• Share. Be Supported. Recover.

    We are a friendly, safe community supporting each other's mental health. We are open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.

Why can't anyone stay in my life?

H

hersheysgirl

Member
Joined
Feb 20, 2021
Messages
11
Location
California
I just feel as though no one genuinely cares about me like I do them, and I confirm that later by how easy it seems to walk away from me. Im young, 23 years old, and feel as though I can't keep a friendship or a personal relationship for more than long. I guess Im the common denominator, but why? my self esteem is so low from it that it just makes it harder and harder when I want to open up to someone. I also feel that I'm constantly taking things extremely personally when the ill intentions weren't there. All of this triggers my abandonment issues that I have from my mom moving across country when I was a child. I feel as though I cling onto relationships that aren't healthy for the sake of not being alone, because Im not at peace with myself. My mental state constantly depends on whether someone is upset with me or not, and I'm constantly looking for approval. I fail to defend myself for so long that it gets bottled up and when I explode I feel guilty. Someone please help, I feel lost, helpless, and unloved. Ive tried therapy, and talking to people, but later I feel violated for opening up to someone.. And almost angry.
 
P

Platon

Member
Joined
Nov 15, 2020
Messages
14
Location
United Kingdom
Hello hersheysgirl,

I am sorry to hear you are so down at the moment. I, too, seem to feel joy and pain more acutely than those around me. Often it's like there's more bad than good. I've been told that it's not events themselves, but the reactions to them that make matters worse. There is possibly a grain of truth in that. Sometimes it's an idea to engage in an activity like art or crafts where your total focus is required. For the time being this takes attention away from your self and helps to stop thoughts from getting out of hand. (I'm partly doing this myself by writing this post.) Hope your spirits lift soon. Others have been where you are now and have come out the other side wondering how they could ever have been so disheartened.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
MeAndMyDepression

MeAndMyDepression

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 6, 2021
Messages
1,462
Location
Punta Gorda, Florida, USA
You say you've tried therapy. How many sessions, and are you happy with your therapist? If you're not happy with your therapist, then I would find another therapist. You have a lot of issues going, and you need the guidance and support of a capable therapist.
 
JessisMe

JessisMe

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 27, 2020
Messages
8,850
Location
Nashua NH
It sounds like you have a lot if neediness in relationships and might put too much pressure on the other person, too many demands or too much expectation. If that doesn’t sound right you could always contact your former friends and ask them what happened to your friendship. Assuming they give you an honest answer it might be helpful for you to know. xo, j
 
I

Intareseid

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 7, 2020
Messages
187
Location
.
You answered your own question, sadly all those issues just probably make you someone difficult to stay close to. And that's extremely common in sufferers of clinical depression and associated illnesses.

The really harsh thing is that it often creates a chicken an egg situation, where you probably need some support system to try and improve but at the same time the illness itself most likely disallows you from getting one. Its often why significant mental illness is so difficult to overcome.
 
MeAndMyDepression

MeAndMyDepression

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 6, 2021
Messages
1,462
Location
Punta Gorda, Florida, USA
You answered your own question, sadly all those issues just probably make you someone difficult to stay close to. And that's extremely common in sufferers of clinical depression and associated illnesses.

The really harsh thing is that it often creates a chicken an egg situation, where you probably need some support system to try and improve but at the same time the illness itself most likely disallows you from getting one. Its often why significant mental illness is so difficult to overcome.
I totally agree with you. That's why my ex-wife of 26 years divorced me.
 
lifecangetbetter

lifecangetbetter

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jan 26, 2021
Messages
1,640
Location
miserable
I'm in the same boat as you. They can sense that we are lonely and uncomfortable with ourselves so they don't want to be around us until we feel okay with ourselves
 
A

Aurelius

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 14, 2018
Messages
694
Welcome to the forum hersheysgirl. Sad to hear your feeling so lonely and low.

One of the the most disabling features of a long term condition is how it can take over who we are. It sounds like this is happening in your life. So the person people first meet and relate to called hersheysgirl (who also sometimes has a lot of needinesss) is replaced after awhile by 'a lot of needinesss' (that also sometimes contains a glimpse of the person called hersheysgirl).

