my DBT skills so I'm having to research and go over then again. Thabktou for you reply we were together for 18 months he was the first person that hasn't sexually assaulted me and we was supportive by helping me when the physical pain got to much so that is why I have latched on like a blood sucking leech. Thank you for confirming about the gut instinct. I'm sorry to hear that your ex cheated on you that to me is such a betrayal. Very little family support it's because of my family I have BPD years of emotional abuse that's why I distance myself from them. So when I had my accident at working January I may have mentioned dislocated my hip and shoulder within seconds fell on the floor in complete shock I couldn't get up. After a trip to hospital I told my dad and the first thing he said was ' you need to stay out of A&E' I think a part of me died and that's why I suppressed those emotions for months because I was invalidated I thought I shouldn't feel any emotion towards the accident. Big hugs to you back x
 
Cacucu

Cacucu

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#7
Thats sounds painful . My knee dislocates (old injury gone worse )and this alone has put me down at times .Its harder when on top of mental issues you feel physically so in pain and poorly. I hope you get help for your shoulder. Physio theraphy they claim helps, but im due to find out with my knee. It sounds like maybe he kindda hoped you just go back to " normal " and only you have to change your behaviour to get better , but your right , chasing your right with someone who has BPD is stupid , thats just gonna sets me off. Its like i know whats right when im calmed down , but you saying stuff like that just makes me feel like patronised and belittled . And then the sadness and hate towards yourself afterwards . When i started to get diagnosis was only 2013 after my father died and tho my ex knew he also lied months and just left me alone till i just broke up with him and that shallow person told me " i dont know how you feel and how to be there for you coz i have never lost anymone ". Thats the thing , we are vurneable , we can choose who we let into our lives but cant ever stop them going once they decide they had enough of us. I barely speak to my family as my abuse happened withing family and i was brought up by very oldschool nan. I only speak to my older brother really. Honestly i blocked my nan out for time being only been so month or 2 coz everytime she would call she says bad things what upsets me .i but it down on her ignorance and old age.
Maybe your father is bit same. Its all in your head and your just overreacting. It hurts when family is like that...you feel like well no point talking about my things then if they always say get over or blame you. And its normal you to feel like you did towards your ex. When my father died i didnt think iloved that ex either but then he was there for me first few weeks after and that was first time any bloke had seen me in that state. I never ever was looked after till then . I would never let anyone see me upset or sick. I would not miss a single day at work etc.so then i felt like omg he is so nice to me i love him soo much. Gratitude. If he was always shutting you out and upsetting you with his lack of knowledge about your illness then your better off without him . And trust me , you will feel strong and independant again....it may not seem like that first , but you will be ok. And also it dosent make your ex a bad person , he just aint the right one for you. Like you said he didnt know the meaning of those words even .....ok didnt kno ...but did he bother to adk or look up. He wanted you to just take blame and sort yourself out and get better but god its so hard to get better around someone who is so ignorant coz you keep explaining it to them and they still go " why ? " you start getting angry and upset coz you feel like you get better results just banging your head against the wall then talking to a human wall. Whose mind is just shut. Sorry for long reply. Hope it makes sense to you. Im glad your talking here about your things and get support with your issues or atleast you know they read your things and your not alone.x
 
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Danni8989

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#8
Hey
Ouch about the knee! I haven't done that in a long time but getbthe swelling ect. Maybe deep down you needed a break from your nan as she was making you feel worse your right it could be that she is old school. If someone stresses you out that much it's likely to be a trigger and it may be in your best interest to step back for a bit. I have found it doesn't take much for a trigger at the moment I know lack of sleep is one of them. I'm starting my first session of CAT therapy on Saturday so I will go a long and see of that seems my cup of tea I think I need something quite intense at the moment. I'm starting to do look at my DBT skills and I will hopefully be informing the ex about invalidating. I think he may deserve a medal for the most insensitive things to say I quote "there is always someone worse off than you" bloody he'll my anger emotion exploded. Therapist couldn't believe he said something like that. Pain clinic in Monday I don't particularly want to go as I'm not in the frame of mind to change my habits but if I put it off I never go back so I just have to face it. It may be the only way I'm going to get physio and proper help. It's just facing a fear. Ha no worries about the long reply I did have to reread a couple of times but it's distracting me. You never know one day my father may actually change his ways it's going to have to really because our relationship has changed and if I keep dislocating the way I am I'm pretty sure there will be some damage along the lines. What sucks about BPD is that I would do anything to be alone which is hard to accept especially with the physical. But hopefully some sort of therapy will help. I do hope your knee does make some improvement I know I find with the cold/wet weather my joints ache so much more not that we get to escape that here very here! It's very easy to be blamed by others because of how emotional we are it's he easy way out isn't it because of our 'history if ibcan word it like that. How are you feeling at he moment? Big hugs x
 
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