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Where should I start...?

M

MsMarvelous

New member
Joined
Sep 30, 2012
Messages
2
Hi everyone - First of all, I want to say I know the first port of call is to go and see a GP or psychologist, but currently I'm not able to do so (due to commitments and personal issues) and I'm not looking for a diagnosis, I'm just looking for a starting point. I would like some advice on what personality disorders to research and educate myself on, and consider for myself before I approach medical help when I have the opportunity. I think I would feel more comfortable and confident if I could get some kind of idea of what might be going on, and read from there.

Basically, I think I have some kind of personality disorder. Rather than ramble on, I'll give you a few simple bullet points -

- I have experienced a very long depressive episode (2 years). During this episode there were periods in which I was suicidal.
- I experience severe panic attacks, to the point of violence and sometimes delusion and paranoia when under stress.
- I'm incredibly shy and find it difficult to integrate myself into social situations at times. I find it difficult to make friends, and once I have them I'm extremely scared of losing them, even when its unnecessary.
- I feel like I don't have my own personality. I go through phases where I adopt a persona I've become attracted to. For instance certain actors/actresses or characters from books or movies or musicians might become my focus, and I will dress more like them, become obsessed with their image etc, attempt to become like them, essentially adopt their personality. Usually the people I fixate on are deceased and died in tragic circumstances (people like River Phoenix or Kurt Cobain).
- I adopt persona's or ideals all of the time and without much thought. I feel like its me trying to create myself, a personality, its me trying to fit into something. For instance I've adopted Buddhism before out of no where, it was a whim, and it was intense for a while but then I got over it and never thought of it again.
- I have trouble sleeping sometimes, I have quite intense bad dreams and I have a terrible sleeping pattern which is difficult to go against.
- I have extreme emotional reactions to things which are often inappropriate. For example if something happens which I perceive as negative or sad, I will cry in public and break down; the next day I will realise it wasn't a bad thing at all or it was minor. Sometimes these reactions are driven towards suicidal ideas.
- I idolise things like drug use, smoking, rebellious behavior, sexual promiscuity, although I don't engage in any of those things currently. I don't know if I would if I had the opportunity, but I find them fascinating and can't seem to shift that.
- I lie compulsively and constantly. Its very natural for me. They are usually lies about who I am, what I like, what I do etc.
- If something goes wrong with a relationship or love interest, I go into a seriously bad depressive state, almost PTSD like.
- I have extreme mood swings and aggression issues, as well as a lack of patience.
- I have fixations on future careers or identities that soon enough go away.
- My mother has been diagnosed with Bipolar before, and I've been diagnosed with OCD and depression before, neither of which are troubling me much currently.

Please give me a hint as to what disorder I might be experiencing, so I can educate myself a bit. Its hard to know what the symptoms mean just from wikipedia articles.
 
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R

Rose19602

Former member
That's quite a lot going on isn't it? and then there's the likeness to PTSD, the diagnosed OCD and depression and the bi-polar heredity issue to consider. I'm not even sure if bi-polar and personality disorder can get diagnosed together? But I could very well be wrong. I'm no expert.
With respect, I don't think anyone here could sort this one out for and tell you what to do for research because the symptoms are so wide ranging and encompassing. It's very complex, and I'm concerned that you're just likely to confuse yourself further no matter where you look. I think it's one for the professionals. Sorry! I know that's not what you want to hear, but for clarity's sake........
I hope you get the right help when you're ready to take this forward. It sounds very difficult to deal with for you and you're clearly having a very hard time of it all trying to cope.
Please keep safe in the meantime and good luck
x
x
 
M

MsMarvelous

New member
Joined
Sep 30, 2012
Messages
2
Thanks for the responses -

I know that a lot of those symptoms are wide ranging and indicative of many disorders, but I've been finding it hard to figure out where some of them fit. The personality disassociation/pretending to be other people element doesn't come up anywhere that I've read, nor does compulsive lying. I think those are the elements that I'm also most worried about.
 
D

Devon

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2009
Messages
148
Location
Devon
It does seems to be a mix of many things but my thought is why do you need a diagnosis.

I've felt labels are better for clothes than people.
A diagnosis often ends up pigeon-holing you and doesn't help much.
 
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