Therapy/treatment often focuses on dealing with our conditions and/or symptoms, but far less often on supporting and maintaining healthy development in our personal and social lives. So it is not surprising when our daily functioning suffers.

Looking at what you say, there seems to be two options that stand out if you are looking to change things. You can try to find ways and support to work on your neediness and/or you can try to rediscover hersheysgirl (the person who had needs, rather than the person who is defined by those needs).

Relationships should become easier for others to maintain if hersheysgirl is there to relate to and helping her work through her needs is part of the relationship - rather than being exhausted by working through needs that somehow never lead to meeting with and being with hersheysgirl at a meaningful level.

hersheysgirl from what you have written, you are clearly someone who is a lot more than their needs and past circumstances. You need to believe this about yourself, if you are going to give yourself the chance to find and be the person you really are.....which I guess will be someone pretty wonderful.
 
C

Comfort23

Active member
Joined
Jan 2, 2021
Messages
27
Location
Miami, Florida USA
I'm really glad you are here opening up. I, too, struggle with wanting approval and bottling things up. You sound really brave and self-aware and I commend you for your courage. It's totally understandable that you are struggling with feelings of abandonment and recognizing that you may be taking things personally can help with healing core negative beliefs.

I believe you are a loyal, kind person who would be wonderful to have around. Not everyone will always see that. Yes, it's great to work on ourselves and be the most confident version of ourselves that we can be. But, even then, some people just won't click with us or appreciate us. It's something that everyone struggles with. Some friends are only there for a season and a lot of people (even without mental health struggles) find it takes time to find a few true friends. Romantic relationships can also be short term for a lot of people and it can be a challenge to find the right person with character. Maybe it's worthwhile to keep in mind that it's not always about us. Sometimes, it's the relationship or the other person's issues.

I spent several years in a marriage where I tried to twist myself inside out trying to please my ex so he would be faithful. But, he never appreciated me for who I was or loved who I was (only what he wanted to change me into). Over time, I started to see there was nothing I could do. It is common for someone who is that unhealthy to cheat, lie, gaslight, make excuses, emotionally abuse, blameshift and make you feel like you're defective. But, the truth is they have issues and often simply won't appreciate you no matter how many hoops you jump through. People like that need to go because you can do better.

Maybe it would help to visit those who are otherwise forgotten and in need of companionship? Like elderly people in a care home (at least when things get better and they're allowed visitors). There are lots of lonely people out there who would appreciate such kindness and companionship.

I don't know if you have a faith. Sometimes, that helps me.

Have you ever tried Dialectical Behavior Therapy? I'm currently working on both Cognitive Behavior Therapy and Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Dialectical Behavior Therapy, while originally designed for people with borderline personality disorder, can help anyone with overwhelming emotions. I have a DBT self help workbook I'm going through while also in therapy. It has a section on interpersonal effectiveness (social skills and assertiveness training) that may help with relationships. I tend to have a very passive style where I try to people please and then the relationship hurts too much so I either want to blow up or run away.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

Well-known member
Joined
Jun 13, 2016
Messages
2,422
I just feel as though no one genuinely cares about me like I do them, and I confirm that later by how easy it seems to walk away from me. Im young, 23 years old, and feel as though I can't keep a friendship or a personal relationship for more than long. I guess Im the common denominator, but why? my self esteem is so low from it that it just makes it harder and harder when I want to open up to someone. I also feel that I'm constantly taking things extremely personally when the ill intentions weren't there. All of this triggers my abandonment issues that I have from my mom moving across country when I was a child. I feel as though I cling onto relationships that aren't healthy for the sake of not being alone, because Im not at peace with myself. My mental state constantly depends on whether someone is upset with me or not, and I'm constantly looking for approval. I fail to defend myself for so long that it gets bottled up and when I explode I feel guilty. Someone please help, I feel lost, helpless, and unloved. Ive tried therapy, and talking to people, but later I feel violated for opening up to someone.. And almost angry.
Hi there, welcome to the Forum :) I'm sorry to hear of everything you have been through and still going through. Seems to me you are personally hurt as friendships come and go. What might help is discovering what your needs are from your friendships. Once you know what they are, perhaps focussing more on the type of people you connect with and their interests might help (I get the impression you don't struggle forming friendships)? Also lowering your expectations while working on your neediness might ease some of the pain if things don't quite go to plan etc. Genuinely caring about others is a great attribute, and something you should be proud of. Hope this helps :)
 
