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Why I'm Here

T

TheRedStar

Guest
So I've said hello, and posted a few times regarding general chatty subjects, but I've not said anything much about what's wrong with me until now. After the kind of day I've had today though... well, here goes.

I've apparently got cyclothymia, but you know what? By and large I can handle it... I get sad thinking about what I could have been without it, but by and large I'm reconciled with that. I'll probably always be too inconsistent to have a career and a mortgage and pretty much anything which involves stability, and I'll probably never be able to plan my life any more than a few days in advance, and the deep depressions are horrible, but at the same time I feel so alive during the highs, dream such grandiose dreams, have so much energy pumping through my system, and all in all I feel 16 again.

It's the relationship issues I can't handle though. I haven't had a proper girlfriend in four and a half years, haven't even had a date for three and a half, and physical stuff... well, I'm still a virgin at 31. THAT aspect is horrible, frustrating, embarrassing, and the biggest stick to beat myself with when I'm in the mood to do so.

I fell for someone I work with. I saw her when I went for my initial interview and fancied her straight away, and then when I started getting to know her I realised I was even more attracted to her personality. The moment she described herself to me as a 'dreamer' - which is what I've been saying for years that I most want my partner to be - I lost all controlover my emotions; I just thought that must mean something, you know?

It didn't. It took me until last month to tell her how I felt - after eight months - and I only did so because I found out that she'd guessed that I *liked* her. The response was a no... she said that she's not ready to be in another relationship - I'd guessed that'd be her answer, and I'd been warned by other people that it would be her answer. As such, I was also told by other people - including her - that I shouldn't take it personally.

But I find it hard not to, and I find it so hard to be around her now. A month has passed and I know I should be getting over this, but I'm not. I thought I was doing OK, but today I saw her for the first time in three weeks and the moment I laid eyes on her it was like being taken straight back to square one.

I just feel beaten and broken. I really thought she was the right girl for me - we seem to have so many similar interests, I always felt that we got along well, and she has so many of the traits that I want in someone else that it's ridiculous. Before she rejected me I thought that must mean something, but now I'm thinking the fact that someone who seemed so right just rejected me out of hand must be what really means something.

I can't help but think what it means is that I'm not good enough for someone I desire. I've long thought that way to be honest, but now I've got even more evidence to believe that. I've been rejected so many times in a row now that I think even the sanest and strongest of people would have at least some self-doubt starting to creep in.

I feel so ugly and disgusting... I hate the way I look. I've had people - mental health professionals - mention BDD, but I've never been formally diagnosed with it. I don't think I've got it - my argument is that if someone really is ugly then believing so isn't an illness; it just denotes a good level of self-perception and self-honesty.

I say self-perception, but it's not as though I had to figure it out for myself - I've been turned down enough times because of my physical aspect (yes, I've been told that), and last year a couple of close, long-term friends told me that it'll always be hard for me because of how I look. It hurt, but I respected their honesty - better that than being bullsh*tted.

I just don't see the point in continuing to try, you know? It hurts to know that, in the eyes of many women, I've been dismissed before I've even opened my mouth. That nothing I can do or say will make any difference. I stopped going out on Friday and Saturday nights about ten years ago because I got fed up with trying to catch someone's eye and having them make it obvious that they'd rather look at anything but me. Going out's supposed to be fun, right? Supposed to be an escape from your troubles? Not for me... it was just a reminder of mine.

It's at times like these I feel so vulnerable. I find myself wondering what the point of continuing is, and I probably don't need to tell you where that chain of thought leads me. What I want most from life - and always have wanted most - is to fall in love with someone who loves me equally. Nothing else comes close to that, nothing. What's the point of life when you feel so sure that you will never have what you want? What's the point of life when the thing you're most scared of - spending the rest of it on your own, and never again receiving physical affection - feels as though it'll probably - definitely - be what comes to pass?

