Where I've Bin (if you are interested)

[Zardos]

The last couple of days have been a dizzy blur.. Been sleeping allot, had some amazing dreams.. I love dreaming, they are more interesting than my reality.. My son came and went.. Didn't mention my arm.. Haven't been eating much.. I eat brown bread.. And sometimes a packet of chrisps.. My head has been full of fog.. Or cotton wool.. Just thick.. Like a bad head cold, only without all the snot.

Right now I'm feeling pretty well.. Normal.. Its the mornings that gets me.. I'm disturbed in the mornings.. But as the day goes by I feel better.. The last time I saw my shrink I told him all about it and he said anxiety doesn't work like that.. anxiety works the other way round apparently, so he didn't believe me and basically accused me of making shit up... but I've seen another thread in here about morning anxiety.....

Anyway I've been making it through the mornings by gobbling pills, and relaxing in the afternoons... my thoughts are running at a normal speed and I've been stuck in this reality.. So I've been doing real world things.. Tidying, going to the bank, the shop.. Couldn't find any bottles of Coke... not in much pain either.. So I guess I should be happy.. But I don't feel 'happy'.. I don't feel very much of anything.. I think its the medication I'm on....

I've been watching b-movies I download from the net.. All the 'A' movies are being withheld because of the virus.. I've watched some really crappy films.. I find movies help allot.. They gather up my thoughts and help me concentrate on something for a hour or two.. Without them I just drift................

I hate feeling like this.. Not particularly up or down.. Just flat.. Its so boring and uneventful... makes me wonder if this is what its like to be 'normal'... if so I hate it.. Sure I'm getting more done and I've even caught up with all the things I was neglecting.. But its like I'm just going through the motions..........

I'm like a unprogramed robot.. Just waiting around, waiting for somebody to tell me what to do.......

sorry if this post was tedious and boring... but that's where I'm at !

 

[Tawny]

It is normal for me to feel better as the day goes on.

Maybe in the mornings you are depressed and feel better as the day goes on, so no anxiety in the evening as no depression? It is normal for depression to do that.

Depression is a big mess of anxiety, dread, panic and more, for me

 

[Lunar Lady]

Hi Zardos

I can relate to what you’re saying.

The most important factor to human happiness is a sense of achievement or progression. We need goals to work towards - drifting along with no point or purpose makes us increasingly miserable and more apathetic. This is why lock down is causing so many concerns about mental health...many still have their lives ‘on hold’ and every day is just a question of passing time until there’s a green light to start living again.

Your diet is not doing you any favours. Your brain needs nutrients to make essential chemicals. My suggestion would be to get a piece of paper and pen and set yourself some goals for this week. Go shopping and buy some nutritious foods - you’ll feel so much better just from having a good meal. Set yourself a household project...make a plan to connect with somebody on the phone ..that sort of thing.

It is so easy to fall into a pattern of letting the days drift. Time to take control of the tiller

 

[WanderingA]

You literally took the words right out my head!!. My head always feels so blugh. I feel like a zombie not knowing what day it is my anxiety isn't there (I don't think) I'm not having any of the usual panicky symptoms just a really foggy head. Not really any ompfh I'm hungry but don't want to eat or not sure what to eat. I got told the same that its not anxiety it's all in my head.. Well der that's what I've been saying hahah.. Hang in there it tends to come and go.. We can do this!.

 

[JessisMe]

Welcome back Zardos! It sounds like you have had some time for reflection, productivity and relaxation. I also experience really rough mornings but it seems to get better once I get up and start to move around a bit. This comes from depression. I wonder if you might have a touch of this too? Glad to hear that your visit with your son went well. We are all lucky if/when we have family who care. Good to see you around again. xo, j

 

[Zardos]

Hi guys and thank you for all the kind words

So its yet another day of sameness and maybe you are right JessisMe.. Maybe I am a little depressed.. I find myself caring a little less each day... today I got up at seven.. Went to the paper shop to buy fags, the to the supermarket to buy bottles of Coke.. Then I did something I almost never do and went back to bed.. Had some really trippy dreams.. Got up.. I can't really remember when.. And ate a pizza.. Which is good for me just lately.. Closest thing to a hot meal I've had in a couple of weeks... then it was down to business.. Sitting in this chair, watching YouTube and downloading movies to watch.. Which is getting harder and harder.. I've pretty much cleaned out the movie site I use...

