Why can't anyone stay in my life?

[hersheysgirl]

I just feel as though no one genuinely cares about me like I do them, and I confirm that later by how easy it seems to walk away from me. Im young, 23 years old, and feel as though I can't keep a friendship or a personal relationship for more than long. I guess Im the common denominator, but why? my self esteem is so low from it that it just makes it harder and harder when I want to open up to someone. I also feel that I'm constantly taking things extremely personally when the ill intentions weren't there. All of this triggers my abandonment issues that I have from my mom moving across country when I was a child. I feel as though I cling onto relationships that aren't healthy for the sake of not being alone, because Im not at peace with myself. My mental state constantly depends on whether someone is upset with me or not, and I'm constantly looking for approval. I fail to defend myself for so long that it gets bottled up and when I explode I feel guilty. Someone please help, I feel lost, helpless, and unloved. Ive tried therapy, and talking to people, but later I feel violated for opening up to someone.. And almost angry.

 

[Platon]

Hello hersheysgirl,

I am sorry to hear you are so down at the moment. I, too, seem to feel joy and pain more acutely than those around me. Often it's like there's more bad than good. I've been told that it's not events themselves, but the reactions to them that make matters worse. There is possibly a grain of truth in that. Sometimes it's an idea to engage in an activity like art or crafts where your total focus is required. For the time being this takes attention away from your self and helps to stop thoughts from getting out of hand. (I'm partly doing this myself by writing this post.) Hope your spirits lift soon. Others have been where you are now and have come out the other side wondering how they could ever have been so disheartened.

 

[JeanPierre]

Im not at peace with myself

This is your answer.
Welcome here!

 

[MeAndMyDepression]

You say you've tried therapy. How many sessions, and are you happy with your therapist? If you're not happy with your therapist, then I would find another therapist. You have a lot of issues going, and you need the guidance and support of a capable therapist.

 

[JessisMe]

It sounds like you have a lot if neediness in relationships and might put too much pressure on the other person, too many demands or too much expectation. If that doesn’t sound right you could always contact your former friends and ask them what happened to your friendship. Assuming they give you an honest answer it might be helpful for you to know. xo, j

 

[Intareseid]

You answered your own question, sadly all those issues just probably make you someone difficult to stay close to. And that's extremely common in sufferers of clinical depression and associated illnesses.

The really harsh thing is that it often creates a chicken an egg situation, where you probably need some support system to try and improve but at the same time the illness itself most likely disallows you from getting one. Its often why significant mental illness is so difficult to overcome.

 

[MeAndMyDepression]

You answered your own question, sadly all those issues just probably make you someone difficult to stay close to. And that's extremely common in sufferers of clinical depression and associated illnesses.

The really harsh thing is that it often creates a chicken an egg situation, where you probably need some support system to try and improve but at the same time the illness itself most likely disallows you from getting one. Its often why significant mental illness is so difficult to overcome.

I totally agree with you. That's why my ex-wife of 26 years divorced me.

 

[lifecangetbetter]

I'm in the same boat as you. They can sense that we are lonely and uncomfortable with ourselves so they don't want to be around us until we feel okay with ourselves

 

[Aurelius]

Welcome to the forum hersheysgirl. Sad to hear your feeling so lonely and low.

One of the the most disabling features of a long term condition is how it can take over who we are. It sounds like this is happening in your life. So the person people first meet and relate to called hersheysgirl (who also sometimes has a lot of needinesss) is replaced after awhile by 'a lot of needinesss' (that also sometimes contains a glimpse of the person called hersheysgirl).

Therapy/treatment often focuses on dealing with our conditions and/or symptoms, but far less often on supporting and maintaining healthy development in our personal and social lives. So it is not surprising when our daily functioning suffers.

Looking at what you say, there seems to be two options that stand out if you are looking to change things. You can try to find ways and support to work on your neediness and/or you can try to rediscover hersheysgirl (the person who had needs, rather than the person who is defined by those needs).

Relationships should become easier for others to maintain if hersheysgirl is there to relate to and helping her work through her needs is part of the relationship - rather than being exhausted by working through needs that somehow never lead to meeting with and being with hersheysgirl at a meaningful level.

hersheysgirl from what you have written, you are clearly someone who is a lot more than their needs and past circumstances. You need to believe this about yourself, if you are going to give yourself the chance to find and be the person you really are.....which I guess will be someone pretty wonderful.

 

[Comfort23]

I'm really glad you are here opening up. I, too, struggle with wanting approval and bottling things up. You sound really brave and self-aware and I commend you for your courage. It's totally understandable that you are struggling with feelings of abandonment and recognizing that you may be taking things personally can help with healing core negative beliefs.

I believe you are a loyal, kind person who would be wonderful to have around. Not everyone will always see that. Yes, it's great to work on ourselves and be the most confident version of ourselves that we can be. But, even then, some people just won't click with us or appreciate us. It's something that everyone struggles with. Some friends are only there for a season and a lot of people (even without mental health struggles) find it takes time to find a few true friends. Romantic relationships can also be short term for a lot of people and it can be a challenge to find the right person with character. Maybe it's worthwhile to keep in mind that it's not always about us. Sometimes, it's the relationship or the other person's issues.

I spent several years in a marriage where I tried to twist myself inside out trying to please my ex so he would be faithful. But, he never appreciated me for who I was or loved who I was (only what he wanted to change me into). Over time, I started to see there was nothing I could do. It is common for someone who is that unhealthy to cheat, lie, gaslight, make excuses, emotionally abuse, blameshift and make you feel like you're defective. But, the truth is they have issues and often simply won't appreciate you no matter how many hoops you jump through. People like that need to go because you can do better.