Everything just feels so empty and meaningless right now. People keep telling me that I'll be fine next month - I'm starting university. They say that I'll meet loads of girls, and I will, but 'girls' is the operative word. What a sad old man I'll look like if I go around chasing 18 year olds, and I don't want an 18 year old anyway... to be honest, I don't think someone of that age would be able to handle me.

Or want me, for that matter. Yeah, I'll be surrounded by loads of girls, true, but that meaning more opportunity for me? Only if by 'more opportunity' you mean more opportunity to be told where to go :(

I'm sorry for the whinge... if you've got this far then thank you. No-one in my everyday life seems to understand, and I just hope that someone on here can. Actually no, I don't... to understand would probably mean to be like me, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I don't think I've ever hated anyone in my life enough to wish them loneliness.
 
Lion Heart

Lion Heart

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 24, 2009
Messages
739
Location
kent
hey tomedcollins,your time will come mate,its not a race,i thort the same as you untill i meet my girl,no need to be embarrassed tomedcollins,you just have not found the right one yet,give it time.i was a late starter too you no

my girl loves it that she was my first & only girl,trust me you will find your match so stop beating youself up over it

take care,i hope you find her soon ;)
 
A

Apotheosis

Guest
It's the relationship issues I can't handle though. I haven't had a proper girlfriend in four and a half years, haven't even had a date for three and a half, and physical stuff... well, I'm still a virgin at 31. THAT aspect is horrible, frustrating, embarrassing, and the biggest stick to beat myself with when I'm in the mood to do so.
Thanks for sharing all that Tom. It was from the heart. It's good to read something so real. :) I identify with most of it.

I haven't been in a relationship for close to 12 years. I have kind of given up too. During this time; I did sleep with someone one night, a couple of years ago, but I didn't enjoy it much.

Before this solitude & loneliness, I had some relationships, but nothing over a year. There were around 3 main relationships, & a handful of more casual affairs. Probably had around 10 or so partners that I have slept with. But the truth is that, although I have had feeling for them, none of them were that special for me, & TBH; I was with all of them primarily for sex. No woman I have been in a relationship with has ever been faithful, although I have been with them.

The last relationship I was in really effected me, for a number of reasons. I was very hurt from it. I am looking for someone for the friendship, companionship, & romance - someone to share my life with. I never seem to meet anyone who I really click with. I feel very shut down with my feelings.

It's at times like these I feel so vulnerable. I find myself wondering what the point of continuing is, and I probably don't need to tell you where that chain of thought leads me. What I want most from life - and always have wanted most - is to fall in love with someone who loves me equally. Nothing else comes close to that, nothing. What's the point of life when you feel so sure that you will never have what you want? What's the point of life when the thing you're most scared of - spending the rest of it on your own, and never again receiving physical affection - feels as though it'll probably - definitely - be what comes to pass?
I feel pretty much the same way.

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I do think that we have Soul Partners; but maybe things don't always work out. Who knows who we will meet? Maybe no one - maybe the people of our dreams.
 
B

Ben

Guest
After your supporting response to my question i openened your profile and found this posting. i'm so sorry to hear you feel so low. It is really hard to believe the way you look will block you from having a happy romantic relationship with the love of your life. Nobody's perfect. and believe me, there are a lot of women out there who's first priority is certainly not how a man looks.

Hold on, you sound like a man knowing to talk about his emotions. Out of my own experience: this is what women need much more than someone that looks like a beauty (besides that many of them are afraid of others starting to run after 'their' man when he looks like a movie star, so even prefer not to choose the most good looking;)).

And about this girl that you fell in love with, telling you she is not ready... maybe you should really try to believe what she and others around you tell. It sounds like it is honestly nothing about you, but about her not being ready.

Wishing for you to find someone that will want to be with you as much as you with her. She's out there somewhere, waiting for you to find her, i'm sure.
 
A

Ainsworth

Guest
I feel so ugly and disgusting... I hate the way I look. I've had people - mental health professionals - mention BDD, but I've never been formally diagnosed with it. I don't think I've got it - my argument is that if someone really is ugly then believing so isn't an illness; it just denotes a good level of self-perception and self-honesty.

