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Why am I Miserable?

M

Mrs Scamp

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Joined
Jun 8, 2021
Messages
42
Location
Surrey
Hi all
I’ve suffered from depression and anxiety for many years, partly caused by a bullying boss for a couple of years, then the menopause followed by breast cancer - been in remission for nearly 10 years. Been on a few meds, currently Mirtazapine. I suffered from depression in my teens and twenties which settled down with treatment and I married, had a son and great career. My ex husband was a controlling bully who was a terrible dad. I met my now husband many years ago and have been married for 10 years and we’re both retired. My life seemed good but the last three years haven’t been great as my anxiety and depression have got worse again. Some days I’m fine but some days I feel miserable, lost, lonely, get tetchy with my husband for no reason other than he is at home and just feel like crying and giving up. I’ve got so many good things in my life but it doesn’t always feel enough. I think about divorce but I don’t want one, I feel like I’m wrecking my life and I can’t understand why. I like being alone with my thoughts but know it’s not good for me mentally. I sometimes wonder if I ran away and didn’t go home again ever if that would be good for me. So sorry this is long but my head is muddled. I think I’d like to be invisible so no one could see me. What do I do?
 
AliceTheDivided

AliceTheDivided

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Joined
Jan 9, 2022
Messages
28
Location
Chess Board, Wonderland
It sounds like you have been through a lot in your life. I'm sorry to hear you're going through even more.
Could it be that both your and your husbands' psychology is affected by the pandemic situation? Being subjected to all this stress and restrictions, enduring lock downs and what not, could have thrown you off balance...
Also, could it be that this medication isn't working for you?
You mentioned that you like being alone with your thoughts...and that should be ok if you did it through a positive activity perhaps? For example, when I need some alone time I choose to paint, or go running, these are my mediums for processing my thoughts whilst remaining present and not going into spiraling/ overthinking.
Maybe you've both developed a routine that needs a little change in order to refresh you. Before giving up on a relationship/ marriage that was working for you, maybe you should try and fix it first (unless there's deep seated initial problems and dysfunction in the relationship that poses a serious threat to you).
 
M

Mrs Scamp

Active member
Joined
Jun 8, 2021
Messages
42
Location
Surrey
It sounds like you have been through a lot in your life. I'm sorry to hear you're going through even more.
Could it be that both your and your husbands' psychology is affected by the pandemic situation? Being subjected to all this stress and restrictions, enduring lock downs and what not, could have thrown you off balance...
Also, could it be that this medication isn't working for you?
You mentioned that you like being alone with your thoughts...and that should be ok if you did it through a positive activity perhaps? For example, when I need some alone time I choose to paint, or go running, these are my mediums for processing my thoughts whilst remaining present and not going into spiraling/ overthinking.
Maybe you've both developed a routine that needs a little change in order to refresh you. Before giving up on a relationship/ marriage that was working for you, maybe you should try and fix it first (unless there's deep seated initial problems and dysfunction in the relationship that poses a serious threat to you).
Thank you for replying. My husband is a lovely man who would do anything for me. It’s not him that’s the problem, just me. I think you’re right in saying the pandemic could have affected me, all the lockdowns were Terrible and I did suffer mentally. I was in hospital for a week in December 2020 which took me a couple of months to recover from. I might give drawing a try and jigsaws. When I sit and think, my thoughts can be quite self destructive as I just think terrible things, maybe my meds need tweaking. It’s always good to chat on here as people have good ideas 👍 thank you x
 
24thMAU

24thMAU

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Joined
Aug 21, 2021
Messages
73
Location
Idaho Falls, ID
I like word find games. I've also been watching alot of Youtube videos. There is all sorts of stuff on there.
 
M

Mrs Scamp

Active member
Joined
Jun 8, 2021
Messages
42
Location
Surrey
Better day today although not 100% yet. My anxiety is still there lurking in the background. I’m just not feeling happy, just tense and lacking in the happy feeling of being alive. Been keeping busy with housework though. I’m always glad when it’s bedtime as I feel less anxious and depressed then. I feel like I’m odd in being like this.
 
AliceTheDivided

AliceTheDivided

Active member
Joined
Jan 9, 2022
Messages
28
Location
Chess Board, Wonderland
@Mrs Scamp Ι'd say you're really not. The time before sleep is either a blessing or a curse for many. For you it's maybe just that time of day when you let go of your anxiety and manage to relax, if only a little bit.
Speaking from personal experience, anxiety is almost always in the background. For example even when I'm not anxious, I often am afraid of becoming anxious again, which is absolutely ridiculous and makes me laugh eventually, but still a reality. Feeling alive consists of taking care of all your needs. Not just keeping busy. What is it that gives you joy? Makes you smile? For me it's little trivial things, like looking up at the sky, watching the scenery, making tea... Perhaps adding some little moments of happiness can add up in time to make you feel better. You could include your husband in this too. Go for walks, make puzzles together while listening to music you both enjoy, you could cook something from scratch... Or you could just take a nice long bath.
Look for the secret meaning of life in the things that surround you. The blackness is a part of life, but it's just a part of it. Don't let it take over. It's a long term battle, don't be discouraged ^_^
 
M

Mrs Scamp

Active member
Joined
Jun 8, 2021
Messages
42
Location
Surrey
You’re so right Alicethedivided, thank you.
I’ve been staring at the garden watching the robins and magpies eat from our feeders, that made me smile and relax for a while. Anxiety and depression are not easy and I need to remember this and stop beating myself up. I’m like you, if I’m not anxious then I worry about when I will feel anxious lol. Bed and sleeping is my saviour at the moment.
 
AliceTheDivided

AliceTheDivided

Active member
Joined
Jan 9, 2022
Messages
28
Location
Chess Board, Wonderland
@Mrs Scamp Τake things at your own pace. You're definitely not alone in this, so don't lose courage. There will be bad days, but the good days make it all worth it ;) .

Having a garden is lovely, it used to make me smile too, back when I had one. I would watch the birds too, although I had to lock up first because my cats got a little too excited about it. And gardening can be an excellent way to relieve stress and can be both a solitary or a group activity. If you're up for it, I definitely recommend it.

We tend to set certain expectations for ourselves, and we set them unreasonably high. I have found that I often need to remind myself that what is expected of me, is to just be me. To be loving and understanding (to a normal human degree) to those I love, and to carry on living as best as I can. And our best isn't the same every day. Be kind to yourself Mrs Scamp.
 

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