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Why am i degrading myself

  • Thread starter Bipolarkoalabear
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Bipolarkoalabear

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So lately I've be struggling with many issues related to my mental health but there is one that stands out the most. I keep having multiple meaningless sexual experiences and it's growing by the day. I am using drugs to subsidè the guilt and emptiness yet I am maintaining a high level of sexual desire. This has often led to complicated relationships, drug fuelled random sex and feelings of guilt and worthlessness. But I can seem to control this and its ruining my life. Because being a gay man it's not just sex. It's drugs. It's degrading myself. Humiliation and a constant void in myself. I just feel on autopilot and sex is the driver. I have just had a loss in my family. Moved country with no love from close people and I feel like everyone knows my dirty secrets. Yet all I want to do is feel connected with someone. Even the random guy who is up the road. Even if this puts my health at risk, relationships break down, my mental health at risk. I keep doing it. I'll give you an idea... I'm 3 months I've had nearly 30 partners....all of whom I have no desire to have a meaningful relationship with. Does anyone else find this to control when they're struggling with your own bipolar. Should I seek help before my feelings of guilt and worthlessness grow. This is who I feel I deserve to be and all I'm worth. But the this is so far fetched from the truth it's unimaginable. All I want is love but I feel unworthy of this. I think its time to seek help??
 
Tawny

Tawny

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Do you need to be taking more medication? Reducing the mania should reduce your libido.

Is there something else you can do to make you feel something good other than sex and meeting up or drugs?

There are so many pleasurable things in life, there must be something you once loved doing like horse riding to pick one thing. Kayaking? Surfing? Trampolining? What makes you feel good? Passions?
 
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SFGuy

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I keep having multiple meaningless sexual experiences and it's growing by the day.
A friend of mine gets help from a group called Sex Addicts Anonymous. I think they have chapters all over. Would that be worth a try?
 
Wishbone

Wishbone

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Can you see any line between seeking new partners because it's easy in that scene and you're trying to fill a void of unhappiness, and seeking new partners because you just cannot stop the damn craving? I mean, if anything you sound more depressed than anything going upwards, which is where you would usually find the hypersexualisation. So is this more about trying to make yourself happy rather than a part of Bipolar running away from you?
 
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SFGuy

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It sounds like you have been stressed by the death in your family and your disconnection from close people. That would beat up anybody, especially us bipolar folk.

A lot of us gay men numb ourselves with anonymous sex when we're stressed. That you are hooking up a lot makes perfect sense, doesn't it? Trouble is, it only distracts us and doesn't give us friendship or intimacy.

I found my husband a long time ago in a group at a queer community center. I instantly found him sexy, but we got a chance to know each other before I asked him out. Naturally, I think environments like that -- non-sexual but gay -- are a promising way to work toward intimacy with another man. Apps are great for quickies, but, as you say, don't deliver intimacy.

You asked whether it's time for therapy. When I was experiencing just what you describe, a therapist helped me open up to real possibilities of intimacy. So I vote yes for therapy.

Please give yourself permission to be sad (or however you feel) and acknowledge the impact recent stressors have had on you. If you can, pamper yourself and take it easy. You've suffered some blows. If you use the apps for a release valve, please forgive yourself.

Your post sounds a bit depressed and hyper. Have you talked with your psych about your meds?
 

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