Why do I stay with my husband?

voyager

voyager

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I don't know why I stay with him. I suffer with anxiety and depression. It seemed to start just after I met him - work and going out with him seemed too much for me. It's like being married to a robot. I shouldn't really say this because he is still with me and I've had anxiety and depression for a long time.

He, however has never supported me with my emotional feelings etc. In fact he has made it blatantly clear over the years that he doesn't want to know about depression. He even gets very angry with me and sometimes violent. It really is a cruel illness and I have become to despise him, with the way in which he treats me at times.

I know the grass isn't greener on the other side, but I wish I had someone who I felt was like a soul mate. Perhaps these people don't exist. We spend much time in separate rooms and I feel lonely.

I never feel good enough for him and I'm always putting him first, trying to appease him etc.

I don't know whether it's my depression that makes me feel this way, or whether he causes my depression - it's like the chicken and the egg scenario.

I do like to have a laugh and not take life too seriously. I really do hate the fact that I still suffer because of anxiety and depression, I try so hard. As long as I pretend that I feel ok, he is ok with me.

Can anyone relate at all? or just some friendly advice, thank you xx
 
deadchick07

deadchick07

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woh!! He is sometimes violent? Not supportive and gets angry? Sounds to me like a classic abuser and you need to get out of there. This is no relationship. I have been there with men like this, and when I left and decided to live alone, my life turned around. You are not to blame or are responsible for someone elses's feelings, though I bet he has told you so much is your fault.

He has spent years grinding you down, dont let him steal the rest of your life, leave him.
 
blueflames

blueflames

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I believe we have many soul mates. Not in a fairytale way but more in a connection way. Doesn't even have to be romantic thing. I have met lots of soul mates in my life and if there is such a thing as past lives, we probably new each other and I felt like we did straight away=)

If you don't get love and support, this will make the rest worse anyway and so you will feel worse voyager.

Maybe a brake would help? xxx
 
TiredTina

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hi voyager,

I can partly relate to what you are going through. My husband has never been violent but he doesnt understand my illness at all and, if I try to explain, he just says that theres no point because he just doesnt get it. We spend most of our time in separate rooms as well and Ive got used to that but I can accept that its not normal for a marriage. We dont really have a joint social life because he is happy to stay at home all the time although I would like to get out and do more things.

Im sorry youre feeling so bad, wish I could help more but just wanted to let you know that I do understand where youre coming from.

TT xx :hug1:
 
voyager

voyager

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Thank you everyone, you are all lovely people :hug1:

I forgot how nice people are on here.

He is more of a control freak, I would say. He is not a wife batterer as such. I don't feel as though I'm a shrinking violet or anything, but I am becoming to realise that I do perhaps deserve more. I feel as though I have to stay with him for now, for my sons sake. I've been suicidal in the past and my husband certainly didn't help me. I came through it all on my own, with the help of the Sams mainly.

I wouldn't know where to go if I left him and I don't feel strong enough.
 
voyager

voyager

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Love ya Blue Flames, Dead Chick, Little Elm, Perfect Xx

And anyone else who knows me, lol xx
 
G

Grey168

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Hey V. have sent you a pm xxx
Read the link, you can cover your tracks with it and hide the history if you share acomputer ok?

You don't have to go anywhere if you don't want to.. its complicated but it is sortable, it is difficult and you might change your mind a million times. But he isn't going to ever be any different.

Emotional abuse (for that is what it is) is just as debilitating as physical abuse....keep talking to us whenever you want to.. safe hug xxx
 
PerfectSurvivor

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Voyager he sounds part of the problem, and you posted something similar before , I think you then deleted it.
Its not good for you to be in a abusive relationship, not for your health, not for your self esteem, not for your sanity. Maybe he is still with you because no one else will put up with him, I've seen women after they have left abusive relationships and they have flourished. Like a new lease of life.

No one should put up with violence from there partner and living in a cold war will just make you feel ill all the time. Life is too short to put up with someone draining every bit of happiness out of you, I think you should sack him.
 
M

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:hug5:

xxx

(sorry I can't do words right now but wanted you to know I'm here for you)
 
deadchick07

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we have a spare room xx
 
voyager

voyager

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That is so generous of you deadchick, thank you. Wow!
What a lovely lady you are :hug1:
 
TiredTina

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Well you know we're all here for you whenever you need to talk.

TT xx :hug1:
 
deadchick07

deadchick07

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That is so generous of you deadchick, thank you. Wow!
What a lovely lady you are :hug1:
you wouldnt say that if you moved in!!! Seriously though, no you're not ready to move out. It takes planning. It took me 6 months to leave my first partner but did leave spectacularly, I got on a waiting list for housing and when the place came through spent a few weeks sorting it out before waiting for him to go away for the night and emptying the house of nearly everything! This might not be possible for you but it is worth setting up your own secret bank account and start squirriling away money now, keeping your important documents in a special and easy access place and keeping a bag of spare clothes at a friends. It takes guts to do it and he has worn those away over the years, so bear this in mind. It may even be better to get him to move out if possible but you have to change locks etc. You need to talk this over with someone and hear from yourself exactly what he has done to you over the years. Its painful but you need to do this, he is living and killing your life, you do not deserve this at all, and your son deserves a confident and happy mum, and that wont happen if things dont change xx
 
PerfectSurvivor

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That's so kind deadchick and I'm sure its genuine. Why not take up deadchicks offer at least for a couple of days and get out and be yourself. I bet if you do get away it would be a huge relief.
 
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