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MYTIMEHASCOME

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Joined
Jul 12, 2011
Messages
916
I didn't even know there was a self harming forum so hello.

On new years eve I was sat in a hospital car park (In a dark abandoned corner) don't ask me why a hospital with thoughts / number of implements for of ending my life (which I can't stand) I'm a waste of space and I am disgusted with myself for being as I am (the way I look and the way I behave, think)

I was obssesed with doing it on the 01/01/2015 as it seemed like the ideal number + I'd never have to grow old (result!)

Anyway after considerable messages with a member here, and having a phonecallf from my mum where she told me how much she was looking forward to seing me (love me) etc... I decided not to wreck her christmas even though I was still thinking about it ... and do every day - so I went home and went upstairs to have a bath and I remember thinking I've heard of people who feeling low harming themselves maybe it works... and proceded to get implements to harm myself and since then have done it several times since (although know i've moved to legs so it dosen't show (coz I feel really embarrased after) + people are getting harder to fool (also since I've discovered I can self harm more severely without really feeling pain) it's been more addictive - so can I ask why do we do it? coz I don't feel any less pain with my life when I do it (although I guess I am kind of hoping I do some very severe damage or something by accident)

Also I can't ask for help and would never tell anyone - (other than people on this forum) I feel like it's my issue and I shouldn't worry anyone else with it (I also don't want to be seen as weak / insane).

Also I feel quite guilty about posting this because i'm sure theres people on here with problems X10 worse, I was just interested to know what the compulsion is X

Thanks for your time
 
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Sparklypurplepaws

Sparklypurplepaws

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Hi there mytimehascome,

I'm sorry that you feel so low at the moment, it sounds like your having a rough time of it - hugs
I often ask myself the same question, and when able to think straight I question why I'd do it to myself over and over again. I guess, for me there is a sense of relief all be it for a short time, relief from the thoughts and urges, relief to be free of those thoughts even for a little while has it's benefits for me. I'm not saying it's worth it though, it's not - the scars, the feelings of guilt and being weak, the pain afterwards, the pitying looks from hospital staff.
I think it's also highly addictive - why though I'm not sure
I'm pleased you didn't carry out your plans on New Year's Day x
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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Aug 17, 2012
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13,529
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The West Country
Don't feel guilty for posting.
Even if someone did have things somehow 'worse', it doesn't negate the fact that you're suffering too.

I'm also glad that you didn't do anything to harm yourself on NYE.
Whilst you were helped through the experience, you should ultimately pat yourself on the back because ultimately you were strong enough to resist.

As for self-harming and why.. I suppose it's different for each individual.
For me, it was always a "Fuck off" that I never had the guts to say out loud - it was an anger thing, rather than a sadness or despair.
I also felt that having a practical injury to deal with was somehow easier than dealing with my emotional pain.

I think there are all kinds of scientific theories about it releasing certain chemicals/endorphins that temporarily make you feel better.

Unfortunately there is a huge amount of stigma around self-harm and so I understand why you don't want anybody else knowing.
To be honest, as long as you don't do anything potentially fatal, it's entirely up to you whether or not you tell people what you've been doing.
Though as you say, it's not always easy to hide. :unsure:
I will say be prepared in your mind with what you might say if someone were find out and question you.

Also, it is addictive as you said and it's easy to get in a cycle of doing it, feeling bad for doing need, needing to feel better, doing it again etc.
Just monitor yourself and make sure you take care of any wounds because you don't want to deal with any nasty infections.
 
M

MYTIMEHASCOME

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Jul 12, 2011
Messages
916
Hi there mytimehascome,

I'm sorry that you feel so low at the moment, it sounds like your having a rough time of it - hugs
I often ask myself the same question, and when able to think straight I question why I'd do it to myself over and over again. I guess, for me there is a sense of relief all be it for a short time, relief from the thoughts and urges, relief to be free of those thoughts even for a little while has it's benefits for me. I'm not saying it's worth it though, it's not - the scars, the feelings of guilt and being weak, the pain afterwards, the pitying looks from hospital staff.
I think it's also highly addictive - why though I'm not sure
I'm pleased you didn't carry out your plans on New Year's Day x
Thanks for the answer - I don't know why I do it though :( I also feel weak if I tell anyone........ so nobody knows I feel the way I do........ I'll be forever alone, because they say people with problems need to ask for help to receive it, and I'll never ask from help - I keep feeling like it's only going to end one way for me! (I feel people are trying to keep me alive because it's a 'tradgedy if someone takes their lives fairly young - I don't think 27 is young but everyone else seems to, if I tried to commit suicide at 77 nobody would care!)
 
H

Helena1

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UK
Why wont you ask for help?
I think your going to the hospital car park shows that you really wanted to go inside and get help from them.
 
M

MYTIMEHASCOME

Well-known member
Joined
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Messages
916
Don't feel guilty for posting.
Even if someone did have things somehow 'worse', it doesn't negate the fact that you're suffering too.

I'm also glad that you didn't do anything to harm yourself on NYE.
Whilst you were helped through the experience, you should ultimately pat yourself on the back because ultimately you were strong enough to resist.

As for self-harming and why.. I suppose it's different for each individual.
For me, it was always a "Fuck off" that I never had the guts to say out loud - it was an anger thing, rather than a sadness or despair.
I also felt that having a practical injury to deal with was somehow easier than dealing with my emotional pain.

I think there are all kinds of scientific theories about it releasing certain chemicals/endorphins that temporarily make you feel better.

