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    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

Why am I so insecure?

E

EMUSA

New member
Joined
Apr 5, 2010
Messages
3
Location
USA
I am a successful 30 year old guy with an amazing fiance. However, my feelings are not so amazing.

Not only am I jealous, I am insecure. My jealousy is minimal, but my feelings that result from it are not. I make up scenarios in my head that my fiance is or will cheat on me. We constantly have arguments about it. We have them to the point that she gets really upset and ends up in tears. I try and tell myself that my fears are a result of past family and marriage problems.

I create this situation for myself, and for the life of me, I cant figure out how to change my thought process. Logic tells me she is an honest and loving woman; but my twisted mind tells me I cant trust her and she is going to screw me over.

I know in my heart that she is the best things that has ever happened to me. I truly believe that! But my brain tells me I am being a fool to trust her 100%. And THAT train of thought is what is really causing a problem.

She tells me she is not leaving me and that she loves me. But my thought process tells me that it is some ploy and I will be hurt in the end.

I dont understand my own thoughts and cant figure out how to change this. I AM insecure as they come.

Anyone else feel this way? Anyone recovered from this? Any advice?
 
SimonB

SimonB

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 10, 2010
Messages
938
Location
United Kingdom
Mmm...toxic thoughts....are you seeing a psychotherapist or shrink??
 
E

EMUSA

New member
Joined
Apr 5, 2010
Messages
3
Location
USA
Mmm...toxic thoughts....are you seeing a psychotherapist or shrink??
Hey Simon,

No, I am not seeing anyone. Though I probably should at some point, I am not. Im attempting to figure this out myself.

I read what others on the site have written, and I feel so selfish even talking about my small problems.

Part of me whats to just snap out of this, though I know it will take serious modification of my thought process to be able to do that.

Im just a bit lost right now.
 
SimonB

SimonB

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 10, 2010
Messages
938
Location
United Kingdom
Figuring things out yourself is ok so long as you have insight and you learn from the things you identify.

Key feelings to look for are anxious thoughts the other any paranoia, anxiety and paranoia blind you to the reality...the way how think gets confused and tangled...then you end up in trouble....
 
J

JayGray

New member
Joined
Apr 5, 2010
Messages
4
Hi pal

I am a successful 30 year old guy with an amazing fiance. However, my feelings are not so amazing.

Not only am I jealous, I am insecure. My jealousy is minimal, but my feelings that result from it are not. I make up scenarios in my head that my fiance is or will cheat on me. We constantly have arguments about it. We have them to the point that she gets really upset and ends up in tears. I try and tell myself that my fears are a result of past family and marriage problems.

I create this situation for myself, and for the life of me, I cant figure out how to change my thought process. Logic tells me she is an honest and loving woman; but my twisted mind tells me I cant trust her and she is going to screw me over.

I know in my heart that she is the best things that has ever happened to me. I truly believe that! But my brain tells me I am being a fool to trust her 100%. And THAT train of thought is what is really causing a problem.

She tells me she is not leaving me and that she loves me. But my thought process tells me that it is some ploy and I will be hurt in the end.

I dont understand my own thoughts and cant figure out how to change this. I AM insecure as they come.

Anyone else feel this way? Anyone recovered from this? Any advice?

Hi pal, just to let you know, I am going through a very simlar thing with my partner, not with cheating as much though, rather the feeling she is going to leave me, like I am not good enough for her!?, its horrible, but tomorrow I shall be visiting my local Dr, trust me sir, it does not go away, and you will end up losing the woman you love, I think you should take a giant step and just visit your dr, like me, I have been having the same attitude you have, "i'll try fix this myself" but it has not worked for me, all i want is to get back to my old self and stop these obsurd feelings and thoughts that my brain is giving me!, message back mate, I would like to hear from you, kind regards, jay:)
 
J

JayGray

New member
Joined
Apr 5, 2010
Messages
4
Insecure and Paranoid

Hi everyone, my name is Jay, i'm 25 from the UK, (just thought I would introduce myself :).

