• Welcome! It’s great to see you. Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

where to post- what kind of mental illness- sorry long

I

ilmd

Member
Joined
Sep 22, 2008
Messages
5
Sorry this is long- I have a 34 y/o daughter- I raised her as a single mom, with an ex-husband who tried to punish me any way he could- by paying minimum child support, by threatening me, by harrassing me with hang-up phone calls every morning at 4-5am.
My daughter has lied, stolen $25,000, lied to my family, been very nice at times, can be very 'charming', has a professional job.I was stupid and worked my ass off as a nurse- worked all weekends, worked 7 days a week, worked 16 hours a day 4 days a week, just so she would have everything.
I don't know if she is just spoiled, or if there is a mental problem.
She pulls her eyelashes out since she was 7 years old.
The last was the final straw- she lied about sending my 99 year old aunt a birthday card- the aunt has lived in a nursing home for 3 years, her house sold 2 years ago. My daughter know the house was sold. She yelled/cursed, said she was too busy to stop at a store to buy a card- she "had to work". Well, the aunt NEVER missed a birthday, Christmas, etc. When my daughter told me she had sent the card to the aunts old house, I knew that AGAIN, she lied. I told her that none of us believed her- that we all knew she lied. (I even went to the old house and talked to the lady that lives there now- she said no card had come, but would call me if one did- I was staying 3 blocks away).
My daughter told me that I was 'condenscending, abusive- and that she wanted to end our relationship". She had been caught again in either a lie, stealing, etc.
I have not been so relaxed in years- I feel like I am rid of a great weight- I don't have to worry about her lying to me, being rude to me, abusing me for money- what else can I say?
I do wonder if she is just a spoiled bitch, or if there is something wrong woth her- BPD? Bipolar?
Anyway, I know it is impossible for you to know what the problem is, as the situation is much more complex- but if she were mentally ill, I would want her to get counseling. If she is just a spoiled B, then I am afraid I did it.
Thanks for the ear.
 
lucid scream

lucid scream

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 22, 2008
Messages
672
Location
Looking down from the bridge
do you feel like you did the best you could?
what more could you have done?
you dont have to worry about giving her everything anymore, your free. enjoy it, you cannot control anothers actions, so why beat yourself up over it?
 
D

Dollit

Guest
Some people just turn out the way they are because that's the way they are. Whether she has a mental illness or not she is behaving badly. The baseline is that whether she has an illness or not she's responsible for her behaviour and not you. She's an adult and she has choices. And like Lucid says - why beat yourself up about it?
 
I

ilmd

Member
Joined
Sep 22, 2008
Messages
5
Yes, I really did the best I couls I think. In fact, I think I did TOO good- working so many hours, weekends, holidays just so she could have everything (I never would spend that much money on myself). Then I spent every moment I wasn't working doing things with her, so when she was older she couldn't say that I was not around.
Unfortunately, now I regret it- I should have done things for me...
Yes, she is responsible for herself now- I am through 'giving'. She can live her spoiled life with the fiance'. I tried for so many years to be the one who did things right- I was always on eggshells with her- especially the past 5-6 years- I never spoke my mind- never criticized her, never asked for anything-never said anything when she hurt my feeling. Done. I will live my own life now, as she will always blame someone else. Thanks all.
 
honeyquince

honeyquince

Well-known member
Founding Member
Joined
May 27, 2008
Messages
1,719
Location
Yorkshire
At 34 she is well and truly an adult now and should be having an adult relationship with you. At the very least she is now responsible for her own life and her own actions and if her actions lead you to step back from the relationship then she needs to accept responsibility for that too. Remember that taking a step back can be just that and is not necesarily a permanent thing. Bridges can be build later on maybe when she's learnt a few things.

Take care and be kind to yourself - it sounds like you deserve it!
 
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