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Why I keep defending this "relationship"

A

AngryBird21

Active member
Joined
Jun 8, 2021
Messages
27
Location
India
Okay so there might be very good reasons why this relationship I have with this guy is unhealthy. (Or am I thinking too much?) Everytime I start thinking about this, there's this debate in my mind, a part of me just consistently comes up with things in favour of me continuing this relationship, always defending him and all his actions. I will put up a short version of the debate for some clarity:

Reason it's unhealthy: He doesn't feel the same way about me. Says he is emotionally incapable as of now because of past instances.

Defence: That's okay. He cares about me and likes me and I feel happy and safe around him and so what if he doesn't feel the same way, I get to be with him.

Reason: I feel like it's just me who is making an effort and I don't feel appreciated enough for the efforts I make

Defence: I'm just overthinking, he makes the effort he can given his situation.

Reason: He isn't in a place to prioritise this relationship. His family and friends don't know about my existence. He doesn't think about any long term future.

Defence: He will eventually get at a place when he will, I know that one friend.. his childhood best friend got to know about me after 1.5 years of being in his life..

I don't feel important or appreciated or wanted in this thing. Sometimes he does really sweet things and he is just in a bad place.. I don't know..

Am I just overthinking things.. should I just let go and enjoy.. but I can't seem to let go of these thoughts and doubts and I also don't want to not be around him.
 
P

Purpleplum

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 7, 2020
Messages
2,257
Location
nowhere
I don't feel important or appreciated or wanted in this thing. Sometimes he does really sweet things and he is just in a bad place.. I don't know..
Do you want to be a "sometimes" or do you want to be a priority? It's all about how much you value yourself.
 
M

mcsen17

Member
Joined
Jun 7, 2021
Messages
9
Location
Madrid
Hi Angry,

I went through the same situation. You already know the answer but it's not easy to hear even more if it's yourself who is supposed to say that: I don't know you, but you're an amazing human being and you deserve a person who gives you the 200% of their attention. That's it. You're still there because he's not able to move on or he's comfortable in that situation but he is telling you everything: He is not committed to your relationship and he doesn't want anything in the long term.

I had the same relationship. She told me those things too and I thought that she could change her mind one day, but it doesn't work like that. Look, you're a marvelous person and you don't have to be making an extra effort in order to keep him by your side because maybe one day he's going to be in a really bad mood and he's going to kick you off of his life, because he's simply not committed to your relationship.

I know it is not easy to move on especially when you love someone but you have to understand that this relationship is killing you two and is also killing your mental stability. I know it is not easy to believe in what he is saying but he is not lying to you, he is telling you that he's not committed to the relationship, and yea, sometimes he's really sweet or even romantic but I sometimes want to kill my boss then am I a serial killer? It's just a mirage. The real person is telling you the truth. He doesn't want to prioritize the relationship and he doesn't even think about you in the long term. He doesn't love you or he just loves something else more than you: maybe a lifestyle or drugs or something, or maybe he really needs to be alone.

I have a lot of empathy and I can feel what you're going through but you have to stop, sit yourself and think about all the things he is telling you, because that's the only truth and the most difficult part is accepting that he's not going to change at all. People only change when they want, not when we want them to change. So, I know it's almost impossible but think about finishing that relationship. Also if you're thinking about all those things like "real problems” is not because you're overthinking, it's because you're human and you need some good healthy feedback. Intuition is real and if you think something is going wrong probably it's because something is going really wrong.

And don't forget that being in love is nothing but a cocktail of chemicals in your brain. So, probably everything seems impossible without him but the real thing is that everything is possible, with or without him.

PS. I'm trying to recover from my last relationship because it was so hard and I'm getting better just thinking about what I deserve and all the good people and good things I can eventually find in my present or in my future. Prioritize your happiness, not someone else's happiness over yours.
 
A

AngryBird21

Active member
Joined
Jun 8, 2021
Messages
27
Location
India
Hi Angry,

I went through the same situation. You already know the answer but it's not easy to hear even more if it's yourself who is supposed to say that: I don't know you, but you're an amazing human being and you deserve a person who gives you the 200% of their attention. That's it. You're still there because he's not able to move on or he's comfortable in that situation but he is telling you everything: He is not committed to your relationship and he doesn't want anything in the long term.

I had the same relationship. She told me those things too and I thought that she could change her mind one day, but it doesn't work like that. Look, you're a marvelous person and you don't have to be making an extra effort in order to keep him by your side because maybe one day he's going to be in a really bad mood and he's going to kick you off of his life, because he's simply not committed to your relationship.