I say self-perception, but it's not as though I had to figure it out for myself - I've been turned down enough times because of my physical aspect (yes, I've been told that), and last year a couple of close, long-term friends told me that it'll always be hard for me because of how I look. It hurt, but I respected their honesty - better that than being bullsh*tted.
hey tomedcollins

just my thoughts here but who writes the chart on physical aspects and what a partner would want from someone else. we are all different and what one sees as attractive another doesnt. i dont like the idea of your friends saying that to you, even if they are long-term friends and you believe they are honest (sorry if that offends, dont mean to) :(

if you widen your circle you will meet more people but understand that can be hard especially with how you feel about your self imagine. i have a friend who was a virgin until he was in his late 20's, as sex was a huge step for him and got dumped one time because he couldnt have sex with that person, so didnt have relationships because of it and how he felt. he found someone and fell in love, ended badly, knocked him for six but joined a dating website. has lots of friends and has met a partner now who hes very happy with. but it took alot for him to push past the rejection.

takecare
 
T

TheRedStar

Guest
no-more-weed, Apotheosis, Ben, and unremarkable... thank you for taking the time to read my post, and for all of your kind words; they were very much appreciated :)

The whole story with the girl from work had another chapter added earlier on, and not a good one :( As I said in my initial post I found it hard to be around her on Wednesday and it hasn't got any better... as such, I've been doing what I can to avoid her. I thought I was doing it in as subtle a way as possible, but obviously not as she asked our boss why I was ignoring her. She also said that it was making things awkward and - here's the money shot - "It's not my fault I don't fancy him".

So there it is, the truth. Finally. So all that "I'm not ready to be in a relationship at the moment" spiel was a lie. I knew this in my heart, but for a change I wanted to try not to be cynical and to attempt to believe that maybe the problem wasn't with me after all. More fool me, huh?

I feel hellish right now... the upshot is that I've got a specialist appointment next week and I think I'm going to be in the perfect mood for that! I'm so angry with this woman... she's off for a week now and it's probably for the best, because I'm spoiling for an argument. She lied to me and I'm furious about it... the person who told got worried that I hate him for telling me, but not at all - at least someone had the common decency to tell me the truth. It's true that it's not her fault she doesn't fancy me - after all, if I was a woman I wouldn't fancy me - but neither is it my fault that I do fancy her. If it's awkward for her then I'm genuinely sorry, but it's hard having this living, breathing emblem of how I'm 'not good enough' right in front of me and I can't handle it right now so I feel the need to avoid her. Besides... it's only awkward for her for an hour a day, when the end of her shift and the start of mine coincides, and I daresay that afterwards she doesn't give two sh*ts. It's awkward for me though every bloody waking minute of my poxy life, so please forgive me if I'm a little more concerned about my own welfare at this point in time.

I feel really beaten... I'd forgotten how much it hurts, and there's nothing I can take for it. I've been thinking about self harming as a distraction from the pain... I've only ever given into that temptation once, but just having it in my head is distressing enough. I've also been thinking about darker stuff... everything just seems pointless, you know? Every time it's all 'you're a nice guy but I just don't fancy you'... my confidence and self-esteem are ruined, and it's crept into every area of my life. I'm supposed to be going to uni next month... not like this. I'm supposed to be enrolling within the next week or so but it's not going to happen while I'm like this and I think I'll be like this for a while... I'll either try to defer for a year or drop out, but I think that for the forseeable future I'll need to look after myself in as much peace and as little stress as possible.

But what's the point in trying anyway? I'm supposed to be studying creative writing and psychology, but I'm no writer same as I'm not boyfriend material. And psychology?! I think that's my attempt at black humour... I'll only be any good on the course as a tool for the others to study abnormal psychology and treatments.

I don't want to try again with anyone else because I can't go through this pain again... it just hurts more than I can bear; I hate being left feeling so ugly and worthless and undesirable, and I hate being this person full of anger and frustration and bitterness. My Dad died alone and was alone for years before that. My Mum's been alone for about 15 years, is currently alone, and almost certainly will be until she passes on. It'll be the same for me, I know it; I can feel it.

