Why am I selfish and insensitive

P

Promised one

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I have been with my fantastic boyfriend for 4 years...and now everything seems to be crashing down after my last bad BDP crisis where I was so so selfish and essentially ruined any trust he had in me being able to bring good in his life. He doesn't want to hear any of my apologies, I am so ashamed and angry at me. He thinks its just self pity, maybe a bit but also extreme sadness for what I make him endure. Any advice??? Thank you all
 
Soul_Deeps

Soul_Deeps

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I think it is often difficult for non BPD (and for BPD people aswell) people to truly understand which parts of a personality they can make responsible for which things. May I ask what happened?
 
Cazcat

Cazcat

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Hi,

Mental health problems can put a huge strain on relationships. Please excuse me, I don't know a lot about BPD, but I have many years of supporting my husband with his mental health problems (depression and psychosis) and there have been times where it has been really hard on our relationship. There was a point when he was at his most unwell where we separated for a few months because I couldn't cope. My own mental health has also been affected by my husband's illness quite severely at times.

From my perspective there have been certain things that have helped with regards to our relationship which might be helpful for your partner too.

The most important factor has been learning to put myself first. I have had a tendency to put his needs before mine. I now realise that this isn't sustainable and I end up becoming too unwell to support him if I do this.

Learning about his mental illness has really helped me to understand his behaviour better. Particularly reading books by people with first hand experience of his condition and their partners. There is a great book called "My lovely wife " by Mark Lukash although this is about his experience of his wife's psychosis rather than BPD.

My husband's mental health team have done a lot of joint work with us to help us rebuild our relationship including providing us with family therapy, where we saw a psychologist together to explore how his condition was impacting on both of us and our relationship. We both found that incredibly helpful.

I have also found a local service that support the family/carers of people with mental illnesses, which I have found amazingly helpful.

Lastly, we all have to set our own boundaries about what is and isn't acceptable and you need to respect those boundaries.

I know our situations are different, but I'm hoping there may be something from my experience that you find helpful.
 
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Drooo

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I think it is often difficult for non BPD (and for BPD people aswell) people to truly understand which parts of a personality they can make responsible for which things. May I ask what happened?
Yeah, I'd echo this. Maybe if we get a bit more in the way of specifics we might be able to understand things a bit better.
 
P

Promised one

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thank you all for the feedback. In more details we were out biking, i am not very experienced and my partner wanted to take what i found a scary trail. After finishing it he asked how it was: I said awful, I was very scared so did not enjoy it. But for him biking is very important and he made lots of efforts to buy a bike and to kind of "train" me so we could do this activity together. So his answer was: well you could make an effort to smile, it was not that bad, you are ruining it. This answer made me feel angry and I felt not understood so I shouted, cried and essentially ruined not only biking but our relationship cause my reaction was very self centered and I could not control myself. He told me to get back home on my own, which I did. I did not know what to do, I was scared and numb. So while waiting for him, I ran away from my thoughts by watching Netflix. So when he came back, I did not right away apologized, I just hid. This further his anger and hurt...thats it. I should add that my shouting and crying was outside so some neighboors probably herd to add to the drama I caused
 
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Drooo

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It's unfair of him to expect you to enjoy the same things as him. So he can get over that. He's been with you for four years so should know that you have some problems in certain areas and to be aware of that. You also know you have some problems in certain areas and need to work on them and learn to manage them. He shouldn't expect and shouldn't blame you for not liking the biking, but you shouldn't react angrily by shouting. Both of you need to be more aware I'd say, and both should be apologizing for your respective parts.

But don't worry, I doubt very much that you (both of you) will have damaged the relationship beyond repair.
 
Cazcat

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thank you all for the feedback. In more details we were out biking, i am not very experienced and my partner wanted to take what i found a scary trail. After finishing it he asked how it was: I said awful, I was very scared so did not enjoy it. But for him biking is very important and he made lots of efforts to buy a bike and to kind of "train" me so we could do this activity together. So his answer was: well you could make an effort to smile, it was not that bad, you are ruining it. This answer made me feel angry and I felt not understood so I shouted, cried and essentially ruined not only biking but our relationship cause my reaction was very self centered and I could not control myself. He told me to get back home on my own, which I did. I did not know what to do, I was scared and numb. So while waiting for him, I ran away from my thoughts by watching Netflix. So when he came back, I did not right away apologized, I just hid. This further his anger and hurt...thats it. I should add that my shouting and crying was outside so some neighboors probably herd to add to the drama I caused
I was expecting you to say something much worse. As a nervous cyclist married to a keen mountain biker I feel your pain. And I would have reacted (and probably have) in a similar way and I don't have a BPD diagnosis. I would also have been fuming with him for leaving me to make my own way home and probably told him what I thought of him for that too when he got home. It sounds like a pretty standard argument to me with probably fault on both sides (There generally is in most arguments in my opinion). From what you say I think he needs to grow up a bit and learn to value your feelings more. If he wants to go on more challenging tracks he needs to go with someone else. Do you have any other shared hobbies or interests?
 
Soul_Deeps

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I have to agree with Cazcat. I also don't think that there is less trust now, because how I understand it there wasn't any serious lying or anything involved. But I mean, I can understand him a bit. If you really want to do something with your partner because it gives you a lot of joy, but the partner is annoyed by it... it can hurt. But letting you drive home alone is really a bad move and he should try to be more sensitive for your feelings. But I can't imagine this as a relationship breaking event.
 
Deadheading

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First of all, when you say BPD, do you mean borderline personality disorder?

I'm not diagnosed with it, but I think I have it. Borderline, I learned, can be confused with narcissism as you show concern for yourself and not for others. That is a big symptom for me, and if I don't have BPD then I probably do have narcissistic personality disorder.
 
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