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Who is that girl?

NightShade9421

NightShade9421

Member
Joined
Nov 26, 2019
Messages
6
Location
Michigan
I have struggled with mental health problems for as long as I can remember. My mom had her own set of illnesses mentally and physically to the point of where it became very toxic. She didn't mean it at all. She would never mean to hurt anybody. But she struggled with herself to a point of where she was very neglectful, and borderline emotionally abusive.

I remember several times walking in on her trying to hurt herself as a child in third grade. She also has BPD and has had it for a long time and I know this now. I feel for her. I really do. But part of me still resents her.

I am 25 years old and I have been feeling like my mental health has been spiraling out of control. I was very concerned that I was having a mental breakdown or that maybe I was developing schizophrenia. I have pretty bad anxiety/panic disorder and the two don't mix well together. I have been committed four times in the last 5 years for suicidal ideation... I was basically terrified of myself. I remember being so scared from a really extreme round of panic attacks where I was too afraid to watch Finding Dory... because I was thinking about how the movie is underwater and it made me gruesomely imagine drowning. The paranoia is a daily part of my life and I have nobody in my life who seems to understand what is happening and they approach it in a way I personally don't find helpful..

I feel like I have read a lot of the symptoms of BPD and it just seems to explain so much. I have been struggling with not knowing who I am for a long time now, and I feel like I am not me... I will look in the mirror and be shocked... not by my appearance, but that I see myself in general... my identity.. the same face I have seen for a long time now. I started thinking maybe I had multiple personalities and that maybe the other one was coming out.. I was terrified and still am almost on a daily basis. I just received the diagnosis of BPD today and it has opened my eyes. I feel like I have actual hope for once when I was very seriously running out. I can actually figure out who I am and live a semi-normal life.

Is there anybody who relates? I feel out of control of myself sometimes and it terrifies me to my core.
 
Lunus

Lunus

Well-known member
Joined
May 20, 2019
Messages
1,064
Location
Norfolk
I have struggled with mental health problems for as long as I can remember. My mom had her own set of illnesses mentally and physically to the point of where it became very toxic. She didn't mean it at all. She would never mean to hurt anybody. But she struggled with herself to a point of where she was very neglectful, and borderline emotionally abusive.

I remember several times walking in on her trying to hurt herself as a child in third grade. She also has BPD and has had it for a long time and I know this now. I feel for her. I really do. But part of me still resents her.

I am 25 years old and I have been feeling like my mental health has been spiraling out of control. I was very concerned that I was having a mental breakdown or that maybe I was developing schizophrenia. I have pretty bad anxiety/panic disorder and the two don't mix well together. I have been committed four times in the last 5 years for suicidal ideation... I was basically terrified of myself. I remember being so scared from a really extreme round of panic attacks where I was too afraid to watch Finding Dory... because I was thinking about how the movie is underwater and it made me gruesomely imagine drowning. The paranoia is a daily part of my life and I have nobody in my life who seems to understand what is happening and they approach it in a way I personally don't find helpful..

I feel like I have read a lot of the symptoms of BPD and it just seems to explain so much. I have been struggling with not knowing who I am for a long time now, and I feel like I am not me... I will look in the mirror and be shocked... not by my appearance, but that I see myself in general... my identity.. the same face I have seen for a long time now. I started thinking maybe I had multiple personalities and that maybe the other one was coming out.. I was terrified and still am almost on a daily basis. I just received the diagnosis of BPD today and it has opened my eyes. I feel like I have actual hope for once when I was very seriously running out. I can actually figure out who I am and live a semi-normal life.

Is there anybody who relates? I feel out of control of myself sometimes and it terrifies me to my core.
I can relate to your story. Unfortunately they are common traits of BPD. You are correct, BPD is not a life sentence, you can learn to control your emotions and to make them less extreme so you no longer suffer. You need to learn Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) through either a psychologist or self help. Two books I’d recommend are:

The Mindful way through depression by Kabat Zinn

Mindfulness for Borderline Personality Disorder by Blaise Aguirre and Gillian Galen.

Post again if you have any questions.
 
NightShade9421

NightShade9421

Member
Joined
Nov 26, 2019
Messages
6
Location
Michigan
I can relate to your story. Unfortunately they are common traits of BPD. You are correct, BPD is not a life sentence, you can learn to control your emotions and to make them less extreme so you no longer suffer. You need to learn Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) through either a psychologist or self help. Two books I’d recommend are:

The Mindful way through depression by Kabat Zinn

Mindfulness for Borderline Personality Disorder by Blaise Aguirre and Gillian Galen.

Post again if you have any questions.

I am actually going to be transferring therapists soon to start DBT. I am just getting so discouraged. I had my dream job(worked at a Veterinarian Hospital) and quit it all of a sudden for reasons that I know now, were just tiny little issues that I blew way out of proportion. I cannot bear to go right back in to customer service or fast food after working at the hospital. Since my first job, it seems like I just cannot seem to stay in one job very long. I have worked around 8 or 9 jobs... started working 6 years ago and my longest job was 6 months.. most of them ranged quite a bit shorter than that.
I would find myself getting ready for work and just get an overwhelming urge to call in.. it would just play over and over in my mind.. "call in, call in, it'll be okay, they won't fire you, call in... you're sick.. you're anxious" and it is at every single job. The Vet job was the only job I had that I had it a lot less frequently though.
I am falling into some serious depression because I cannot seem to work right now and hold a job.. my boyfriends mom hates me because she says that I am bad for her son... when I know she is partially right.. I can't hold a job... one week I am obsessed with him, the next I want to just leave because I feel like he doesn't love me anymore.. so I understand where she is coming from.. but I have been with him for 7 years now... and I feel like I haven't been present for any of it.. is it even fixable at this point?
 
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