Why does it always happen when I’m upset?

[Itsjustlife]

I am in a relationship with my partner who I love deeply. However, we went through the most horrible time earlier this year due to her mental health and it emotionally and physically destroyed me. I gave everything to it and lost myself in the process. We worked through things and are in a better place, but she expects me to just move on and not bring it up as she ‘was going through a ‘breakdown’. She says things like ‘why did you listen to that person, I wasn’t me, and she was crazy’. But that doesn’t make what she said and did any less hurtful. I myself suffer with depression and find that when we argue, which isn’t often, and is largely to do with me trying to say how I’m feeling and her telling me what I said is insulting to her, that afterwards I feel a wave of ‘not wanting to be here’ thoughts. Why does the suicidal thoughts always come about when I’m upset or when we have fallen out that it triggers me? It makes me feel like I’m not good enough, and I want it to stop, I want life to stop sometimes

 

[Nukelavee]

They come because you are upset.

More specifically, I think it becomes a reflex reaction, something hits that's overwhelming, that we can't see a solution for, and our mood pushes us to an extreme reaction.

It's not that we want to be dead, it's that we want the pain or insecurity to end, and can't see a way past it.

Try writing out how you feel, and why you are feeling this way. come back to it later, and read it, and see if that still describes what is happening, or if maybe you have a fresh insight.

 

[Itsjustlife]

That’s makes complete sense, thank you I needed that

 

[Purpleplum]

Probably because your inner voice starts telling you things like you're not good enough...you're not worthy...you're not loveable...and it snowballs from there. It sounds like you're getting your self worth from what others think. That's always dangerous because we can't control others. Your self worth needs to come from you.