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Why am I the ugliest thing in the entire world?

A

aav72

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Joined
Oct 29, 2020
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3
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California
Why am I the ugliest thing in the entire world? And why do people hate me so much for my looks or my appearance?

This is something i've been wondering about all of my life. It consumes me. It is also emotionally draining. I don't know why I am hated so much by many and why people love to use me as a scapegoat, use me as a thing only to be used, and why so many put me down for my appearance that they find so utterly appalling and denigrating.

Like for instance, just earlier this week, when i was coming into work at our front entrance. This young lady was there, she looked at me directly in the eye and i could sense she was doing so because for that split second i looked at her, and i caught her looking directly at me. She never said "hello" nor "hi". It just irritated me so much. Then i saw her again as i came back to our office on my lunch break, again she was there. But instead i could hear her giggle, just barely, but she giggled at me. I know she did not mean this as a friendly manner, but it meant to be insulting. And again, she never said "hello" nor "hi".

This is just the tip of the iceberg. At one of my former jobs, I was treated almost everyday to a barrage of negative reactions and degrating insults. There was one time i had to lunch and i had to exit out our main door. This lady had to come inside first, so being the kind gentleman that i am, I used my pass key to let her inside. She was not pleased by what she saw, and she gave me a look of disgust, as if she said "ewww" at me. She didn't giggle like a five-year old child like that other young lady I saw earlier this week, but this other lady was surely disgusted. I let it go since i was in a rush to get to lunch at the time, but i couldn't stop thinking about it, to this day what she did is still on my mind, just as much as that young lady and her odd reactions earlier this past week. Every morning when I would come into work at that particular job, often there would be laughs from people, pointing me out, "oh there he is again," and yet I don't know why they are singling me out? I know they hate me based on my looks and appearance, what they find to be "abnormal" or "not quite right."
The other day, this guy who was a supervisor at another department
blatantly and out of the blue looked at me oddly (as usual) and asked me almost in a defensive manner, "do you work here?" So I showed him my badge, and I just looked and walked away. No apology, no ok, just left. So naturally when I saw him again, he was laughing at me, just like what they all do to me there. Lastly, before I left that company, I did try and ask their Human Resources department for help on my grievances. I did manage to have a brief discussion with their manager, but that seemed pretty much it, a discussion. I can't tell if anything had been done, if any action was ever taken, since I never really heard from them again. I tried to tell them that I was being harrassed quite often by other employees, mainly due to my appearance, but they only took my words on the phone, nothing else.

Usually, I'm quite nervous and anxious when it comes to interviews. But at times, I feel somewhat comforted when the people to whom I'm speaking are good natured and sincere. At least that's what I thought was the case when I interviewed for this office job for a consulting firm. The interview went fine, but when we said our goodbyes, I could've sworn I heard a strange giggle from one of the two ladies (probably in their 50's in terms of age). I almost wanted to stop, go back and ask why they did that, but it was too late; another bunch of people had the nerve to insult me once again. I just knew it had to be that, because I felt something was wrong, and I know it was me (as always).

I had to do jury duty some years ago. I got chosen as one of those who were to be picked on a jury panel and had to go into an assigned courtroom. Honestly, I will never forget what happened next, because as I was called by the judge and I was about to be questioned (if I was a candidate to be on the panel), as I was walking up to my seat in the "jury box" as they call it, I heard a lot of whispering in the form of other people muttering, in a rather negative tone. I could just feel and hear them whispering to each other in that room, and it was just eerie, odd and disturbing almost. I really, really felt nervous and anxious, thinking "why would they talk about me in that way?" or "why do they have to do it to me and not to others?" In a way it was hurtful, irritating, I almost wanted to run out of the courtroom from embarrassment, but thankfully I kept my composure; otherwise I would've been arrested or something.

Again, all these incidences are just several of the millions upon millions of other incidences that I've witnessed and encountered, the many disturbing, hateful, very negative reactions, feedback and responses that I have received from many, many people. Even more odd and strange is that it is mainly coming from adults, hardly ever from children. I would perhaps call this a slight, less profound form of bullying, more of being harrassed by many people, highly scrutinized, ridiculed, teased and mocked, always laughed at often. And most importantly, I almost always get these unusual stares and looks from many people over my appearance, like the "what planet do you come from?" look, or the "what on earth is that?" kind of a stare. Therefore, what it boils down to is that I feel very depressed, miserable, fatigued, disillusioned, guilty, ashamed and embarrassed. Whenever I am out in public, I almost always want to hide out somewhere, someplace where I won't be seen by anyone, because I feel vulnerable to so many people who I feel are judging me so very harshly over my appearance. I feel (and actually do think) that I'm very ugly, and I know (for a fact) that this is what people are thinking and perceiving of me.
 