H

hersheysgirl

Member
Joined
Feb 20, 2021
Messages
11
Location
California
Hi there, welcome to the Forum :) I'm sorry to hear of everything you have been through and still going through. Seems to me you are personally hurt as friendships come and go. What might help is discovering what your needs are from your friendships. Once you know what they are, perhaps focussing more on the type of people you connect with and their interests might help (I get the impression you don't struggle forming friendships)? Also lowering your expectations while working on your neediness might ease some of the pain if things don't quite go to plan etc. Genuinely caring about others is a great attribute, and something you should be proud of. Hope this helps :)
Thank you so much, what a kind response. I am doing much better, trying to stay afloat! Hope you're doing well.
 
H

hersheysgirl

Member
Joined
Feb 20, 2021
Messages
11
Location
California
Hello hersheysgirl,

I am sorry to hear you are so down at the moment. I, too, seem to feel joy and pain more acutely than those around me. Often it's like there's more bad than good. I've been told that it's not events themselves, but the reactions to them that make matters worse. There is possibly a grain of truth in that. Sometimes it's an idea to engage in an activity like art or crafts where your total focus is required. For the time being this takes attention away from your self and helps to stop thoughts from getting out of hand. (I'm partly doing this myself by writing this post.) Hope your spirits lift soon. Others have been where you are now and have come out the other side wondering how they could ever have been so disheartened.
I am so glad Im not alone on this, you're a kind heart. Thank you so much <3
 
H

hersheysgirl

Member
Joined
Feb 20, 2021
Messages
11
Location
California
I'm really glad you are here opening up. I, too, struggle with wanting approval and bottling things up. You sound really brave and self-aware and I commend you for your courage. It's totally understandable that you are struggling with feelings of abandonment and recognizing that you may be taking things personally can help with healing core negative beliefs.

I believe you are a loyal, kind person who would be wonderful to have around. Not everyone will always see that. Yes, it's great to work on ourselves and be the most confident version of ourselves that we can be. But, even then, some people just won't click with us or appreciate us. It's something that everyone struggles with. Some friends are only there for a season and a lot of people (even without mental health struggles) find it takes time to find a few true friends. Romantic relationships can also be short term for a lot of people and it can be a challenge to find the right person with character. Maybe it's worthwhile to keep in mind that it's not always about us. Sometimes, it's the relationship or the other person's issues.

I spent several years in a marriage where I tried to twist myself inside out trying to please my ex so he would be faithful. But, he never appreciated me for who I was or loved who I was (only what he wanted to change me into). Over time, I started to see there was nothing I could do. It is common for someone who is that unhealthy to cheat, lie, gaslight, make excuses, emotionally abuse, blameshift and make you feel like you're defective. But, the truth is they have issues and often simply won't appreciate you no matter how many hoops you jump through. People like that need to go because you can do better.

Maybe it would help to visit those who are otherwise forgotten and in need of companionship? Like elderly people in a care home (at least when things get better and they're allowed visitors). There are lots of lonely people out there who would appreciate such kindness and companionship.

I don't know if you have a faith. Sometimes, that helps me.

