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Why do I feel emotionally not alive?

T

TyTy9

Well-known member
Joined
May 27, 2012
Messages
57
I dont know why this is so, but I would say 75% percent of the time
nothing goes on in my head. Like inside my head is a ghost town and
you see a big tumble weed moving on the ground. My mind is like
nothing at times. Im wondering is it because of me having
ADHD-Inatentive?

Sometimes I can't feel emotion, or I don't care about something or I
don't know what to say or think and also its always hard to choose and
make decisions. I really dont like feeling this way I want to change
but I cant help my self doubt and low confidence and self esteem.
However the thing that is positive of me is that I dont take it out on
other people.

Like for example if I see a very attractive person esp a guy I would
honestly say that they are very attractive physically or personality
and in the back of my mind Im like I wish I was like that. Im not like
people with low self esteem and would see somebody attractive and
would be negative towards them, I dont find that polite nor fair nor
right because I wouldn't want people to do that to me.

I was having thoughts today on why have I never acted out to do self
harm to actually feel something. Like Ive wonder about cutting, but,
on how would it feel? Would it hurt?
I'm actually scared of blood so I never did it and don't plan on doing
it, but there would be times I had a scissors and rub the sharp part
back and forth gently on my arms.

Im almost 23, do to my religious back ground which prevented me not to
socialize with the kids at school and also having social anxiety, I
never been on a date never been in a relationship never had sex and
never been kissed.

At times I wanted to have a boyfriend and to be in a relationship but
at the same time I dont because of fear of me and my "emotions". For
him I would just be scared if he would break up with me, however with
me I'm nervous somewhat scared of having sex and also Im REALLY scared
if I fall out of love with him and not having any feelings for him on
days. With my emotions im on and off, up and down. However its not
extreme so I know that Im not bipolar, but I am moody though! When it
comes to anger, I get more irritable and annoyed than angry. I'm not
hostile!

With sex I'm nervous about the pain, I'm scared if we would be doing
it and in the middle I would want it to stop, because I would feel
uncomfortable and cant go through with the rest of the sexual
activity, and also self body image issues I've feel like always had
that. (Im gay btw)

I think the only actual "self harm" Ive done was when I would try to
loose weight. I would be on the treadmill and burn all the calories
I've eaten, or if I had a junk food I would go ahead and eat it and
chew it and spit it back out to get the taste and the sensation
however I don't do this really anymore also I had never
regurgitated/barf when doing that.

So yeah besides the social anxiety those are the reasons I think I'm
single! Plus if I can't make good close friends how am I going to meet
a guy. Not to mention I have a hard time expressing myself verbally
and usually forget what I'm going to say or what I'm talking about, so
Im kind of quite for example I don't think I don't want to post
youtube videos again because I forget about some of the details I may
talk about or stumble. I don't stutter, but its like tongue tied thing
and if Im doing that on camera and nobody is there I cant imagine
talking to people I don't know. However I do have a mild communication
disorder which is mixed receptive expressive language disorder.
 
N

Nicola398

Guest
Hello Tyty,
I wonder have you ever seen a doctor and got treatment for your mild communication disorder?
Communication is key when it comes to meeting people and making friends or forging deeper relationships.
I don't think it is unusual at your age to have insecurities or emotional difficulties such as you describe around sex and sexuality. As you are gay have you considered joining any LGBT groups in your area?
You may just make friends initially and join just to be around people like yourself.
I went through similar troubles about not being in touch with my own feelings when I was younger, part of being young I think is to grow a thick skin and not feel things, you need to not be too sensitive to get through as young people can be quite blunt and even cruel so not having feelings helps a lot except it hurts more not to feel something even if it is something hurtful, do you know what I mean?
I think spending time each day sitting quietly and focusing on getting through to whatever emotion is present, tuning in frequently throughout the day may help reignite the emotions side of things for you. What do you think?Certainly do it that way rather than self harming which I am glad you have an aversion to.I am here to listen further if it helps.NicolaX
 
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