I wish I was older so I didn't have so long to wait until I'm gone. I wish I could just give up and get taken into a hospital and spend the rest of my life doped up and watching TV, no longer tearing my head apart by daring to attempt to have a normal life and find someone to love who loves me. I'm tired of the fear and the loneliness and the negativity inside me, tired of baring my soul to strangers because I either have to (doctors) or because it's the only way to explain why I'm so damn strange (friends, colleagues, bosses), and I'm even tired of all the useless medications making me literally tired. At times like this I'm tired of living to tell the truth. I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up.

I'm sorry, I'm just really upset right now and I want to sleep but I can't... I'm tired, but when I shut my eyes I keep taunting myself with how disgusting I am and how I might as well give up and how the last boyfriend was able to get her. I'm sick of life being like this :(
 
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Lion Heart

Lion Heart

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 24, 2009
Messages
739
Location
kent
hey this has happend to me before,i was thinking same stuff as you after too.

man you just need to chill,she was not right for you & thats it , DONE & DUSTED

just because she has turned you down & you have herd them words,ITS NOT MY FAULT IF I DO NOT FANCY HIM,its no reson to let it get to you this much mate.

she proberly found it just too hard to tell you to your face mate,take it with a pinch of salt dude,when you see her next dont worrie about going mad at her,just say we are still mate yer ? :cool:

dont go thinking that you are too ugly or anything like that mate,i would bet my life mate someone out there will find you good looking & would wont you BAD,there is someone for everyone in this world i am telling you,

GO LOOK FOR HER SHE IS WAITTING FOR YOU,MAY BE HARD TO FIND HER BUT SHE IS OUT THERE (y)
 
Lion Heart

Lion Heart

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 24, 2009
Messages
739
Location
kent
you see one girl could think you was ugly & a diffent girl think you are there cuppa tea

since being on this planet this is what i have learnt anyway,some girls think i am ugly but others think i am lush.

i could think a girl is good looking & my brother will say she looks like a right dog,everyone has got diffent taste :rolleyes:
 
A

Apotheosis

Guest
Every time it's all 'you're a nice guy but I just don't fancy you'... my confidence and self-esteem are ruined, and it's crept into every area of my life.
I really do identify with all that you have written; especially in the way that you feel. I don't even bother getting to the stage of being rejected, I won't put myself in that position. If a woman wants me, then she will have to do the work. I have far too much anxiety around it all, & too little confidence.

For myself, I just try to not think about it all too much, or to focus on this 'stuff', & I know that is hard to do. But there are also bonuses to being on your own, especially with time, & how we choose to live. I look at friends in relationships, & most of them don't appear very happy. I don't want another relationships like one of the ones I was in before, I would rather be alone than that.

People tell me that I am not ugly, & that I have a good figure, but I don't feel that handsome, & I feel embarrassed by my body, I am overweight, & the meds have given me a pair of moobs. I get such high levels of anxiety around any kind of romance - that I can no longer hide it, or try to pretend that it isn't there.

I do really understand how hard all this must be for you. But maybe just try to forget about it, be yourself, don't worry about the future, & just concentrate on doing other things, & finding other things that you enjoy. I know that this is very much easier said than done. & I too would love to be in a relationship with someone that loves me like I love them. But maybe that isn't our lot at the moment. I am trying to be more philosophical around all of this - like a kind of monk. Maybe there is some kind of important learning curve or lesson here? I have certainly learnt, & am learning self sufficiency, independence of thought & action, independent living, & a degree of maturity & growth in certain areas; that I doubt would be there, was it not for being alone for so long. I am far better able to work on certain things, than if if I had been in relationships ~