Maybe it would help to visit those who are otherwise forgotten and in need of companionship? Like elderly people in a care home (at least when things get better and they're allowed visitors). There are lots of lonely people out there who would appreciate such kindness and companionship.

I don't know if you have a faith. Sometimes, that helps me.

Have you ever tried Dialectical Behavior Therapy? I'm currently working on both Cognitive Behavior Therapy and Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Dialectical Behavior Therapy, while originally designed for people with borderline personality disorder, can help anyone with overwhelming emotions. I have a DBT self help workbook I'm going through while also in therapy. It has a section on interpersonal effectiveness (social skills and assertiveness training) that may help with relationships. I tend to have a very passive style where I try to people please and then the relationship hurts too much so I either want to blow up or run away.

 

[OCDguy]

I just feel as though no one genuinely cares about me like I do them, and I confirm that later by how easy it seems to walk away from me. Im young, 23 years old, and feel as though I can't keep a friendship or a personal relationship for more than long. I guess Im the common denominator, but why? my self esteem is so low from it that it just makes it harder and harder when I want to open up to someone. I also feel that I'm constantly taking things extremely personally when the ill intentions weren't there. All of this triggers my abandonment issues that I have from my mom moving across country when I was a child. I feel as though I cling onto relationships that aren't healthy for the sake of not being alone, because Im not at peace with myself. My mental state constantly depends on whether someone is upset with me or not, and I'm constantly looking for approval. I fail to defend myself for so long that it gets bottled up and when I explode I feel guilty. Someone please help, I feel lost, helpless, and unloved. Ive tried therapy, and talking to people, but later I feel violated for opening up to someone.. And almost angry.

Hi there, welcome to the Forum I'm sorry to hear of everything you have been through and still going through. Seems to me you are personally hurt as friendships come and go. What might help is discovering what your needs are from your friendships. Once you know what they are, perhaps focussing more on the type of people you connect with and their interests might help (I get the impression you don't struggle forming friendships)? Also lowering your expectations while working on your neediness might ease some of the pain if things don't quite go to plan etc. Genuinely caring about others is a great attribute, and something you should be proud of. Hope this helps

 

[hersheysgirl]

Hi there, welcome to the Forum I'm sorry to hear of everything you have been through and still going through. Seems to me you are personally hurt as friendships come and go. What might help is discovering what your needs are from your friendships. Once you know what they are, perhaps focussing more on the type of people you connect with and their interests might help (I get the impression you don't struggle forming friendships)? Also lowering your expectations while working on your neediness might ease some of the pain if things don't quite go to plan etc. Genuinely caring about others is a great attribute, and something you should be proud of. Hope this helps

Thank you so much, what a kind response. I am doing much better, trying to stay afloat! Hope you're doing well.

 

[hersheysgirl]

Hello hersheysgirl,

I am sorry to hear you are so down at the moment. I, too, seem to feel joy and pain more acutely than those around me. Often it's like there's more bad than good. I've been told that it's not events themselves, but the reactions to them that make matters worse. There is possibly a grain of truth in that. Sometimes it's an idea to engage in an activity like art or crafts where your total focus is required. For the time being this takes attention away from your self and helps to stop thoughts from getting out of hand. (I'm partly doing this myself by writing this post.) Hope your spirits lift soon. Others have been where you are now and have come out the other side wondering how they could ever have been so disheartened.

I am so glad Im not alone on this, you're a kind heart. Thank you so much <3

 

[hersheysgirl]

This is your answer.
Welcome here!

How do I change this?

 

[hersheysgirl]

I'm really glad you are here opening up. I, too, struggle with wanting approval and bottling things up. You sound really brave and self-aware and I commend you for your courage. It's totally understandable that you are struggling with feelings of abandonment and recognizing that you may be taking things personally can help with healing core negative beliefs.

I believe you are a loyal, kind person who would be wonderful to have around. Not everyone will always see that. Yes, it's great to work on ourselves and be the most confident version of ourselves that we can be. But, even then, some people just won't click with us or appreciate us. It's something that everyone struggles with. Some friends are only there for a season and a lot of people (even without mental health struggles) find it takes time to find a few true friends. Romantic relationships can also be short term for a lot of people and it can be a challenge to find the right person with character. Maybe it's worthwhile to keep in mind that it's not always about us. Sometimes, it's the relationship or the other person's issues.

I spent several years in a marriage where I tried to twist myself inside out trying to please my ex so he would be faithful. But, he never appreciated me for who I was or loved who I was (only what he wanted to change me into). Over time, I started to see there was nothing I could do. It is common for someone who is that unhealthy to cheat, lie, gaslight, make excuses, emotionally abuse, blameshift and make you feel like you're defective. But, the truth is they have issues and often simply won't appreciate you no matter how many hoops you jump through. People like that need to go because you can do better.

Maybe it would help to visit those who are otherwise forgotten and in need of companionship? Like elderly people in a care home (at least when things get better and they're allowed visitors). There are lots of lonely people out there who would appreciate such kindness and companionship.

I don't know if you have a faith. Sometimes, that helps me.

Have you ever tried Dialectical Behavior Therapy? I'm currently working on both Cognitive Behavior Therapy and Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Dialectical Behavior Therapy, while originally designed for people with borderline personality disorder, can help anyone with overwhelming emotions. I have a DBT self help workbook I'm going through while also in therapy. It has a section on interpersonal effectiveness (social skills and assertiveness training) that may help with relationships. I tend to have a very passive style where I try to people please and then the relationship hurts too much so I either want to blow up or run away.

I love what you said, you're so kind and intuitive to pick up on things from that short paragraph! I definitely think we relate in a lot of ways. I would love to learn more about the dialectal behavior therapy.. feel free to message me. Thank you so much for caring