why does the feeling of nothing hurt so much?

[anastasia]

do you ever just feel like you want someone to look at you, really look at you and realise that everything is just a mask? that nothing about you is real?

that you just want someone to realise that the answer to "are you ok" is not really "yes" but that you don't want to hurt other people by your answer so you keep it to yourself?

i'm sat at my computer with tears flowing down my cheeks.

and there's no one around to help me. my SO always asks if i'm ok and i can't tell him. i can't tell him how i feel cos it'll hurt him.

cos what do i feel? NOthing. just that. i feel nothing. dead inside. i want to do anything that will make me feel something

running my car in to a wall
cutting my arms to pieces
having sex with someone even though i'm married

and i'm using a good friend because of this. i'm running away to see him to get away from things here but he has no idea why. i dont know how to tell him that me telling him i've been having dreams about him is largely cos i want someone to want me and to find me attractive. he knows i'm married. i can't tell him, he'll think i'm crazy.

why does the feeling of nothing hurt so much?

 

[keepsafe]

I hear what you are saying and I have done exactly the same in the past.
What do you want to happen, are you getting any help?
You sound on self destruct at the moment, can you talk this out with someone - even post here.

 

[anastasia]

i was on medication til around 9 months ago. i was doing ok til a couple of weeks ago. i thought it was burn out at work (happens often in my job) but even a holiday hasn't helped - all 3 days of it and a weekend.

what do i want to happen?

I dont know. i want everything to stop. i want someone to look at me and realise there's something wrong. to actually see through the mask without me telling them. i dont care who it is i just want someone to care.

maybe i want to ruin my relationship? Maybe everyone else was right and i got married too young (at 22 - am 26 this year so 4 years almost).

i'm waiting to see my gp - 15th april. can't get in before that. perhaps i'll have destructed by then anyway

 

[keepsafe]

I Hope that you haven;t destructed before then.
A mask is what a lot of us seem to wear a lot of the time - all of the time.
Its easy for me to say try talking to your partner, but I know its not easy.

Try to write some stuff down, unfortunately people do not notice if there is something wrong if you are always smiling and pretending.

Please get some immediate help if you feel really desperate and think you may be unsafe at the moment.
Have you tried the samaritans - they are good listeners?

Not that I am not listening, but I just meant there isn't always someone around to respond.

I am still here if you wish to talk


I know the feeling of wanting everything to stop. Just because people said you were too young or whatever does not mean they were right.

 

[anastasia]

i emailed them. i can never bring myself to actually call them. i'm better at writing then speaking hence why therapy was always an issue. i managed 3 weeks a few years ago and got sick and never went back (I moved but just couldn't bear it anymore anyway).

i've self harmed since i was 8, badly for a few years at 18 but that's as far as it went. this time it feels different. like i can't control it. i want to hurt myself in a way people won't see. cutting myself is too noticable.

 

[keepsafe]

Please try not to hurt yourself - try some elastic bands on your wrists and flick them or icecubs under your arms - try that.

If you are thinking of hurting yourself by sleeping with someone else, please don;t do that - you will only end up feeling worse.
Heres the samaritans number if you feel like you need to talk to them 08457 909090

Stay safe
KS

Oh good well thats a good thing to do email them - there is always someone there to respond.

 

[anastasia]

i'm feeling a bit more calm now.

distracted for an hour writing a letter and a couple of postcards. now to drag myself out to post them.

i still don't feel great but i've stopped crying. perhaps if i dont talk about it it won't hurt so much.

 

[honeyquince]

Hi there,

I'm with you when you say it's easier to write things down than to say them. Have you thought about keeping a journal here? It's a good way to shout about how you are feeling and gets it out into the open in a very safe way. I find that the more I write about how I'm feeling the easier it gets to talk about it, it really is like I've said it before so less challenging to talk to someone. Please remember that if things get really bad you can just present yourself at your docs and they will help... you DON'T have to wait until the 15th.