I am not putting down people in relationships, or negating how certain people live. I have, however observed certain things in others. Certain people I know cannot be alone. The entire time I have known them they have been in relationships, they often cheat, & when one relationship ends, they are straight back into another. They seem very fearful of certain scenarios, & of looking at certain things (of looking at themselves). In certain areas there is a lot of development, but in others there is very little. Very often people having a partner, is a way of getting away from themselves, & not looking at any great depth at themselves. I have observed too that people with these behaviours often get very cynical around the opposite sex & intimate relations, (both men & women). Those with, & who have had multiple partners, of both sexes, appear to get very cynical about the stereotypical attitudes towards the sexes, & cynical about having a deeper, caring, more meaningful relationship ~

& yes, I get jealous too; I think that even that would be better than being alone. But on balance I am not so sure. I do not want a string of sexual encounters, & one after another of shallow, deceptive & largely meaningless relationships with the accompanying attrition & arguments. Relationships often bring all the issues & defects of people up to the surface; they are not often lubby dubby wondrous romances. People often stay with others, because they fear being alone, or they compromise who they are to be in these relationships. Any relationship requires work, even the ones that work have their ups & downs, & are not all roses. & although sex can be good, especially within a loving partnership; it really isn't all it's cracked up to be; & has to be the most overrated human activity that there is; seriously. Sex is the satisfying of the strongest human desire - the need to procreate. & in many ways that's all it is; & whatever nonsense people choose to believe; that is usually the basis for most human inter sex relations - I suppose I agree far more now with Freud than I used to. Granted that there are more loving relations that have more than this basis - but I would say that they are not that common, if people were honest.

There is also this social pressure to be in a relationship; & it is somehow seen as abnormal or strange to be alone - Why? What is so wrong in being alone? Personally I see most relationships people are in as being abnormal - not the people living alone. But this social conditioning is very subtle & powerful. There is very strong suggestion that we should be sad if we are alone; but that is nonsense. This is all another of the bizarre unspoken rules of the masses - that live in pseudo sanity, & who display more pathology than those on a nut ward.

I hope that you have an idea of what I am on about?

The thing with me, that makes me think I am unattractive to the opposite sex; has really nothing to do with looks. I don't think that looks are really that important. Look around at who women go with - you see a lot of really beautiful women with a lot of out of shape, fat & ugly men. I don't think that looks is what things are about ~

In my case I get self stigmatising with the MH stuff, & project that others are stigmatising & discriminatory, based on me having a MH problem. People tell me that isn't so, but I can't rid myself of the idea. Maybe this is even happening on an unconscious level with others? Or maybe I think, that due to experiences I appear different, in my mannerisms, speech, & demeanour? ~

My brother tells me that it is the vibe that I project - & maybe he is right? He says it is like this 'stay away' attitude that I have - & maybe there is truth; in that on one level I have blocked relationships.

I won't waffle on too much longer - What I am trying to say is to maybe look at all that you are - You come across as articulate, intelligent, humorous, & charismatic. As a well rounded human being. I know how it feels to think that there is something seriously wrong, & that there is a lot missing - But maybe there isn't! This is how I am trying to look at it all now. Maybe where I am at; then this is where/how I am meant to be, for the best personal growth ~

But what's the point in trying anyway? I'm supposed to be studying creative writing and psychology, but I'm no writer same as I'm not boyfriend material. And psychology?! I think that's my attempt at black humour... I'll only be any good on the course as a tool for the others to study abnormal psychology and treatments.
It sounds admirable & a great achievement for you to be going to study. I can't get it together to do any more courses. I wanted to try & do a degree & maybe look at psychology; but it is too much for me to take on. Go for it! - Things are never like how we imagine them to be. You don't have to bear all on your courses. & I can assure you; that in reality, you will be one of the saner & more balanced people on the course. You will find that in doing the course - that the 'normals' are not all they are cracked up to be - seriously.