I'm feeling................... okay I guess.. Don't really feel much of anything.. Maybe I'm still numb from the self harm.. I keep taking the pills.. But by this time I'm not really sure about the effect they are having on me... maybe I shouldn't take them on day like this and save them for days when I really need them.. I dunno

So that's it.. A day in the life.. Now the night is setting in and I'm about to watch a film.. I have no idea what it about..then I have no idea what I'm going to do after that.....

time is moving really quickly for some reason, another day lost.. an i've done nothing again.. this isn't living

 

[Lunar Lady]

Hi Zardos,

Yes, it’s easy to get into a depressive cycle. The less we do, the worse we feel, the more we withdraw and sleep...the more we lose impetus and interest...until there’s nothing left.

Great that you had some hot food. There’s a starting point - shop for two decent meals a day and take some pleasure in the food. When I was at my lowest, I used to keep a sweatshirt, leggings and trainers on a chair by the front door so I could pull them on and get OUT straight away. I walked briskly for 30 minutes every day because the exercise gave me an endorphin boost and lifted the depression and brain fog naturally.

What are you researching on the internet? Anything interesting you can start as a subject on our debate forum? We all need conversation and that could be a fun way to engage with other people and give your brain some exercise.

Have you got a project you can get involved with at home? I’m about to decorate and overhaul my bedroom, so I’m choosing colours and planning what furniture I can upcycle and drawing the new layout...it’s great to have a project that you can do a little of each day and then get the pleasure of the end result.

It’s okay to be depressed...as long as you know that it’s not permanent and you have a bag of tricks to help yourself out of the nose dive.

So, what’s for dinner? Another brisk walk to the shop to get something nutritious?

Sending you lots of love and a big hug xxx

 

[Zardos]

Thank You for the long post Lunar Lady

A week ago I was terrified about being on my own... now I feel...... different.. I guess I'm in the same kind of depression but without the speed.. I think watching movies slows me down..or it was the self harm.. Or it was something else.. Something I haven't identified.. My shrink maintains things can't change that fast... check out my day.

I stayed up late last night... till about half three.. Four.. So it was fairly easy getting to sleep.. And I slept right through till I woke up at ten past ten this morning.. When I got up.. But I didn't feel the panic I felt last week... last week when I got up I used to be so freaked out I was unable to sit still.. To the point where I would walk up and down, shaking my arms about like a freak.. And I'd have to gobble pills and smoke cigarettes for a couple of hours before I could do anything. Today when I got up the first thing I did was have a small pizza for breakfast.. Then I continued to watch the God father trilogy.. I'd started last night which is what had kept me up late... I've run out of new movies to steel and watch, so I'm rewatching classic films I've seen before...

Then about midday I got a text from my son.. Asking me if I could give him £60.. See I've trained him up good.. In the old days he used to say can you lend me £60... then after receiving allot of texts from me explaining how I can't 'lend' him any money because he never pays me back.. So I can't lend him shit.. So now I get straight out 'can you give me money' texts... a small point, but I think its important.. I don't mind at all... its not like he's a bum.. He's got a full time job and he works his ass off.. And he is my son after all... so he came around about half three which is the only reason I got dressed today and I felt the need to tidy.. Move all the crap off the couch so at least he'd be able to sit down while he's fleecing me.. He didn't ask about my arm.. And I didn't feel like getting into it... I'm in a different place... he stayed for about an hour.. We had two cups of tea, with some milk that was on the turn... I haven't been buying milk.. I don't use it.. I drink Coke...

Since he left I've been in a waking coma.. Did some surfing for movies and found one I haven't seen, and I found one... tonight's movie is 'In The Company Of Men'...... I haven't had anything else to eat a since the pizza this morning and I've smoked allot of cigarettes... but I haven't really done anything today.. Just sit.. I swear this is what its like to be an old man... I'm feeling kind of numb and lost.. On the plus side I don't feel as afraid as I did last week.. But my fantasy life isn't there either.. And I'm trapped in this reality and it sucks... I don't like real life.. Its so dull and uninteresting.. If I take a crowbar to my head I mite be able to get things moving.. But who knows what that could lead to...