I know it is not easy to move on especially when you love someone but you have to understand that this relationship is killing you two and is also killing your mental stability. I know it is not easy to believe in what he is saying but he is not lying to you, he is telling you that he's not committed to the relationship, and yea, sometimes he's really sweet or even romantic but I sometimes want to kill my boss then am I a serial killer? It's just a mirage. The real person is telling you the truth. He doesn't want to prioritize the relationship and he doesn't even think about you in the long term. He doesn't love you or he just loves something else more than you: maybe a lifestyle or drugs or something, or maybe he really needs to be alone.

I have a lot of empathy and I can feel what you're going through but you have to stop, sit yourself and think about all the things he is telling you, because that's the only truth and the most difficult part is accepting that he's not going to change at all. People only change when they want, not when we want them to change. So, I know it's almost impossible but think about finishing that relationship. Also if you're thinking about all those things like "real problems” is not because you're overthinking, it's because you're human and you need some good healthy feedback. Intuition is real and if you think something is going wrong probably it's because something is going really wrong.

And don't forget that being in love is nothing but a cocktail of chemicals in your brain. So, probably everything seems impossible without him but the real thing is that everything is possible, with or without him.

PS. I'm trying to recover from my last relationship because it was so hard and I'm getting better just thinking about what I deserve and all the good people and good things I can eventually find in my present or in my future. Prioritize your happiness, not someone else's happiness over yours.
Thank you. This really puts things into perspective. Yeah he keeps telling me the truth and in my mind I keep convincing myself that it can change. That someday he is going to want more from this, but why should I wait around for someone who isn't capable of giving me what I want and deserve right now. I don't know.. maybe somewhere I always feel just someone choosing to be around me is doing me a huge favour because I don't deserve to be liked or loved or wanted. In fact I don't know any other way of feeling about myself.

I need to work on that and I am trying. I hope things work out for you too.

Thanks a lot for this. Means a lot.
 
M

mcsen17

Member
Joined
Jun 7, 2021
Messages
9
Location
Madrid
You're a human being so you deserve being loved and treated right. That's all. It doesn't matter if your current mood is a mess or you’re going through some difficult situations: if someone loves you, they’ll be there for you, helping you and doing almost the impossible to see you smile. That's real love. So I really think that guy is not your person.

Another important thing here is the fact that you don’t love yourself. You cannot love anyone else unless you love yourself. If you don’t love yourself and accept that nobody is perfect then you’re going to keep looking for someone else to get all their energy in order to make you feel good, like: I need someone to tell me how beautiful I’m or how good I’m doing something. Right now you need him. You probably also love him, but you need him, and that’s bullshit because that means you don’t love yourself enough. Just be focused on yourself and listen to him because we cannot lie forever. Talk with him and if he doesn't want to be with you, then just accept it and try to improve yourself. Life is so freaking long, don't you worry about anything. There's a lot of possibilities out there waiting for you.

even so, try having a talk with him. If you both cannot fix it, then think about other options. Nothing is going to change is you don't change anything.
 
A

AngryBird21

Active member
Joined
Jun 8, 2021
Messages
27
Location
India
You're a human being so you deserve being loved and treated right. That's all. It doesn't matter if your current mood is a mess or you’re going through some difficult situations: if someone loves you, they’ll be there for you, helping you and doing almost the impossible to see you smile. That's real love. So I really think that guy is not your person.

Another important thing here is the fact that you don’t love yourself. You cannot love anyone else unless you love yourself. If you don’t love yourself and accept that nobody is perfect then you’re going to keep looking for someone else to get all their energy in order to make you feel good, like: I need someone to tell me how beautiful I’m or how good I’m doing something. Right now you need him. You probably also love him, but you need him, and that’s bullshit because that means you don’t love yourself enough. Just be focused on yourself and listen to him because we cannot lie forever. Talk with him and if he doesn't want to be with you, then just accept it and try to improve yourself. Life is so freaking long, don't you worry about anything. There's a lot of possibilities out there waiting for you.

even so, try having a talk with him. If you both cannot fix it, then think about other options. Nothing is going to change is you don't change anything.
Yes I am trying to create healthy boundaries and be more focused on myself. I should really work on myself if I want to work things out with someone else. It has been difficult.. but I am taking baby steps.

I really appreciate you giving your time and support. Have been desperate for just a little kindness, thank you so much for it. :)
 
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