Take care, x

 

[saffron]

hi
Ive always felt like that, that people do not know me at all. i also put on this mask and am protected by my own massively thick shell. thing is my mask is so well formed now that it is hard to take off, and when I do i get f*cked over. so you are not alone.
it is interested to hear that you feel that you need distruction to make you feel anything. there must be something more positive to help you feel, laughing at something can make you feel alive more than anything.
having sex with anyone, may make you feel alive for the time it lasts, but not in the long run, but I know what you mean entirely. could you and your hubby not make it a bit more interesting in that area. a bit or role play maybe?
i understand you and wish I could give you better addvice, but i can only offer to listen.
take care
S

 

[anastasia]

the irony of it is that i dont really feel like having sex. in many ways i can't bear to be touched. and yet what i'm craving is sex. does that even make any sense at all?

i'm dragging myself to an aerobics class soon to try and see if it helps. i just, i dont want to. i want to curl up in bed and cry.

no, what i want to do is sit talking to the guy i dream about and to tell him i'm sorry for using him in the way i do. but i can't tell him. the words are there but i cant do it. a moment of clarity and i know what i want is wrong and unfair on everyone

 

[saffron]

hi
its not all about sex though, is it, maybe its the closeness, or the totally giving yourself to someone, maybe where you feel you cannot get it emotionlly or give it, maybe you still need that feeling of being wanted and needed by someone you do not feel obliged to?
you sound like you have a good friend, but you sound confused in your real feelings for him. emotions play a funny part in a life. talking really does help, although spilling out all your problems at once can be very over whelming to someone. your friend obviously makes you feel like you want more attention from him. sex aside, maybe you could let him know your feelings for him, but do not aplolgise , as for what I can see you are not using him, he is your friend and he is there for you. maybe a bit too much, which is confusing you. if that makes sense.
sorry am really crap with relationships and crave emotional attention but also feel I can only get this through, or am only worth being with for sex, but even that is better than no closeness at all.
S

 

[Nutter_09]

Why is it what we want people to notice that something is wrong, without actually having to tell them.
I have this all the time.
I think that you need to see someone - I totally understand about not liking to talk to people, I hate it, but you sound like you need support.
This forum is great but I would really push to see your GP.

When I was feeling totally alone, and my family did not want to admit something was wrong, I put together all my notes, diarys and letters from the specialists. I gave it to them and asked for them to read it all - then I leff for a while. They still dont totally understand, but it helped them to see how I was feeling.

I hope you feel better XxX

 

[jamesdean]

do you ever just feel like you want someone to look at you, really look at you and realise that everything is just a mask? that nothing about you is real?

that you just want someone to realise that the answer to "are you ok" is not really "yes" but that you don't want to hurt other people by your answer so you keep it to yourself?

i'm sat at my computer with tears flowing down my cheeks.

and there's no one around to help me. my SO always asks if i'm ok and i can't tell him. i can't tell him how i feel cos it'll hurt him.

cos what do i feel? NOthing. just that. i feel nothing. dead inside. i want to do anything that will make me feel something

running my car in to a wall
cutting my arms to pieces
having sex with someone even though i'm married

and i'm using a good friend because of this. i'm running away to see him to get away from things here but he has no idea why. i dont know how to tell him that me telling him i've been having dreams about him is largely cos i want someone to want me and to find me attractive. he knows i'm married. i can't tell him, he'll think i'm crazy.

why does the feeling of nothing hurt so much?

Has my mum just said shes known something was wrong this time around for 7/8 weeks, I can tell you whot nothing means, I have felt nothing for this period of time and I do mean nothing I hav been dead inside and I have tried n tried day after day to feel something. But thank fully my heart has opened a little at this moment in time though I'm still thinking of being a little wreckless.
Theres a play on next week in birmingham illustsrating just how you feel called tell me lies.
Take care James

 

[anastasia]

hi
its not all about sex though, is it, maybe its the closeness, or the totally giving yourself to someone, maybe where you feel you cannot get it emotionlly or give it, maybe you still need that feeling of being wanted and needed by someone you do not feel obliged to?
you sound like you have a good friend, but you sound confused in your real feelings for him. emotions play a funny part in a life. talking really does help, although spilling out all your problems at once can be very over whelming to someone. your friend obviously makes you feel like you want more attention from him. sex aside, maybe you could let him know your feelings for him, but do not aplolgise , as for what I can see you are not using him, he is your friend and he is there for you. maybe a bit too much, which is confusing you. if that makes sense.
sorry am really crap with relationships and crave emotional attention but also feel I can only get this through, or am only worth being with for sex, but even that is better than no closeness at all.
S

i've had a crush on him before. when we were studying togther but would never have acted on it. i don't think i have feelings for him now. but then, i dont feel anything at the moment. nothing at all. perhaps it's easier that way.

