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Why did I do this ?

M

Miliana

Active member
Joined
Apr 25, 2020
Messages
44
Location
France
Hello, I hope everyone is okay
This pasts days I've been in a very dark place and I sort of got back in the past when everything bad started and I couldn't understand why I did some things..
At 14 my friends forced me in a relationship with a boy, I said no but they kept on insisting. At one point he added me on some media and he talked to me without me knowing who he was. And I started liking him I think, but in the same time being with him and seeing him was making extremely uncomfortable and I couldn't even talk to him with my voice..
One night we were in a call, he was like always the only one talking and I was writing in messages. I don't know why but I went to the kitchen and started self harming.
I felt so empty inside.
I don't understand why did I do this, i never did it before and practically never heard of self harm.
In high school I was no longer with him, this time my friends forced me to break up with him,, they were not talking to me- and I discovered later that I sort of like girls too.

I feel crazy as days go by.
I know that in today's society mental illnesses are more important than before but I still feel like a crazy person and I would never dare to see a psychiatrist.
Since 14 this self harm problem didn't stopped, I know that it's my fault and I don't want to put the blame on that boy because after all I did it :(
Thank you for reading, sorry if there was mistakes..
 
Last edited by a moderator:
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
7,892
Location
Nashua NH
Hi Miliana I’m sorry to hear about your struggles with self harm. I have never self harmed before but I know that others here on the forum have and I’m hoping that someone will be by to help you shortly. xo, j
 
2

2Much2Feel

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
719
Location
US
Mliana, so sorry about how you are feeling. Would you really never see a therapist? Self harm can be a slippery slope, I finally stopped about a year ago, but always afraid it will come back. The scars are horrible, have to wear long sleeves all the time, hate that I did this to myself. Fortunately it is much better understood now, and therapists know how to help you stop. I have a whole DBT binder on the stuff and need to refresh my memory, but when you're feeling impulsive that way, what works for me best and is easiest is distraction, whether that's a funny tv show or uplifting music or doing some easy chores. Something funny to watch can help zap you out of it. It's definitely a specific state of mind, a state of mind that you are capable of getting out of if you have the right tools. Another one is dunking your head in ice water. This is medically proven to "reset" your brain, get you out of that state.

I wish I could offer more advice, different things work for different people. Even venting on here could be helpful. In your life, just try to stay away from people who can trigger this feeling or get down on you for it, maybe you have someone you can call in this emergency situations who can talk you down. Someone supportive, avoid toxic people or people who make you feel more down or like you're "crazy".

Do you know why you had the negative feelings toward him? Like was it just an inner feeling telling you something wasn't right with him or that you didn't like guys in general? Was it the pressure from your peers? My first panic attack was triggered at 14 with a boy, I think related to past abuse, not sure. In any case, you came to the right place, people here understand and have been through it, are supportive and can offer advice for what worked for them. Often you hear to put a rubber band around your wrist and just snap it when you're in that state. That works for some people.

I hope you continue to talk here and get some advice that is helpful, and that you allow yourself to seek out therapy. We all need it at some point, and people who say they don't are often the people who need it most. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Pulling for you. 🌈
 
M

Miliana

Active member
Joined
Apr 25, 2020
Messages
44
Location
France
Mliana, so sorry about how you are feeling. Would you really never see a therapist? Self harm can be a slippery slope, I finally stopped about a year ago, but always afraid it will come back. The scars are horrible, have to wear long sleeves all the time, hate that I did this to myself. Fortunately it is much better understood now, and therapists know how to help you stop. I have a whole DBT binder on the stuff and need to refresh my memory, but when you're feeling impulsive that way, what works for me best and is easiest is distraction, whether that's a funny tv show or uplifting music or doing some easy chores. Something funny to watch can help zap you out of it. It's definitely a specific state of mind, a state of mind that you are capable of getting out of if you have the right tools. Another one is dunking your head in ice water. This is medically proven to "reset" your brain, get you out of that state.

I wish I could offer more advice, different things work for different people. Even venting on here could be helpful. In your life, just try to stay away from people who can trigger this feeling or get down on you for it, maybe you have someone you can call in this emergency situations who can talk you down. Someone supportive, avoid toxic people or people who make you feel more down or like you're "crazy".

Do you know why you had the negative feelings toward him? Like was it just an inner feeling telling you something wasn't right with him or that you didn't like guys in general? Was it the pressure from your peers? My first panic attack was triggered at 14 with a boy, I think related to past abuse, not sure. In any case, you came to the right place, people here understand and have been through it, are supportive and can offer advice for what worked for them. Often you hear to put a rubber band around your wrist and just snap it when you're in that state. That works for some people.

I hope you continue to talk here and get some advice that is helpful, and that you allow yourself to seek out therapy. We all need it at some point, and people who say they don't are often the people who need it most. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Pulling for you. 🌈
Hello and thank you a lot, actually I am trying to get distracted right now by watching a show, so your advices are working ! :)

But I feel sad that my life depends on some characters, some artists, it's hard to fight through this feeling, hope I can get past this.
Take care of yourself and thank you so much! 💐
 
2

2Much2Feel

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 24, 2021
Messages
719
Location
US
Hello and thank you a lot, actually I am trying to get distracted right now by watching a show, so your advices are working ! :)

But I feel sad that my life depends on some characters, some artists, it's hard to fight through this feeling, hope I can get past this.
Take care of yourself and thank you so much! 💐
Keep it up. We all need the distractions at times, it's nothing to feel weak about. It'll hopefully energise you to get out of this funk. Really glad you're feeling better. :)
 
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