Heres my issue, well for the last year, yeah and a half, I have been paranoid, not about people around me calling me names, just with partners, I have the strongest belief that they are going to leave me, like they are not attracted to me, and occasionally I get feelings they are cheating on me, I lost my last girlfriend to this, and i am with someone now, and its starting to affect my new relationship, I have been honest and told her, she understands and says she loves me and will stick by me, I have decided to visit the Dr this week, I will ring them tomorrow and make an appointment with him, and try and get this sorted, its the most horrible feeling to think your girl is leaving you, or wants to split up, when this is always denied by her and she says I am being silly, i wondered if anyone else here is having the same problem and if their is someone who would like to share an opinion with me, I am very scared, and very worried, please help, kind regards, Jay:(
 
angrydad

angrydad

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 2, 2010
Messages
117
Location
Lancashire
EMUSA, I still do this even though I have been married for twenty years and my wife has never cheated on me!! I make up senarios where I come home and find her with someone else. It even got to the point (when I was very manic and very ill) where I was checking her underware for signs of her having sex with someone else.
 
G

ginger

Active member
Joined
Mar 16, 2010
Messages
27
Location
burrleigh heads gold coast Australia
please seek help

I am a successful 30 year old guy with an amazing fiance. However, my feelings are not so amazing.

Not only am I jealous, I am insecure. My jealousy is minimal, but my feelings that result from it are not. I make up scenarios in my head that my fiance is or will cheat on me. We constantly have arguments about it. We have them to the point that she gets really upset and ends up in tears. I try and tell myself that my fears are a result of past family and marriage problems.

I create this situation for myself, and for the life of me, I cant figure out how to change my thought process. Logic tells me she is an honest and loving woman; but my twisted mind tells me I cant trust her and she is going to screw me over.

I know in my heart that she is the best things that has ever happened to me. I truly believe that! But my brain tells me I am being a fool to trust her 100%. And THAT train of thought is what is really causing a problem.

She tells me she is not leaving me and that she loves me. But my thought process tells me that it is some ploy and I will be hurt in the end.

I dont understand my own thoughts and cant figure out how to change this. I AM insecure as they come.

Anyone else feel this way? Anyone recovered from this? Any advice?
Hi my Husband was so much like you this is how it started no trust ,started accusing me of doing things seeing people ,paroniod, it got worse I didn't understand what was going on, then he started following me around in the car, I found out he was taking time of work and watching the house from down the street to see if I was leaving,this went on and had delusional thoughts for a few years , until he was completely out of reality.I wish I knew then what I know now.Please seek help, and go to the doctors to find out , if you have any mental issuses , you may not, but you need to see someone ,please dont wait any longer , there is good help out there , which can help you to control these thoughts , Ihave been married 36yrs my husband was diagnosed with scizaphrenia,20yrs ago now, in his 30's. My youngest son was diagnosed also with it at 32yrs every condition is different, and you may not have it some poeple can have 1 episode and never get another one,Don't let yourself go like my husband , it will desrtroy your relationship my sons fiance and there little daughter left, He has never had another one he says he carn't trust them, all the best, ginger
 
pinkprincess

pinkprincess

Well-known member
Joined
May 3, 2010
Messages
85
Location
East Yorkshire
I also suffer from these feelings. I also have depression but I have wild and crazy scenarios in my head that I begin to believe even though I know that they are totally illogical so I can sympathise!
I just try and reason with myself- which is easier said that done! :)
 
G

GeminiEnigma

New member
Joined
Sep 23, 2011
Messages
1
Insecurity is eating me alive

It is good to know I am not the only one feeling insecure. I know my husband isn't cheating on me. We are newlyweds, and had a very quick courtship. One of his ex's is a nude model...and is ridiculously skinny...his other ex works with him...and he is very into porn. Sadly, the most recent rash of porn was him looking at women that are exactly in line with his ex wife. And I am a mess. He treats me wonderfully. Our relationship is good. But I deal with horrendous stress created by myself. Why would he marry me if he dated that thin nude model? How could he be attracted to me if he looks at these women who look nothing like me in porn? And of course his nude model ex was very sexually experimental. And I am so afraid that I will just never match up. Everywhere we go, there are ghosts of these other women. My self-esteem is in the toilette. Honestly, I don't know how to make this better. And it is all in my head. I know it is...It is really depressing to know I have a man who loves me, and I can't seem to believe him, or feel like I will ever be enough for him...
 
calypso

calypso

Well-known member
Admin
Moderator
Joined
Jan 5, 2011
Messages
55,854
Location
Lancashire
hey GeminiEnigma

:welcome: to the forum. There are two things I would say with your situation. The first is that he chose you. He did not want his ex. She may be skinny and all that, but maybe he felt it was all about her being beautiful etc, but not love. He chose you. Keep repeating that.