So basically I sit, smoke, drink Coke.. And that's it... I can't get motivated to do anything else.. Nothing in this reality moves me... I've had my life.. But now its over.......... I'm literally waiting for God.. dieing (and staying dead) is the only thing I haven't explored yet.. One good thing is today has been a pain free day.. No real physical pain.. Bad news is I'm out of pizza's... so I don't know what I'm going to eat tomorrow... I have got a half a loaf of brown bread that hasn't gone moldy yet... brown bread seems to last longer.. Which is the only reason I buy it....

sorry if this has been a bit of a off topic waffle.. I can't concentrate today.. i'm just so flat...

 

[Lunar Lady]

Just saw you log on

How are you @Zardos ?

 

[Zardos]

hi ya

Its 4am and I'm.................... excited and I'm not entirely sure why.. The film was God awful.. It hasn't aged well at all.. I remember people talking about it at the time that's why I downloaded it... I recognized the title.. I guess allot of shit has gone down since 1997.

I should really try and go to bed... just one more can of Coke and a couple more fags and I'll give it a try...

How are you.. Are you well ?

 

[Lunar Lady]

Very concerned about you sitting and "waiting to die"...you're a year older than me, Zardos

I've got a few more love affairs, a new career and several grand adventures on the To Do list yet! You know 50 is the new 30, right?

Feeling excited is good I'm all riled up with the stormy wind outside - I love it!

I hated the heatwave and it's great to see the curtains blowing in the breeze!

 

[Lunar Lady]

It's worth mentioning that if Usain Bolt or Mo Farah was given your diet for a week, they'd both be on their knees and sick with toxicity. A staple diet of Coke and food that has no nutritional value would make them depressed, confused and lethargic in a week.

How long have you subjected yourself to this?

I suffer from depression and I completely understand the cycle - but you can't pull out until you start to take better care of yourself.

Have you got a working kitchen? Fridge, microwave or oven?

 

[Zardos]

50 is the new 30 only if you have looked after yourself.. I look like a grandpa.. I'm greying.. And I have no teeth left.. So my mouth looks like a gaping black hole when I talk... I actually like wearing a mask.. It hides my face so I look better.

As for waiting to die.. Its just where I am in the life cycle.. Or do I mean the cycle of life.. You have to remember me and my ex started very very young.. I was still at school when she got pregnant for the first time.. My kids are all grown up... plus I've switched to braces instead of a belt to hold my trousers up.. I look like an old man.. And have smoked forty cigarettes a day for the last thirty years.. So my overall health is poor... I'm just sitting here waiting for the illness that's going to kill me...

the first half of my life I lived well.. I sang, danced, got drunk, got arrested... allot.. I really use to rock out and I make no apologies.... but I'm paying for it now... the rapid inset of old age... come to us all

 

[Zardos]

Have you got a working kitchen? Fridge, microwave or oven?

Everything works in the kitchen apart from the freezer which has packed up.. As for my diet.. I've lived of Coke and fags since I was at school.. That's why I've got no teeth.. They melted into weird shapes before falling out.. And I have constant sores on my lower legs that never heal...

too much wine and too much song, wondered how i got along

You only live once.. and its kind of short if you don't look after yourself... but then its better to burn out than to faid away

 

[Lunar Lady]

Everything works in the kitchen apart from the freezer which has packed up.. As for my diet.. I've lived of Coke and fags since I was at school.. That's why I've got no teeth.. They melted into weird shapes before falling out.. And I have constant sores on my lower legs that never heal...

too much wine and too much song, wondered how i got along

You only live once.. and its kind of short if you don't look after yourself... but then its better to burn out than to faid away

I smoked from the age of 15 too. Two packs a day from 15 to 48 years old. I quit last year.

The diet part is so important, Zardos - our mental health is tied up with what we eat and the body's ability to heal is reliant on good food.

I wouldn't stress about the teeth - most of Hollywood is wearing dentures or screw-in porcelain. Get yourself some false gnashers on the NHS and smile at the world again! xxx