i feel like i'm manipulating him with my actions yet i can't stop myself when i'm doing it. i'm telling him all the stuff from the dreams cos i want a reaction when i know that i shouldn't be doing.

in the front of my mind now is that my SO's done this to me before so why shouldn't i? if he can throw away our relationship twice and expect me to forgive and forget then why shouldn't i do the same?

Why is it what we want people to notice that something is wrong, without actually having to tell them.
I have this all the time.
I think that you need to see someone - I totally understand about not liking to talk to people, I hate it, but you sound like you need support.
This forum is great but I would really push to see your GP.

When I was feeling totally alone, and my family did not want to admit something was wrong, I put together all my notes, diarys and letters from the specialists. I gave it to them and asked for them to read it all - then I leff for a while. They still dont totally understand, but it helped them to see how I was feeling.

I hope you feel better XxX

It's a complete oxymoron to want people to understand without telling them iknow but surely someone must be able to notice? I'm going to see my GP in 15 days - well the 15th anyway - i can't get in before then. i emailed the samaritans yesterday and just now.

i blog online (www.the-journey-of-anastasia.blogspot.com) and it helps but i worry who might read it.

------

am feeling a lot calmer today. better, not really but calmer at least. i guess that's a start. the same feelings are still there but having gone out to aerobics and then to work this morning i guess i've had the distraction I needed that i didn't have yesterday.

I love my husband. I think I do anyway. We've been together 7 years today - he won't remember and I hate that. even though I reminded him days ago i know he'll forget. perhaps it should be ok as it's not our wedding anniversary but it'd still be nice for him to remember. I can't talk to him about this. He won't understand. I've been through depression before and he was there but he doesn't understand. He thinks I should just be able to work it out and get on with it and it's just not that simple. So why bother talking to him? everything I say ends up in a fight. I tell him that I feel he should help me out more around the house and he yells at me and tells me that he does loads and it's me that does nothing. He tells me he loves me all the time but i just don't believe him anymore.

I've never been any good at talking to people. writing is so much easier. i hate the feeling of being judged when someone's looking at you. I don't want to look stupid or weak.

The other guy is a friend, an old friend from uni. i don't know what i want from him. attention, love. i dont know honestly. my brain is just obsessed wtih him at the moment and I feel awful that i'm basically using him. i know i need to tell him what's going on but i can't. and i don't want to tell my husband about any of this? How do you tell someone you love and that you're maried to that you're not sure how you feel any more and that you don't know whether any of it is going to work? That perhaps you think you got married too young? how do you tell someone that without hurting them and making them hate you? Especially when you already hate yourself?

if he loved me would he have cheated though? even if he says it was just online sex. would he have done it? Should i have forgotten about it as it was years ago. when we first got together and while i was working away for 12 months. should i have forgotten and moved on?

 

[saffron]

HI A
reading from the outside, I think you feel closer to your friend becasue it seems that you can tell him a lot more than you do your hubby. YOu are not using him for anything, even sharing dreams, so dont feel guilty about it, theres no justification in that and you will just shut down. Maybe the core problem is that you are not getting the attention from your hubby, even down to remembering your 7 years of marriage, no wonder you feel closed, you and your hubby are not even sharing or getting exited over the fact you have lasted 7 years. sounds like youi are stuck in a rut and your college friend reminds you of the freedom of singleness and college times.
Like you said its not exactly about sex but you must have urges the same as anyone, yoiur hubby has let you down twice and even though you have forgiven him he has not exactly shown his respect for this, (you are very good to let him off twice I must say) what is he giving you back though?
Is there a break down in comunication with him?
I really hope you can find happiness and get those emotions back.
take care
S