Hello513

Hello513

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 24, 2018
Messages
2,290
Location
THE DEATH STAR.
Why am I the ugliest thing in the entire world? And why do people hate me so much for my looks or my appearance?

This is something i've been wondering about all of my life. It consumes me. It is also emotionally draining. I don't know why I am hated so much by many and why people love to use me as a scapegoat, use me as a thing only to be used, and why so many put me down for my appearance that they find so utterly appalling and denigrating.

Like for instance, just earlier this week, when i was coming into work at our front entrance. This young lady was there, she looked at me directly in the eye and i could sense she was doing so because for that split second i looked at her, and i caught her looking directly at me. She never said "hello" nor "hi". It just irritated me so much. Then i saw her again as i came back to our office on my lunch break, again she was there. But instead i could hear her giggle, just barely, but she giggled at me. I know she did not mean this as a friendly manner, but it meant to be insulting. And again, she never said "hello" nor "hi".

This is just the tip of the iceberg. At one of my former jobs, I was treated almost everyday to a barrage of negative reactions and degrating insults. There was one time i had to lunch and i had to exit out our main door. This lady had to come inside first, so being the kind gentleman that i am, I used my pass key to let her inside. She was not pleased by what she saw, and she gave me a look of disgust, as if she said "ewww" at me. She didn't giggle like a five-year old child like that other young lady I saw earlier this week, but this other lady was surely disgusted. I let it go since i was in a rush to get to lunch at the time, but i couldn't stop thinking about it, to this day what she did is still on my mind, just as much as that young lady and her odd reactions earlier this past week. Every morning when I would come into work at that particular job, often there would be laughs from people, pointing me out, "oh there he is again," and yet I don't know why they are singling me out? I know they hate me based on my looks and appearance, what they find to be "abnormal" or "not quite right."
The other day, this guy who was a supervisor at another department
blatantly and out of the blue looked at me oddly (as usual) and asked me almost in a defensive manner, "do you work here?" So I showed him my badge, and I just looked and walked away. No apology, no ok, just left. So naturally when I saw him again, he was laughing at me, just like what they all do to me there. Lastly, before I left that company, I did try and ask their Human Resources department for help on my grievances. I did manage to have a brief discussion with their manager, but that seemed pretty much it, a discussion. I can't tell if anything had been done, if any action was ever taken, since I never really heard from them again. I tried to tell them that I was being harrassed quite often by other employees, mainly due to my appearance, but they only took my words on the phone, nothing else.

Usually, I'm quite nervous and anxious when it comes to interviews. But at times, I feel somewhat comforted when the people to whom I'm speaking are good natured and sincere. At least that's what I thought was the case when I interviewed for this office job for a consulting firm. The interview went fine, but when we said our goodbyes, I could've sworn I heard a strange giggle from one of the two ladies (probably in their 50's in terms of age). I almost wanted to stop, go back and ask why they did that, but it was too late; another bunch of people had the nerve to insult me once again. I just knew it had to be that, because I felt something was wrong, and I know it was me (as always).

I had to do jury duty some years ago. I got chosen as one of those who were to be picked on a jury panel and had to go into an assigned courtroom. Honestly, I will never forget what happened next, because as I was called by the judge and I was about to be questioned (if I was a candidate to be on the panel), as I was walking up to my seat in the "jury box" as they call it, I heard a lot of whispering in the form of other people muttering, in a rather negative tone. I could just feel and hear them whispering to each other in that room, and it was just eerie, odd and disturbing almost. I really, really felt nervous and anxious, thinking "why would they talk about me in that way?" or "why do they have to do it to me and not to others?" In a way it was hurtful, irritating, I almost wanted to run out of the courtroom from embarrassment, but thankfully I kept my composure; otherwise I would've been arrested or something.

Again, all these incidences are just several of the millions upon millions of other incidences that I've witnessed and encountered, the many disturbing, hateful, very negative reactions, feedback and responses that I have received from many, many people. Even more odd and strange is that it is mainly coming from adults, hardly ever from children. I would perhaps call this a slight, less profound form of bullying, more of being harrassed by many people, highly scrutinized, ridiculed, teased and mocked, always laughed at often. And most importantly, I almost always get these unusual stares and looks from many people over my appearance, like the "what planet do you come from?" look, or the "what on earth is that?" kind of a stare. Therefore, what it boils down to is that I feel very depressed, miserable, fatigued, disillusioned, guilty, ashamed and embarrassed. Whenever I am out in public, I almost always want to hide out somewhere, someplace where I won't be seen by anyone, because I feel vulnerable to so many people who I feel are judging me so very harshly over my appearance. I feel (and actually do think) that I'm very ugly, and I know (for a fact) that this is what people are thinking and perceiving of me.
The incidents you have cited hardly seem like a solid case for this perception you have. Perhaps you are just insecure, and negatively percieve these as intended slights. I know I have done this in the past. It can be really difficult to adequeately judge what other people think of us particularly strangers without them comming right out and saying it to our faces.
 
