where it all started

[OBIWAN]

Well I moved to Liverpool with my girlfriend about 5 -6 years ago,everything was ok then I started getting really paranoid and stuff.I have suffered with problems i'd say a long while but never really reconized them before.Anyway,the relationship came to an end which looking back I blame myself for the way I am,the way I have been bought up as I say I reconize now.anyway I moved out above my work place where I was a vet receptionist,very convient a flat above the work place,but so easy to isolate ones self,I begin drinking at the weekends to oblivion,anyhow one tuesday afternoon and bam,my mind felt it had exploded,I was scared as hell,felt like a big fuzzy elastic band around my head.I didnt know what was happening,Thats when I started getting major panik attacks one after the other,I was so scared I thought I was dying,I phoned an ambulance,they done all tests to see if there was anything physically wrong with me,the ambulance man said @Is your mind playing tricks on [email protected] you could say that....Anyhow everything then became very strange,like nothing was real,and then the suicide pattern repeating in my head,I was taking to people and it was if they were something else like they were attacking myself or something.I had to take my mind off my suicide thinking so I got a bus into the city to go to the museum,but it all got to much I brokedown and went to

 

[OBIWAN]

hospital,they ask me me if I wanted to be sectioned,I declined,so I went back to my flat.They arranged for a crisis team to come out to me that day.They did they ask me a few questions,if I had special powers,if I was highly strung,also asked meif I was going to do anything silly,I told them no.But suicide was inside my mind.After they left,I went to the kitchen draw and got a knife out and put it to my wrist,big carving knife,to see if I would,as if I was testing myself,I didnt but was very close.Next day I quit work,went back home on a train all the while in this surreal state,I had no contral of myself,my anger was flying out the rook,I didnt sleep for 3 days,ringing in my ears,I didnt know my friends nor family like I used and still dont to some extent,in the phrase where I was really bad the doc put me on some meds but I came off them,its like im trying to manage myself each day and sometimes such a struggle.....

 

[OBIWAN]

Tired for me id a big thing doesnt mater dow much or how little sleep I get always tired.I hold a full time job at a foudry hard work and just being able to manage it but sometimes I think I want to go anywhere,somewhere-feels like the days are blended into one big time slot,get annoyed with people talking conversations in the background which I cant distract from,and when I do talk I feel I need to keep talking but nothing comes out so very arwkard.My mood is like nothing sometimes like I havent a mood and can get angry at the smallest things,think I may go back to the docs

 

[schizolanza]

to the forum obiwan.

 

[OBIWAN]

Thankyou

I joined a while back but only just mentioned this stuff talked briefly before about it

 

[OBIWAN]

spelling

And apoligies for spelling mistakes in my threads before

 

[laulipop]

this forum keeps me going and I hope that you have all the support and help you need from it