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Why can't I just do it?

valleygirl

valleygirl

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Apr 5, 2015
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Valley of dry bones
I am in a never ending cycle in which the depression and despair always return. A few days reprieve is all I get. And yet I cannot bring myself to end it. I know exactly how I could do it, but still I cannot do it, and I am enraged that I can't.
 
H

Helena1

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Oct 11, 2014
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it is very hard to kill yourself i think. the self-preservation instinct is very strong. or else a lot more people would be dead and not many people on this forum!
 
valleygirl

valleygirl

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Valley of dry bones
One day, hopefully sooner than later, I will put an end to it. And I'm not just shitting around when I say that.
 
chazxxx

chazxxx

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Joined
Apr 1, 2015
Messages
744
Because we have to have hope that it won't always be in the future how it has always been in the past. Some people have more good days than bad, and we need to know what that feels like. You deserve to know what that feels like.

Sorry your having such a hard time at the moment. Try to hold on to that little peice of hope.
 
valleygirl

valleygirl

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Joined
Apr 5, 2015
Messages
1,974
Location
Valley of dry bones
I am a huge fuck-up and a waste of space on earth. EVERYONE would be better off without me. I don't even deserve to be happy, but I still want relief from pain.
 
snapshot

snapshot

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Apr 10, 2015
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Georgia, USA
Seeing a psychiatrist/therapist? Are you taking medication? What have you done to try to help yourself?
 
chazxxx

chazxxx

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Joined
Apr 1, 2015
Messages
744
You do deserve to be happy. You do.
My email address was f_ck-up for years. I get the feeling, I really do. And to be honest I'm not sure how to best support you at the moment. Your obviously feeling intense pain at the moment and i know its hard to see anything other than how you feel when things look this bleak. Please just give yourself some time. You do deserve some relief from it, but ending your life isn't the way, you won't feel relief if your not here to experience that emotion. Is there someone you can call or helpline number you can call and talk things through? Hopefully that will give you some relief from the pain.
I care, and from what I've seen on the forum many other members care, and I'm sure you have many other people in your life that care and don't believe they are better off without you.
Please keep hold of some hope!
 
valleygirl

valleygirl

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Joined
Apr 5, 2015
Messages
1,974
Location
Valley of dry bones
Yep, got a psychiatrist, seeing a counsellor, on a shitload of medications. I've been thought a 2 year employment program through a government funded mental health program. I've tried CBT. I've seen a lot of different counsellors over the years. I'm in college trying to get an education so I can get a better paying job. I'm great at school, but I suck at real life. Already have a BA. Never had a decent paying job. No amount of counselling or medication can take away my pain and shame and despair. Nobody at the other end of a crisis line is going to be able to help me. Already self harmed while in contact with a crisis line. I don't really even feel depressed right now, just a cold, calm despair.

Seeing a psychiatrist/therapist? Are you taking medication? What have you done to try to help yourself?
 
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