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Why do most people think those with BPD can't love?

S

SicklyBloom

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I keep seeing this question and it honestly really gets on my nerves. I don't see why someone with BPD couldn't be in a healthy relationship or decide to be a parent. I've seen people with other mental disorders go on to live happy lives, so what makes BPD so different and why is it more frowned upon?
 
wraziel

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Because black or white thoughts or something. Emotional dependence is too much high for BPD people I think. Usually BPD people tends to sabotage even healthy relationships . I guess... I was reading that mood swings in bipolar people are more slowly than BPD, I think bipolar/depression/wherever is more "stable" or so.
 
Fairy Lucretia

Fairy Lucretia

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im in a stable relationship ,but my fiancee is very patient with me ,im not sure it would be so stable were i with somebody else
lots of love Lu x
 
N

Nukelavee

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I've only started hearing that one recently.

It's not like people without BPD are spectacular at being in love. If every "normal" person had only a perfect relationship, I might worry about not being able to love people. Normal people cheat, abuse each other, ruin relationships and break hearts, too.

I met a young woman this weekend, who was heartbroken over her Bf's OD death. Also, her son's father. Mind you, last week she was furious with him for knocking up her best friend. And, he had 3 other kids with other women.

And people think BPD folks are out of control.
 
Lone_wanderer

Lone_wanderer

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The relationships I've had with a couple of women with BPD have been some of the most intensely loving I have ever been with, despite her drinking my ex would always go out of the way to make me feel welcome and even drunk she would always go out of her to make some nice food or go to the shop to pick up a takeaway or something if I was feeling low as she knew I don't look after myself well when I'm depressed. If I hadn't wanted to get my boozing under control I would still be with her now, sometimes I think things were a lot simpler when I was a drunk. I still sometimes think about calling her.
 
S

SicklyBloom

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I've only started hearing that one recently.

It's not like people without BPD are spectacular at being in love. If every "normal" person had only a perfect relationship, I might worry about not being able to love people. Normal people cheat, abuse each other, ruin relationships and break hearts, too.

I met a young woman this weekend, who was heartbroken over her Bf's OD death. Also, her son's father. Mind you, last week she was furious with him for knocking up her best friend. And, he had 3 other kids with other women.

And people think BPD folks are out of control.
I don't know, I guess I have hard time relating to it because what I have is more internal and emotionally driven. Usually when I have an episode, I'm endangering myself, not others. I'm hesitant to cause destruction unless I think it's absolutely worth it or necessary. I also hate the impact it has on my body like chronic pain or slurring my words. It's honestly more depressive than impulsive. As far as relationships go, I'm more quick to detach from others than to cling to them. This can be due to jealousy or distrust, it could go either way.
 
B

beautywithin

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I have BPD and Im very much an empath I overly love maybe but im not a dick head (sorry) I have children and we are so close they are my world and I have a partner and ye we have our ups and downs who doesn't and may be my BPD plays a part but majority of the time it doesn't. I find it easy to cut people off not going to lie and maybe its a coping device but you know what it works for me.
 
B

bpd2020

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There are different types of bpd. It seems people just know of one type and think we will all be the same. It is possible for us to love. I know we have a terrible stigma. I would avoid those sites as you know yourself better then strangers do.
 
S

SicklyBloom

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I have BPD and Im very much an empath I overly love maybe but im not a dick head (sorry) I have children and we are so close they are my world and I have a partner and ye we have our ups and downs who doesn't and may be my BPD plays a part but majority of the time it doesn't. I find it easy to cut people off not going to lie and maybe its a coping device but you know what it works for me.
I feel like people with disorders like this tend to lose value when they're open about their problems. Whenever I've been discreet about what I go through, I feel like people instantly lower their expectations with me. As much as people say I shouldn't take a offense to it, I do anyway because they already act as if they can read my mind. I love how nobody has to be perfect for me, but I have to be perfect before I can be close to them. There's a reason for why it's difficult living with it and I'll admit, it's only easy if someone wants to understand.
 
S

SicklyBloom

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There are different types of bpd. It seems people just know of one type and think we will all be the same. It is possible for us to love. I know we have a terrible stigma. I would avoid those sites as you know yourself better then strangers do.
Exactly, it's easy to typecast people. For me, it's more quiet and depressive. There's escapist tendencies and always needing to detach. There are sudden outbursts but they're targeted towards myself, not other people. Having protective and trustworthy people is important to me.
 
W

WhySoSerious

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I think we need to break this down into piece...

Firstly "most" people... I am unsure whether "most" people are even aware of what BPD is and how it impacts other people. There is a vocal minority that post on sites but for my money I'd be surprised if the average person even have a clue that BPD is even a thing. I think we often get caught up in it because we are "in" it.

In terms of why some people have this impression... its a tough one. I suspect that many of those have dated or married a person with BPD and felt a lot of anger directed toward them with that "push-pull" tendency that we can have toward relationships.

