- Jun 1, 2021
So lately I've be struggling with many issues related to my mental health but there is one that stands out the most. I keep having multiple meaningless sexual experiences and it's growing by the day. I am using drugs to subsidè the guilt and emptiness yet I am maintaining a high level of sexual desire. This has often led to complicated relationships, drug fuelled random sex and feelings of guilt and worthlessness. But I can seem to control this and its ruining my life. Because being a gay man it's not just sex. It's drugs. It's degrading myself. Humiliation and a constant void in myself. I just feel on autopilot and sex is the driver. I have just had a loss in my family. Moved country with no love from close people and I feel like everyone knows my dirty secrets. Yet all I want to do is feel connected with someone. Even the random guy who is up the road. Even if this puts my health at risk, relationships break down, my mental health at risk. I keep doing it. I'll give you an idea... I'm 3 months I've had nearly 30 partners....all of whom I have no desire to have a meaningful relationship with. Does anyone else find this to control when they're struggling with your own bipolar. Should I seek help before my feelings of guilt and worthlessness grow. This is who I feel I deserve to be and all I'm worth. But the this is so far fetched from the truth it's unimaginable. All I want is love but I feel unworthy of this. I think its time to seek help??