Have you ever tried Dialectical Behavior Therapy? I'm currently working on both Cognitive Behavior Therapy and Dialectical Behavior Therapy. Dialectical Behavior Therapy, while originally designed for people with borderline personality disorder, can help anyone with overwhelming emotions. I have a DBT self help workbook I'm going through while also in therapy. It has a section on interpersonal effectiveness (social skills and assertiveness training) that may help with relationships. I tend to have a very passive style where I try to people please and then the relationship hurts too much so I either want to blow up or run away.
I love what you said, you're so kind and intuitive to pick up on things from that short paragraph! I definitely think we relate in a lot of ways. I would love to learn more about the dialectal behavior therapy.. feel free to message me. Thank you so much for caring
 
Similar threads
Thread starter Title Forum Replies Date
M Does anyone feel like me? Depression Forum 11
MeAndMyDepression Anyone experience SEVERE withdrawal symptoms from running out of their psych medicine? Depression Forum 4
L Anyone else ever think about this? Depression Forum 4
L anyone relate? Depression Forum 5
C Parental love and depression: has anyone else suffered from too much love? Depression Forum 6
Racer anyone here to talk? Depression Forum 8
S Does anyone else keep trying to think their way out of depression? Depression Forum 16
stevie_sloth Anyone taken the Beck Depression or Anxiety Inventories? Depression Forum 4
M Does anyone wants to chat in private message ? Depression Forum 2
M Social issues. Anyone else ? Depression Forum 17
T Hi Anyone up for a chat? Depression Forum 1
O anyone heard of psycotic depression Depression Forum 3
N I don't have anyone. I hate being alive i truly hate it Depression Forum 30
Capt Hooke Anyone in the UK treated with Ritalin (methylphenidate) for Depression? Depression Forum 4
MeAndMyDepression Has anyone ever worn the "Life is Good" brand of clothing? Depression Forum 4
T Permanently depressed just struggle o function. Anyone elseor is it just me? Depression Forum 5
X Has anyone actually recovered from the emotional numbness part of depression Depression Forum 12
S Can anyone keep me company for a while? Depression Forum 98
Topcat Anyone else find first thing in the morning hard? Depression Forum 20
M Forum-has anyone else been let down by mental health services Depression Forum 21
MeAndMyDepression Has anyone tried Ritalin for depression? Depression Forum 14
H Anyone around? Depression Forum 11002
S Anyone else feel like they are on the outside, looking in? Depression Forum 12
H New here, feeling down, lonely, anyone around? Depression Forum 135
S Anyone spent time in a private mental health facility in the UK? Depression Forum 14
O anyone experience short periods of intense depression? Depression Forum 4
lifecangetbetter i don't like anyone Depression Forum 9
J Has anyone else experienced this?? (Depression zaps) Depression Forum 4
NoNameRequired Anyone else feels wrong when feeling good? Depression Forum 9
A Fancy Carp Depressed, lonely, awkward. Anyone want to just shoot the breeze? Depression Forum 71
A Struggling lately, anyone else? Depression Forum 43
KittyCat92 Anyone relate? *Trigger Warning* Depression Forum 7
C Does anyone else just want to sleep and not wake up? Depression Forum 26
G Anyone experience this?? Depression Forum 5
lifecangetbetter has anyone noticed smart people are angry Depression Forum 8
S Does anyone have issues sleeping etc when severely depressed? Depression Forum 3
M Even go to the bathroom tires me, anyone else ? Depression Forum 1
G Does Anyone Else Feel Like This.. Depression Forum 9
L If anyone could read this or give any kind of advice I could really use it! Depression Forum 5
L I feel like wanting anyone to love me would be such a burden to them Depression Forum 5
TooMuchPain Does anyone actually beat depression? Depression Forum 19
J Does anyone find it hard to express their feelings. Depression Forum 12
lifecangetbetter does anyone feel they are going through the day like floating soul? Depression Forum 35
migraine Anyone dealt with repressed memories? Depression Forum 5
O I cant feel anything and i cant tell anyone. Depression Forum 47
L Not Needing Anyone Depression Forum 7
B Anyone who experienced hospitalizations as a teenager willing to tak to a worried mom? Depression Forum 7
B Anyone wanna message me? Depression Forum 24
A_Wilted_Daisy Does anyone else just randomly cry off and on? Depression Forum 12
M Depression due loneliness, anyone else ? Depression Forum 25

Similar threads

Top