Unfortunately there is a huge amount of stigma around self-harm and so I understand why you don't want anybody else knowing.
To be honest, as long as you don't do anything potentially fatal, it's entirely up to you whether or not you tell people what you've been doing.
Though as you say, it's not always easy to hide. :unsure:
I will say be prepared in your mind with what you might say if someone were find out and question you.

Also, it is addictive as you said and it's easy to get in a cycle of doing it, feeling bad for doing need, needing to feel better, doing it again etc.
Just monitor yourself and make sure you take care of any wounds because you don't want to deal with any nasty infections.
Hi SS

How you feeling now? Want me to speak to you in rhyme again? or do you surrender!

Also I don't think It was me being strong enough to resist, it was more me not being brave enough because the methods I chose had high risk of going wrong and leaving me a vegetable - If I could get one sure fire way of doing it that dosen't leave a mess - i'd do it - PurpleChaos made me chose a new date......... which at the moment is 03.09.2015 (my birthday) but at the moment I don't think i'll be able to last that long. X
 
M

MYTIMEHASCOME

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 12, 2011
Messages
916
Why wont you ask for help?
I think your going to the hospital car park shows that you really wanted to go inside and get help from them.
Hi Helena,

I was also back on new years day and I went up to a police van with a police woman inside but all I could say was "Hello, Sorry to bother you, Do you know how to get to"

I've tried to ask for help before but I can't, It makes me feel vulnerable and weak and I can't do it, I've learnt to be alone and now I find it near impossible to ask for help. When I was talking to a few people from here on that day people kept saying just ask for help just ask for help but in my mind I was thinking "If you ask for help they'll think your weak or not a man.......and they'll pitty you"

I think of myself as defective, like a broken robot.

I feel as if i'm just existing and doing everything on auto pilot X
 
H

Helena1

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Messages
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UK
I dont think it is weak to ask for help. It is very difficult for lots of people and so means you are strong to force yourself to seek it out. Nor have i ever got any pitty from anyone.
Also if you are gonna be dead soon you may as give it a shot before you kill yourself as you wont be caring what anyone thinks of you when you are 6 feet under and at least you can say you tried.
 
LORD BURT

LORD BURT

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Definitely in the camp of asking for help rather than those who ignore it etc..
 
M

MYTIMEHASCOME

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Messages
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Definitely in the camp of asking for help rather than those who ignore it etc..
I know, it's not that I don't want help I just can't do it - when I try and ask I just freeze and I start panic breathing, and My options are to walk away or if i've started talking to someone make something up as to why I approached that person to put me at ease - and stop the panic breathing! I'm doomed :[ thanks for the advice.
 
M

MYTIMEHASCOME

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Joined
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Messages
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I dont think it is weak to ask for help. It is very difficult for lots of people and so means you are strong to force yourself to seek it out. Nor have i ever got any pitty from anyone.
Also if you are gonna be dead soon you may as give it a shot before you kill yourself as you wont be caring what anyone thinks of you when you are 6 feet under and at least you can say you tried.
That's the irony - I bet people would say "If only we'd have known, if only he'd have said something"

I am faulty.
 
LORD BURT

LORD BURT

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Jul 8, 2013
Messages
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Location
The Prancing Pony
I know, it's not that I don't want help I just can't do it - when I try and ask I just freeze and I start panic breathing, and My options are to walk away or if i've started talking to someone make something up as to why I approached that person to put me at ease - and stop the panic breathing! I'm doomed :[ thanks for the advice.
Don't worry - it can be hard. It took me many years to become completely honest of my thoughts.

And sure, some people don't like it. Its threatening or something. Some people even call it weak.

Well its not. Honesty is the most basic wealth a person has. And the most corrupted.

When you are feeling up to it - seek help and you are as worthy as any other person out there.
 
M

MYTIMEHASCOME

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Joined
Jul 12, 2011
Messages
916
Don't worry - it can be hard. It took me many years to become completely honest of my thoughts.

And sure, some people don't like it. Its threatening or something. Some people even call it weak.

Well its not. Honesty is the most basic wealth a person has. And the most corrupted.

When you are feeling up to it - seek help and you are as worthy as any other person out there.
Thanks but my dads dad killed himself, my brother had a mental breakdown and tried to kill himself, so anything If I ask for help (which I tried once in the past) I was treated like an attention seeker - I honestly couldn't care less for attention - I'm alone in day to day life - nobody knows how I feel so why would I tell people for the sake of attention, it's pretty much resigned me to how it's all going to end - thanks all for your opinons - you can lock this thread now if you want admin x
 
C

cherbear

Guest
Sent you an email hunny . Is it time to use Dr Seuss tactics ?

There is a chap called MYTIMEHASCOME
I met him on this mental health forum .
He called me a pleb ( don't worry was all in good humour )
So I hugged him instead ( there are great emoticons on here ! )
So an unlikely friendship began .
His like my Brothers
But I would not wish it other
So please email me back
So we can have a good chat .
 
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S

selfharmadict

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Jan 6, 2015
Messages
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Location
grimsby
hey well i have been struggling with self harm addictions for about 5 years now and still find it incredibly difficult everyday. i want to just say you are loved and beautiful so don't give up on your dreams because of bad experiences i love you even if you think no one else does. i do it because the physical pain is a lot easier to deal with than the emotional pain because of experiences i have been through. i wish i never started because no matter what anyone says it is an addiction and a very serious matter i am always here :)
 
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