There are a few issues that I tend to see BPD individuals have that can come off like they don't "love" others:

1) Trust issues - underlying beliefs that the person will leave, give up on us or do us wrong
2) Push-pull - moving from idolising the person to disliking them immensely, on the opposite end of that it can feel like we don't love people or that love is superficial and conditional
3) Self-directed attention - as painful as it is I have come to realise that I have been very self-focused. Most stuff is about me, not the other person. How I feel. What I do. What MY needs are. This can come off less caring than we intend.

Just some ideas.
 
N

Nukelavee

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I think most people are pretty unaware of BPD, as well. However, people who have gone through bad relationships with somebody that had BPD, are incredibly vocal, and antagonistic. The BPD pages on Reddit are kind of a nightmare.

It's blackly ironic that the very behaviour that prompts some to say we can't love, actually is because of the effects of that intense of an emotion on us. I mean, generally, if I don't feel an intense connection, one so important the thought of losing it totally puts me on tilt, I tend to be pretty calm, and "nice".

Most people don't grasp that, as painful as our behaviour can be to them, often, it's just the outward expression of the pain we feel.

Don't get me started on those who specifically seek out people with BPD, because they enjoy the intense roller coaster ride.

Or, for that matter, the number of normal people who play the same games, and use the same tactics, against other people. Or their own games.

I met a friend of a friend this weekend, under poor circumstances. This woman, btw, is bipolar - but, Thursday, she found out her boyfriend had cheated with her best friend, and knocked her up. she was furious, clearly. Saturday morning, the guy OD'd and died. So - devastated, but her coping tactic was beer and weed and coke - terrible combo for bipolar, imo.

All over a guy who had 5 kids with 5 different women, by 27, and had been known to hit her, as well as cheat.

How is he better to love than somebody with BPD?
 
B

beautywithin

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I feel like people with disorders like this tend to lose value when they're open about their problems. Whenever I've been discreet about what I go through, I feel like people instantly lower their expectations with me. As much as people say I shouldn't take a offense to it, I do anyway because they already act as if they can read my mind. I love how nobody has to be perfect for me, but I have to be perfect before I can be close to them. There's a reason for why it's difficult living with it and I'll admit, it's only easy if someone wants to understand.
I felt every word you said here, especially the no one needs to be perfect for you but you have to be for them. Once some people know about what disorder you have they use it against you I have only ever had the odd few do that and its hurtful make out like your crazy and what you see and feel isn't real when you know damn well it is and I prove im right because I cant settle till I do especially if I know I am right and I have two very close friends I tell my mind to and they will let me know if they feel I may be overthinking it etc. the bad days always come with the good keep going xx
 
D

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My gosh, I cannot express enough how thankful I am to have found this forum.

Shortly after my diagnosis, I was trying to learn more about BPD on Google, and one of the suggested questions was "Can someone with BPD really love?" The "top answer" was "Sadly, no." from a Quora post. I go on to somewhat read, somewhat skim on the Quora website this answer given by a woman who had been burned by her ex husband, so naturally, if this man had BPD and he happened to have been an abuse dick, we all fit such criteria. When I tell you I sobbed on my bedroom floor and *TRIGGER WARNING* had such horrible thoughts about "Maybe it would be kinder if I wasn't on this earth" - not as in I wanted to take my life, but as in maybe I should since, according to that bitter woman, all I could ever do to anyone I ever encountered was harm them... I am so thankful I was able to recognize this ?? invasive suicidal temptation as a LIE, but... the weird thing was... even though I knew it was a lie, I still felt so awful.

I LOVE what has been said here on this thread, about how YOU know yourself better than randos on the Internet, about how ANY SINGLE PERSON, regardless of BPD or non-BPD diagnosis, can be abusive and do horrible shit! People like that Quora woman want to otherize us to make themselves look better or something. It's pathetic. If we're here actively trying to work on our issues and they're there trying to shit on us to make themselves feel better... That says a lot, doesn't it?

Gosh, this community makes me feel so hopeful. It got to the place where I would start trying to convince myself I 'was over' my BPD that way I wouldn't have such invasive terrible thoughts about myself whenever any negative stigma facet of BPD would be brought to my mind, but... acceptance is how you heal and grow. The fact this disorder has such a high remission rate is BEAUTIFUL. There is hope for us. <333
 
M

MYTIMEHASCOME

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I agree with a lot of what’s been said already. It’s not an inability to love its loving too much from my point of view and the impact that has on other people. Like when everything’s going well it’s great but if theirs arguments it’s taking things to heart and becoming destructive especially when we think we’re being left I even do it with family and friends I recently deleted social media and WhatsApp so I could have radio silence they can’t leave me ... I leave them, except they don’t coz friends take quite a lot to shake apparently ... and family

also to the other posted who said they’re an empath - me too! It’s a gift and a curse I can pick up oh everything even when people are annoyed with me (which is a lot) 🤗❤
 
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