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Why do I lie about getting better?

P

Palmtree22

New member
Joined
Jan 31, 2019
Messages
1
Location
Uk
I nearly took my life Christmas 2017/2018, so over a year ago now. I sought help and I was very lucky that I had friends and family that rallied around me. I was given medication, therapy and I saw a doctor regularly. I am still seeing a therapist, and we have 2 sessions left as everyone thinks I am better.
But if I’m better, then why do I sit at work thinking about suicide?
It’s not the same as before, like I don’t think I’ll do it. And I managed to convince myself that it isn’t anything to worry about.
I am lying to my therapist. Any test or review my therapist gives me, I can pass. I know what they want me to say, and I say it.
I am lying to my loved ones.
I can’t make them go through this again though. I’m not sure they’d stand beside me anymore anyway.
I just don’t know what to do.
 
M3agank

M3agank

Member
Joined
Jan 31, 2019
Messages
7
Location
United States
Hi there. I know this feeling all too well. I was seeing a therapist in 2012/2013 and felt awesome and in control of my life till I went to college later that year. My anxiety went thru the roof and I couldn’t find the will to get out of bed and go to classes I was paying out of pocket for. Now, six years later, I am sad to admit that I never saw another therapist or anything about it. I let my anxiety cheat me out of a college degree. I’m two classes away from a bachelors in psychology

It’s gotten to the point now that I can barely be left alone without constant crying fits and paranoia of being abandoned. I feel like I failed everyone who wanted to see me graduate and do great things. Maybe I was so scared of not living up to their expectations so I went the complete opposite direction and quit everything. School, my job, left my hometown. I felt like I needed something that I couldn’t get there.

I don’t blame you for be scared. I don’t blame you for being worried about these negative thoughts. Sometimes we do something that works and it just doesn’t anymore at some point. We just have to be able to pick it all up again and find something else that works. Don’t let fear keep you alone in your struggle. If they really love you and want you to get better, they will stay by you. Be honest about your struggles to them. And most importantly, be honest about your struggles to yourself. One of the dangerous things that Individuals like us can do is lie to ourselves. I hope your day is wonderful and you see or hear something that helps you even in the smallest way.
 
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