The second thing is to ask him to stop with the porn. Tell him you are not sure who he is making love to, the porn or you. Tell him that it looks like he still wants his ex, to you. He cannot have his cake and eat it. It is quite childish to want that kind of porn in an adult relationship. I think your self esteem is so low that you find this hard to do. It could be an idea to ask him if he could go to Relate with you, not because your marriage is in jeopardy, but because you need to exorcise these ghosts with him. It can work wonders you know. xx
 
S

Stress-Head

New member
Joined
Feb 29, 2012
Messages
2
Hi Jay,

Just wondered how this all panned out for you? I'm going through this at the moment and considering going to my drs cause I don't wanna drive my boyfriend away...he's the best thing that ever happened to me. It's a vicious circle, I worry that he'll leave me, then I worry that I'm driving him mad cause of needing reassurance so then he's gonna leave me ... argggh!!
 
W

wildcat

Member
Joined
Mar 4, 2012
Messages
20
Hey.
I am 22 year old female and i have the exact feelings and thoughts. I split up with my boyfriend a couple of months ago, we were together for three years and had a lovely trusting relationship, however, i fell out of love with him. I started dating someone a few weeks after and it didn't work out, basically i got too serious and he didn't feel that way that quickly. I am now in a relationship with someone who was there for me the whole time and had feelings for me. We have a lovely relationship and he can't stop telling me how much he loves me and wants to be with me..yet recently i have started getting these fearful feelings that he is going to leave me..for no reason at all..i get these scenarios in my head that he likes other girls and that he will realise soon that he is not what i want and i can't stop thinking about it! it's very scary because these thoughts are just very compulsive and obsessive. As i am lying with him, cuddled up, hearing him saying how much he doesn't want to mess things up with me, all i can think about is what if it goes wrong. My mates keep telling me to stop being sad and if anything i am scared because i am too happy and i am scared to loose that happiness. I had anxiety disorder before my big split up with my ex and i was referred to a pyshotherapy, i then became very happy and felt like i didn't need it...now ive booked an appointment because these feelings are killing me. It's good to know i am not alone...
 
H

habsgirl

New member
Joined
May 29, 2012
Messages
1
i feel the same

[SUB][/SUB]
It is good to know I am not the only one feeling insecure. I know my husband isn't cheating on me. We are newlyweds, and had a very quick courtship. One of his ex's is a nude model...and is ridiculously skinny...his other ex works with him...and he is very into porn. Sadly, the most recent rash of porn was him looking at women that are exactly in line with his ex wife. And I am a mess. He treats me wonderfully. Our relationship is good. But I deal with horrendous stress created by myself. Why would he marry me if he dated that thin nude model? How could he be attracted to me if he looks at these women who look nothing like me in porn? And of course his nude model ex was very sexually experimental. And I am so afraid that I will just never match up. Everywhere we go, there are ghosts of these other women. My self-esteem is in the toilette. Honestly, I don't know how to make this better. And it is all in my head. I know it is...It is really depressing to know I have a man who loves me, and I can't seem to believe him, or feel like I will ever be enough for him...
Did you ever figure out how to get past these feelings? If so how? I am having the same problems and I am driving myself and my boyfriend crazy :( btw I;m a Gemini too, hmmmmmm maybe thats it lol
 
W

wildcat

Member
Joined
Mar 4, 2012
Messages
20
Heyyy!!! I posted on here months ago and back then whatever i wrote was just how i felt, i never talked about it to my boyfriend and everything seemed good, until i realised i needed to speak up and ever since i haven't been able to stop! it's killing our relationship and not just because of me but because he doesn't get me. i think your partner should be able to listen to you and understand as well as support you. unfortunately in my case he gets angry at me and then we argue all the time because he claims i don't trust him. It's not the trust, it's my obsessive negative thinking that won't go away that easy. most women go through this in their life, simple as. My old me was this great girl, always excited and fun, great self-esteem, no problems. Now i have turned into this loner who sits away thinking these horrid thoughts, which btw have completely killed my self-esteem. So even if my boyfriend would think my god my gf is gorgeous i would never leave her, in my head it's more like jesus bet i'm ugly and boring and no one wants to be with me..kinda..i suggest talking to him and if he understands, well congratulations because that's the best he can do and it shows he cares. In my case it's completely different and tbh i have come to the point where i am more excited not seeing him because then he won't annoy me!
 
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