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Why I Do What I Do…the ongoing issues

R

RobP

Member
Joined
Apr 4, 2019
Messages
16
Location
Canada
Hello Folks
I wanted to move this to a new thread because all though its related and ongoing it seemed to get lost in the previous thread. Hope that is ok. I'll copy and paste the initial reply from last week then add what went down last night.

From last week…

Hello again folks, I just wanted to give you an update. Things were going fairly ok, not great but better I guess. I was filled with an overwhelming desire to keep my family together no matter what I had to endure, for sure that was my own issues with failure.

The past three weeks she however has been really withdrawn and not very talkative. She goes from ok to dark very quickly.

She has been very impatient with my daughter and her feelings or if she is upset. She is just going through the emotions with me, one word answers, no eye contact.

And when I called her out on it she just has nothing to say, extremely short and harsh with her words and the way she moves through the house. Bristles at anything done for her, like saving her leftovers or asking if she wants coffee, little things.

Its been a week of this emotional abuse and of course I question my resolve in staying in this. Then today she send me a text about 'when someone you love has depression' I have no idea how to respond to that?! Any advice out there, of course deeply appreciated.

So after a week of not talking to me this transpired…

She said ‘I have to stop getting mad at her’, she said she can’t control her moods, behaviours or reactions and if she wants to be ‘quiet’ she just has to be ‘quiet’

I said its been 3 weeks! - she said she can’t control that.

I apologized and said it was just frustration on my part, a normal human emotion, frustrated with how she is treating me and everyone else around her.

She said my oldest daughter is showing signs of depression too, when she withdraws to her room. In my mind I’m thinking its because she needs a break from you! But daughter is really busy with University and needs some place quiet to decompress I’m sure, my youngest daughter the same thing.

I find it odd she said this because when she was cheating on me, she mentioned a friend of hers was cheating too, seemingly underscoring that its ‘ok’ others have this problem too, somehow seemed so deflective when she threw that in.

She said I can’t get mad all the time, well when I did it was brief, like when this started, and I told her I’ve only ever been mad at her twice before, except for the massive blow-out of 2017.

I said it felt like she was trying to controlling my emotions, she just looked away. She has a really hard time with people who are mad at her, like a how dare they!

She repeatedly said she can’t control it. I said what about help, this has been going on for 4 years, she said she talks to someone. I said who? She said on the phone at Starbucks, I asked how do you have time for that, she said her manager lets her. She did not say ‘who’ exactly. I find that extremely hard to believe, because prior to this week, she has called me every single break or lunch break. She has never ever mentioned any Starbucks employees getting time in their work day to talk about mental health. She never mentioned any recommendations this phone therapist had for her. I suppose looking at her phone records will tell the truth. I repeated that she needs to see ‘real’ in person help, no real response.

She said I have no clue what its like, I said well I lived with my parents for 25 years! - also I live with you. (Didn’t say that verbally)

She said I just have to let her be quiet and let it pass (which sounds like shut up and take it)

She said I need to do research and google it, its not just sadness, it suicidal thoughts, hearing voices, etc.

She said she is worried ‘we’ won’t make it, that I just don’t understand.

Its frustrating because instead of saying something like ‘hey I’m really sorry i’ve been despondent and quiet, but I’ve been feeling this, this and that and trying to work through it’

She just said instead ‘stop getting mad at me etc.’

It felt like threatening, it felt like you better fall in line or we are done.

It ended with me kind of blown away but I wanted the conversation to end so I asked her was their anything else to discuss and she said no, so that was good for me because I needed to process all this.

Is this a controlling narcissist or not?
 
frisas45

frisas45

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 22, 2019
Messages
188
Location
South Korea
I'm sorry that I sound idiotic, but she is not controlling at all. You need to calm down. Learn how to manage your anger. If they see that you're not angry, they'll understand. And try to understand them. Say things like "I need for you to talk so I can understand you." Try to empathize with them. They'll open up eventually.

It's hard for someone to process emotions when they suffer from an emotional abuse. Like, I'm bipolar. I can't control my anger sometimes. It's devastating.

But if they can't open up, you need to stay away from them. They might be manipulating you.
 
R

RobP

Member
Joined
Apr 4, 2019
Messages
16
Location
Canada
I'm sorry that I sound idiotic, but she is not controlling at all. You need to calm down. Learn how to manage your anger. If they see that you're not angry, they'll understand. And try to understand them. Say things like "I need for you to talk so I can understand you." Try to empathize with them. They'll open up eventually.

It's hard for someone to process emotions when they suffer from an emotional abuse. Like, I'm bipolar. I can't control my anger sometimes. It's devastating.

But if they can't open up, you need to stay away from them. They might be manipulating you.
Thanks for your reply, it is not like that at all. I have been the most supportive I can be for the past four years. Through cheating, lies, emotional abuse and treating our kids like they don't matter, I have done literally everything to make her life as easy and stress free as possible so she stays on an even keel. But she refuse professional help, claims she talks to a therapist on the phone, but no evidence of that.
 
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