I

irwin

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Joined
Oct 14, 2020
Messages
175
Location
Colorado, USA
Why am I the ugliest thing in the entire world? And why do people hate me so much for my looks or my appearance?
Are you sure it doesn't have something to do with your behavior? People can sense if you're insecure, and a lot of people will try to make you feel bad. There are a lot of assholes in the world, and often, we have to work with some. I live near some assholes. I just ignore them and most of the time they leave me alone, but once in a while I have to deal with them.

Some things are out of our control, like what others think of us. We can do our best to present ourselves in a respectable and dignified manor, and that's all we can do. Still, some people will treat us poorly. It doesn't do any good to get emotional about it. Just observe and get on with your life. I know... easier said than done, but often, it's doable.
 
Intareseid

Intareseid

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Joined
Nov 7, 2020
Messages
67
Location
Somewhere I don't belong.
I'm going to be honest here, everything you wrote just sounds as the most classic case of social anxiety ever. And I know because I've very much been there.

I'm not saying that appearances do not matter or that people cannot be judgmental and cruel based on them or that this hasn't happened to you.

What I'm saying is that all the examples you give are: "this person looked at me and I extrapolated a bunch of wild conclusions about it", "I heard whispers and so I assumed these random strangers were going on negative rants about me" and so on.

Could some of this situations really have played out the way you thought? sure, but I would be willing to bet that at least 80% really didn't, that these people you perceived were being hostile or negative towards you didn't even notice you an if they did they forgot you existed 30 seconds later.

Social anxiety is all about a heightened level of social sensitivity, it leads you to perceive even perfectly harmless situations as incredibly hostile because you're constantly on the lookout for it.

You seem functional enough to at least lead a somewhat normal life and that's a huge plus but I bet this illness is eating you from the inside. You really should seek professional help but I think the first step to get better has to come directly from you, you need to realize that is the social anxiety causing this distorted perception, that you still see what you see and feel what you feel, but at least realize that this is about a mental illness, not about you somehow being a horrific abnormality masquerading as a human that drives judging eyes everywhere.
 
jajingna

jajingna

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Joined
Jul 31, 2020
Messages
2,018
Location
Canada
Social anxiety is all about a heightened level of social sensitivity, it leads you to perceive even perfectly harmless situations as incredibly hostile because you're constantly on the lookout for it.
Sums it up pretty good right there. It goes past that too, for me anyway, so I assume for many others too. There's a strongly conditioned reaction that begins in me and it affects my nervous system. This occurs before I'm even aware of it. I don't have any control over it. It's a "freeze" response, rather than fight or flight. Sometimes flight is an option. But the freeze comes first, such a well-trained reaction from childhood. It's been repeated many thousands of times.
 
S

Solzilla

Member
Joined
Nov 12, 2020
Messages
21
Location
Beyond Yonder
I know exactly what this feels like. I’ve always had a negative perception of myself. I’m working towards a more neutral one. One where I don’t bash myself so hard for looking the way that I do. It doesn’t mean faking confidence either. But knowing that I’m not the ugliest thing in the world helps to shift my mindset little by little.

If anything, I’m learning to just do things anyways. I’m trying my best not to pay attention to other people. Tune them out. Life will go on.
 
P

Purpleplum

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Feb 7, 2020
Messages
1,385
Location
nowhere
Stop thinking people are looking at you, laughing about you, etc...and walk proud. No matter if you hear a giggle and assume it's at you, remain confident. Even if it was about you, which it likely isn't, their opinion means nothing. Work on building confidence and you will notice a difference.
 
I

irwin

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Joined
Oct 14, 2020
Messages
175
Location
Colorado, USA
Sums it up pretty good right there. It goes past that too, for me anyway, so I assume for many others too. There's a strongly conditioned reaction that begins in me and it affects my nervous system. This occurs before I'm even aware of it. I don't have any control over it. It's a "freeze" response, rather than fight or flight. Sometimes flight is an option. But the freeze comes first, such a well-trained reaction from childhood. It's been repeated many thousands of times.
Yep, same here. I stiffen up like a board when I get scared, like when I'm in a confrontation with someone.
 
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