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Why do we hurt the ones we love the most

H

Huntergreen

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Mar 10, 2021
Messages
33
Location
England
So as the tittles says. Why is it?!? I mean yea I can have outbursts at strangers but loved ones get it so much more. I’d never want to hurt somebody close, yet I find myself doing it time and time again.
 
2

2Much2Feel

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Apr 24, 2021
Messages
720
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US
Amen to that. Yes, self sabotage. Plus we feel things really intensely in the moment, often act on it impulsively then feel guilt and shame. It's a cycle. And perhaps we expect more from them, more understanding since they are close to us. But they burn out on us a lot of the time, we feel let down and unheard. It's a hard cycle.
 
HLon99

HLon99

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Apr 15, 2020
Messages
812
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London, UK
Perhaps because you feel too comfortable in the knowledge that the people close to you will put up with a lot more than strangers. But they deserve better. Treat them as you would like to be treated.
 
2

2Much2Feel

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Apr 24, 2021
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Yes, I know that can play into it for me, @HLon99....I know there are times when I overstep my bounds, so to speak, knowing that that one person in my life who will take it the most. I know that. But when emotion mind (yes, the DBT lingo) takes over, it can feel impossible to "just snap out of it" kind of thing, to say "treat him as I would myself" just doesn't do the job. That's where mindfulness comes into play, to help regulate emotions, balance it w the logical mind.

Stating this, I'm only speaking from BPD experience. I don't have the mania, so I can't speak to that, where at times you can be completely outside of reality. I can only imagine how much harder it would be to emotionally regulate in a state of mania, as at least w BPD you are still firmly grounded in reality, there are not hallucinations, etc., at least not for me. It's a process that needs to be worked on (mindfulness), one I am just getting started on again and look forward to being better informed on soon. But it is one proven to work, @Huntergreen, and if you haven't looked into DBT, there are YouTube videos, therapists, books that can help with this very thing. Take us out of that emotion mind where it seems impossible to control the intense emotions.
 
HLon99

HLon99

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Messages
812
Location
London, UK
Yes, I know that can play into it for me, @HLon99....I know there are times when I overstep my bounds, so to speak, knowing that that one person in my life who will take it the most. I know that. But when emotion mind (yes, the DBT lingo) takes over, it can feel impossible to "just snap out of it" kind of thing, to say "treat him as I would myself" just doesn't do the job. That's where mindfulness comes into play, to help regulate emotions, balance it w the logical mind.

Stating this, I'm only speaking from BPD experience. I don't have the mania, so I can't speak to that, where at times you can be completely outside of reality. I can only imagine how much harder it would be to emotionally regulate in a state of mania, as at least w BPD you are still firmly grounded in reality, there are not hallucinations, etc., at least not for me. It's a process that needs to be worked on (mindfulness), one I am just getting started on again and look forward to being better informed on soon. But it is one proven to work, @Huntergreen, and if you haven't looked into DBT, there are YouTube videos, therapists, books that can help with this very thing. Take us out of that emotion mind where it seems impossible to control the intense emotions.
I don't really get hallucinations with mania, but there have been times when I have lost my temper and even raged in a state of mania. I have always regretted it afterwards. With meds its gotten a lot better and I have been almost completely stable since this time last year. Outside of episodes, I'm pretty reasonable, other than certain things that get to me in the course of the normal ups and downs of life.

Of course I realise you can't snap out of it. No one with a mental health problem can. I was just highlighting the fact that familiarity can sometimes breed unintententional negligence in our relationships towards our loved ones, in reference to Huntergreen's question as to why those closest to him seem to bear the brunt of his outbursts more than strangers. This is true for almost everyone, disorder or no disorder. We would do well to remember just how valuable these people are in our lives and that even our closest people can only tolerate so much.

Mindfulness and therapy can be useful tools to help improve our relationships with other people, but for the rest, the onus is on us to make the right decisions. My first psychiatrist taught me something important: regardless of all the psychiatrists, psychologists and doctors that work with you; the most important person who will guide the process of your care and recovery is yourself.
 
2

2Much2Feel

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I don't really get hallucinations with mania, but there have been times when I have lost my temper and even raged in a state of mania. I have always regretted it afterwards. With meds its gotten a lot better and I have been almost completely stable since this time last year. Outside of episodes, I'm pretty reasonable, other than certain things that get to me in the course of the normal ups and downs of life.

Of course I realise you can't snap out of it. No one with a mental health problem can. I was just highlighting the fact that familiarity can sometimes breed unintententional negligence in our relationships towards our loved ones, in reference to Huntergreen's question as to why those closest to him seem to bear the brunt of his outbursts more than strangers. This is true for almost everyone, disorder or no disorder. We would do well to remember just how valuable these people are in our lives and that even our closest people can only tolerate so much.

Mindfulness and therapy can be useful tools to help improve our relationships with other people, but for the rest, the onus is on us to make the right decisions. My first psychiatrist taught me something important: regardless of all the psychiatrists, psychologists and doctors that work with you; the most important person who will guide the process of your care and recovery is yourself.
Too true. You speaketh the truth, as always, @HLon99! It is to the point, always. And it is ultimately on us. I know I've gotta put in the work to learn again how to better deal w my mood swings. But it is v hopeful and uplifting to hear you have been doing so much better over this past year. Meds can be a tricky key to find, and it's awesome you found it!
 
jajingna

jajingna

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Jul 31, 2020
Messages
4,807
Location
Canada
It's a good question. We are easily hurt ourselves by those nearest to us. We carry resentments and grudges. We might cause hurt to protect ourselves. We might not like feeling vulnerable. We say and do things thoughtlessly. We take each other for granted and forget how important the near ones are. We want our space and each has his own comfort zone. We become dull as our habits and our hurts make us insensitive. We lose sight of the need for kindness where it is needed most. We've been hurt before and don't want that again. We can be terribly critical.

