- Apr 20, 2021
Hello, I am new to this forum. To be honest I searched for this bc I’ve never had anyone to speak to about my eating disorder that understood what it’s like in depth. I begun my walk with bulimia when I was 15. It’s a long story. But the only way I can describe those years is that it feels sometimes as if it happened to somebody else. I was in denial & looking back a lot of it feels like a fog.. it was something so crucial to my life yet I made myself ignore it until it would break me bc I didn’t feel normal. A lot of you know the drill when it comes to you becoming extremely secretive & doing things that make you feel crazy. Being impulsive. Pushing people away & just not having the best self steam. Two years ago I cried my eyes out bc I had tried to stop & realized I couldn’t. I felt there was no one that could help me & sadly I was the only one that could save me. And so from that day something changed & I pushed myself to eat ! To keep food down. I had gotten so good at getting rid of food that it was a reflex & I could do it at command which makes recovery that much more difficult.. I used To think getting rid of food was the one skill I was given. It made me feel good.. I did all the typical, restrict then plan to overeat which felt like the biggest reward. Coming home with bags of food so I could watch tv at peace, then make myself sick, then eat some more & repeat. I was out of control & I felt like if I kept going I wasn’t going to make it. So I pushed myself ! I ate, I cried so many times bc I had to force myself to keep the food down even tho I could feel it in my throat, I forced myself to eat even tho I was gaining weight at a fast rate from my body trying to heal me, I knew it was all part of the process. My body learning to digest the food again & I’m not gonna lie. It was hard.. there were days I couldn’t even look at myself bc I was so swollen from water retention. But I knew it was worth it. My life was worth trying for. I wanted to feel normal. The whole time I wished I could talk to someone. Like many people I had no health insurance, no support, and really only relied on the internet to help me figure out what I needed. After a year of eating well & mostly healthy without being on an actual diet or restricting I began to revert to my optimal weight. I was walking for my mental health and hiking & ended up naturally losing all the weight I had gained before. It felt like life was all falling into place. But even tho I’d eat healthy without restricting, drank protein, shakes, took my vitamins, did literally everything to be healthy.. I felt the aftermath of my eating disorder catch up to me, I feel like when I was at my worst I barely saw any side effects besides my emotions. But now I was seeing it. My teeth feel weak & they bleed constantly, my bones feel brittle & I have pain in my knees & hips which terrify me, my hair has fallen so much that I barely have any & I just feel like I’m missing something, i don’t understand. I ended up getting checked out by a doctor who ran blood work & said everything was perfect. Yet I feel like that wasn’t correct. The way that I feel isn’t normal, I feel like my malnutrition messed up my bones in a way that I hear them crack often. I’m afraid my knees are the worst & im only 26 years old. I know I need to get checked out again & get a second opinion.. has anyone else delt with brittle bones from bulimia ? Is it reversible..