I wish I was older so I didn't have so long to wait until I'm gone. I wish I could just give up and get taken into a hospital and spend the rest of my life doped up and watching TV, no longer tearing my head apart by daring to attempt to have a normal life and find someone to love who loves me. I'm tired of the fear and the loneliness and the negativity inside me, tired of baring my soul to strangers because I either have to (doctors) or because it's the only way to explain why I'm so damn strange (friends, colleagues, bosses), and I'm even tired of all the useless medications making me literally tired. At times like this I'm tired of living to tell the truth. I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up.
I would think that just about everyone on this site has felt like that at one stage or another, & I can certainly fully identify with it. :)
 
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A

Ainsworth

Guest
ok for me its not about looks, though mr remarkable is lovely in every way :D

There is (as N-M-W says) someone for everyone in this world. Im married, yet have had countless people ask my OH why he is with me because of my MH issues. Been told lots of times how they wouldn’t of married me or stayed with me and put up with the crap and bad behaviours that I do/have. It can knock you, when its repeated over and over again and you then start believing them, especially when your in a low place and self hate is soul destroying. This is why im so against friends ‘telling the truth’ because the truth is only as they see it. Just because they think it doesn’t make it correct or true. Its an opinion and nothing more. And it just feeds the insecurities that someone can have and it upsets me that you accept that they can say that to you and feel they have done you a favour and been a good friend.

I believed for a long time I was a bitch, I allowed people to say it to me, as believed it was the truth, until someone told me it was unacceptable behaviour to allow that as I wasn’t a bitch I was straight forward and assertive.

to believe the bad and nothing else stops the good from showing through, im a good person the same as you, lucky for me i found my partner at 20, your havent found yours yet but you will. (i also bet N-M-W life on it too :p )
 
J

jamesdean

Guest
My reply is so simple I have a walking [email protected] age 47 I have an ileostomy I have a mental illness I have diabetes T have diabetes I dont own a house a car all I have that I actually own ismy stereo and tv I'm£10,000 in debt I have no education,I talk either to much about nothing or I cannot even string a sentance together some days my sex drive drives me mad I had body dysmorphic for most of my life until I was 33 but I have had the most wonderful loving relationship for the last 15 yearswith the guy who is my soulmate I didnt even think I was capable of love, but I always had adream that one day that I would be beautiful n that day has come has true has whot I have just written by many a description I am a cripple, not such a catch but there was somone there for me my nan always told me there is somone for everyone n she said to me if you dont find that person then marry someone for money.
I wish and have enough hope and love in my heart to say that you will all that are searching will find your perfect soul mates.
 
A

Apotheosis

Guest
that are searching will find your perfect soul mates.
I am very happy that you have found such a loving relationship. & I try to have hope that there is someone for me, & that I will meet them, & one day be in a loving relationship myself.

~ But after 12 years of solitude, & being alone - Hope wears very very thin. & I look around, & I see a a lot of sad & lonely people - whether in relationships or not. & many people don't find loving relationships, & they don't meet the people of their dreams -

I don't want to get all negative, but ~

A friend said this to me the other day -

So many come and go without the blink of an eye or anyone to notice. Life isn't a fairy tale, that's for sure.
I think that he's probably right. Life isn't a picnic. What you have found JD; I think is in fact very rare.
 
J

jamesdean

Guest
Pre age 33I was abused at age 13 he took my virginity away fromme n so I wasnt allowed to deveop properly into the beautiful person that I am now I had another guy offer me the world that threw a drink in my face because I'm sorry I didnt even feel love I have an awful marriage I had a guy who beat the fuck out of me for two years and post breakdown I had guy who pushed me down the subway in the street because he was jealous that i looked at another guy, I have a father that called me a peodophile.

I wasnt capable ofloving someone but it just happened no one know s the whole story ofour lifes until we die,I do understand how you guys feel but Equally Ilove my own company and I'm allowed to be my own person with my bf n I allowe him his time for his thoughts for his job etc I dont think it s healthy to have seperate socila lifes because that just leads to trouble but we some different friends, we are possiably even on a different journey but it works if you can handle the silences sometimes that has to be the greatest difficulty, but to sometimes when to speakupor say nothing because it can hurt which is nokowing how each others minds work we have just been the most difficult two years but we have come through it n we nearly split butlove reinvents it self believeme.

For inspiration listen to the words of the pet shop boys new album
 
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