Why does bpd ex keep coming back?

J

Jv15753

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Hello everyone, this is my first post on here. Never thought I’d post about something like this. I don’t usually post on any forum..

So about 2 years ago, I met a girl who I thought was going to be the “one”. The girls that i always saw usually never caught my attention like that. So things started moving REALLY fast with this one.. we started off amazing, 2 months in, it was incredible! Then, it all began.. she would start fighting with me over the smallest things.

When I broke up with her for the first time, I was shocked to see how she reacted, she was like a 6 year old little girl begging for me not to leave. “You can’t leave me, I don’t want you to leave, I’ll kill myself”.

So I stayed, and got sucked in HARD, we went through very intense emotional times together and it brought us very close, keep in mind, this girl has been abused and cheated on so many times, it’s insane. When I came around she was shocked at who I was and how I treated her. I treated her like a queen. Always made her feel wanted and appreciated. Sometimes she’d look at me with a sad face and say “why do you love me? I honestly don’t know”..

So fast forward 7 months being on and off because of her pointless fights about things that weren’t even there in reality (other girls)..
She went on vacation and broke up with me saying “GO DIE I HATE YOU WE WILL NEVER BE TOGETHER AGAIN! YOU GIVE ME ANXIETY”, then had sex with someone there the same week.. 7 months down the drain after 1 week.. When i found out and initiated no contact for several months, saw her with different men outside every month, then to my surprise one night, I get a phone call, and it’s her.. panicking begging me not to hang up, “I miss you so much I’m so sorry for what I did to you, please can I see you”.. there I was.. driving to her 2 hours later.. she began kissing me and hugging me.. we got back together.

So we got back and I began realizing the cycle/pattern.. she would fight with me about girls that weren’t even in my life anymore.. the fights got intense again and she goes “I’m not happy with you, you give me anxiety”.. THATS THE SAME THING SHE SAID TO ME LAST TIME!! Now I see her Around with her first ever boyfriend who she always spoke bad about to me.. he cheated and abused her.. why go back to him.

The last time she came back she also said “no matter who I’m with or who I talk to, Its always different and I hate it, I don’t want to be without you”..

I was so fed up with her dumping me that the last time I went ballistic, I callled her a whore that just wants a quick fix (penis) to her problems. She goes “I can never see you the same after what you just said to me” I told her I didn’t give a shit and that I’m tired of her bs. She said this to me while already talking to her first ever boyfriend.. also.. her friends tell me she always starts crying over me when I’m in no contact with her, she begins to miss me and regretting all our fights..

Why does she keep coming back to me? Do you think she will come back again? The most we ever went was 3 months no contact, right now it’s a month and a half.. did I leave a mark on her psychologically? Any input on my situation would be greatly appreciated!
 
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Deadheading

Deadheading

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From what I've read, it can take years of therapy before a breakthrough is ever reached. This is a hopeless illness.
 
J

Jv15753

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You think she’ll cycle back to contacting me again?
 
Deadheading

Deadheading

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Fear of abandonment is a big symptom with BPD, so it's possible.
 
tiltawhirl

tiltawhirl

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yes, this cycle will continue as long as you let it.
I advise putting it in the rear view mirror and moving on forward.
At least it is a little lesson of cause and effect for her...you treat people badly and they will not play with you anymore altho I am sure she has done this very many times before and won't learn without extensive treatment.
 
C

Candy19

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she will eventually leave you alone if you stop responding and reacting to it all, this cycle will just continue because she knows you'll let it
 
J

Jv15753

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yes, this cycle will continue as long as you let it.
I advise putting it in the rear view mirror and moving on forward.
At least it is a little lesson of cause and effect for her...you treat people badly and they will not play with you anymore altho I am sure she has done this very many times before and won't learn without extensive treatment.
First off all thank you all for taking the time to respond to my post..

Tilta, sex let’s her escape the feeling in her core that she has 24/7, I used that against her to call her a whore, which everyone does. You think she will still call after I did that? You don’t think she put me in the “he’s just like everyone else” category?
 
Drooo

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she will eventually leave you alone if you stop responding and reacting to it all, this cycle will just continue because she knows you'll let it
Indeed.
You have to look at yourself and ask why you are allowing someone to keep coming back who is doing all these things like blowing up over nothing and sleeping with other people. Is it that your self-esteem is a little lower than you maybe thought and you can't resist because of that?

Or...

Is it that she is good in bed and this is what is causing you to cave in? Is it all, or mostly about the sex? There's that saying that the crazy ones make the best lovers, is that it?

If so, then you have to prioritize a life without the 'craziness' over a life without the 'crazy sex', put it behind you and move on, rejecting all future contact.

A little more specifically about BPD: some BPD sufferers present in a clingy/needy way. They often don't know what they want and don't really know who they are and can be emotionally hot-headed. Put those things together (and not all BPD folk are like this remember) and you get a firestorm that consists of a person...

1.) Idealizing - meaning that in their eyes you suddenly become this perfect thing that they can't get enough off. Huge attachment, lust, love etc.

2.) Devaluing - meaning that you then suddenly become this person that annoys the hell out of them and they don't want anything to do with. Which breaks the attachment (at least temporarily) and creates anger, hatred etc.

These two things would work not just for you but for other exes/people too remember, which sounds kind of like what's going on in your situation given that she's also bad-mouthing exes, yet has gone back to them too.

But yes, going back to earlier comments, if you don't want the bad part of this, then you're going to need to cut things off because she will keep coming back and leaving again over and over again by the sounds of things.
 

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