It's a complicated thing.
 
2

2Much2Feel

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
720
Location
US
It's a good question. We are easily hurt ourselves by those nearest to us. We carry resentments and grudges. We might cause hurt to protect ourselves. We might not like feeling vulnerable. We say and do things thoughtlessly. We take each other for granted and forget how important the near ones are. We want our space and each has his own comfort zone. We become dull as our habits and our hurts make us insensitive. We lose sight of the need for kindness where it is needed most. We've been hurt before and don't want that again. We can be terribly critical.

It's a complicated thing.
Damn good list of reasons. Agree.
 
H

Huntergreen

Active member
Joined
Mar 10, 2021
Messages
33
Location
England
@HLon99
Yes they may put up with more but in the end they still can’t take it anymore and we know they will eventually leave.

I wish it was as easy as treating them how we would like to be treated. I love these people and would die for them. I never in my wildest dreams want to hurt or be nasty to them yet I find it happening.

I know it is only myself that can change this but even when I feel change the outbursts can still happen.
 
H

Huntergreen

Active member
Joined
Mar 10, 2021
Messages
33
Location
England
Amen to that. Yes, self sabotage. Plus we feel things really intensely in the moment, often act on it impulsively then feel guilt and shame. It's a cycle. And perhaps we expect more from them, more understanding since they are close to us. But they burn out on us a lot of the time, we feel let down and unheard. It's a hard cycle.
The never ending cycle it feels even when I’m feeling “good/better”
 
H

Huntergreen

Active member
Joined
Mar 10, 2021
Messages
33
Location
England
It's a good question. We are easily hurt ourselves by those nearest to us. We carry resentments and grudges. We might cause hurt to protect ourselves. We might not like feeling vulnerable. We say and do things thoughtlessly. We take each other for granted and forget how important the near ones are. We want our space and each has his own comfort zone. We become dull as our habits and our hurts make us insensitive. We lose sight of the need for kindness where it is needed most. We've been hurt before and don't want that again. We can be terribly critical.

It's a complicated thing.
Ok get out of my head please ha
 
H

Huntergreen

Active member
Joined
Mar 10, 2021
Messages
33
Location
England
Yes, I know that can play into it for me, @HLon99....I know there are times when I overstep my bounds, so to speak, knowing that that one person in my life who will take it the most. I know that. But when emotion mind (yes, the DBT lingo) takes over, it can feel impossible to "just snap out of it" kind of thing, to say "treat him as I would myself" just doesn't do the job. That's where mindfulness comes into play, to help regulate emotions, balance it w the logical mind.

Stating this, I'm only speaking from BPD experience. I don't have the mania, so I can't speak to that, where at times you can be completely outside of reality. I can only imagine how much harder it would be to emotionally regulate in a state of mania, as at least w BPD you are still firmly grounded in reality, there are not hallucinations, etc., at least not for me. It's a process that needs to be worked on (mindfulness), one I am just getting started on again and look forward to being better informed on soon. But it is one proven to work, @Huntergreen, and if you haven't looked into DBT, there are YouTube videos, therapists, books that can help with this very thing. Take us out of that emotion mind where it seems impossible to control the intense emotions.
every day is hard work to trying to not give up and just stay at home or even kill myself but Iv lived with it for so long I just sort of crack on with it but it’s the hurts I’m causing others that I wish I could change the most even over me being completely recovered. This is my load to carry and not anybody else’s.

@SeattleBP1
“Take us out of that emotion mind where it seems impossible to control the intense emotions.”

This is all I’m asking for
 
2

2Much2Feel

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
720
Location
US
every day is hard work to trying to not give up and just stay at home or even kill myself but Iv lived with it for so long I just sort of crack on with it but it’s the hurts I’m causing others that I wish I could change the most even over me being completely recovered. This is my load to carry and not anybody else’s.

@SeattleBP1
“Take us out of that emotion mind where it seems impossible to control the intense emotions.”

This is all I’m asking for
OK, are you familiar w the DBT techniques that can help really quickly (some of them, others take a while of practice)? These are for exactly these feelings. YouTube has some great videos on it, I have heard. I'm seeing a DBT therapist this morning (on 3 hours of sleep...), and hope I can freshen up a bit on the techniques, as I've forgotten many after years of denial of my condition. Ones that are quick and I hope I haven' already said this to you, my mind ain't working too well as I haven't been sleeping on top of my already mushy mind. But watching a funny TV show, sounds stupid and like not facing reality but it's a quick distraction that can help really quickly. I've personally gotten addicted to just watching an episode of Schitt's Creek every time I'm crashing (I feel like I owe them more money than my therapist, but it's free...). Deep breathing techniques can help quickly. In intense situations, resetting the brain by dunking your head in ice cold water. These have all been proven to work for these very scenarios. We have it engrained in ourselves to feel such guilt, but again, that is not a useful feeling and only brings you down further, serves no good purpose. We have to force our minds into another state basically.

I know the relief that can come from SH for a short period of time. Guilt and shame are often what drives it. Again, not helpful feelings. I strongly urge you to look at some DBT info whether on YouTube or online or in a book, if you can get a DBT therapist. I'm sorry if I sound like a broken record, but there's a reason it's so popular now, it does work. I have to put in the work to re-learn it, hopefully then can pass on some better advice. Those you love and don't want to hurt don't want you to feel even worse, which is what the guilt and shame do, they don't want that and it doesn't help, only hold you down and drives more self hatred, more SH. Keep talking. I hope someone can get through. You're def in my thoughts.
 
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