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Where is my daughter?

daffy

daffy

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It’s very difficult coping with someone you love with dementia we found the best way was just to accept whatever she said whenever she repeated herself instead of saying ‘but youve already told us mum’
The hardest part tho was when she asked me if i could ask my brother to come and visit her cos he hadn’t been for weeks and started crying. I was all ready for giving my brother a mouthful when he said’ but i was there just an hour ago’ we then started writing notes for her when we called so she could check them when she got worried. Another thing i did was get her a diary and we wrote in it when we visited and i like to think it helped cos we asked the staff to read it to her on an evening
 
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Supermansgirlfriend

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Hope things improve for you sweet, thinking of you Lo ❤
 
Signofthetimes

Signofthetimes

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Oh Thank God for them! That is wonderful! So is your job stressful or is it the strain of not being there enough for your mother? It sounds to me like she is in good hands and you are a devoted daughter. You are doing a wonderful job at being there for her. Maybe you could make her a photo album to look at with notes in it she can read that tell her you love her and that you are always thinking of her and will see her soon. That way if she forgets when she will see you next, the note reminds her it will be soon. Try not to be so hard on yourself. What you are doing is not easy by any means as she is probably not like she once was, and you are able to see this and its so hard. For me when I was losing my dad to colon cancer, it became increasingly difficult for me to see his deterioration because it was like I missed him already and I found it difficult to be strong in his presence. I wanted to scream " Dad, you're dying and I dont know how Im going to live without you- and seeing you like this is killing me!" But of course I couldn't. It took me a good 5 years to accept his passing and it was a long grief cycle. I thought it would be easier because I was prepared for it. You are never prepared for it but I mean it wasn't like shocking sudden death like a car accident. I was wrong.
I'm sorry for the loss of your dad. 💗 My dad passed away 2.5 years ago. I was with him when he passed away. I miss him terribly. He was truly a kind soul.
It's not one thing for me. I get overwhelmed by it all. Everything feels so constant and urgent and there's always something new, also urgent and I never feel prepared or ready.
Today my mom, son, and I got to enjoy a little time listening to music together.
Thank you for the photo album idea. I like that. 💗
 
Signofthetimes

Signofthetimes

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It’s very difficult coping with someone you love with dementia we found the best way was just to accept whatever she said whenever she repeated herself instead of saying ‘but youve already told us mum’
The hardest part tho was when she asked me if i could ask my brother to come and visit her cos he hadn’t been for weeks and started crying. I was all ready for giving my brother a mouthful when he said’ but i was there just an hour ago’ we then started writing notes for her when we called so she could check them when she got worried. Another thing i did was get her a diary and we wrote in it when we visited and i like to think it helped cos we asked the staff to read it to her on an evening
Thank you. I like the diary. I think my mom would like that. Someone can read to her notes from us when we are not there and remind her that we are coming back.

One thing that she likes a lot is getting dressed up, so sometimes I will leave notes by an outfit and she is excited to wear it. The diary will be good for both of us. 💗
 
Signofthetimes

Signofthetimes

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I feel alone. I need help, not blame or judgement. I don't know what I am doing or what are the better choices to make. I am lost in responsibility and emotions. It is hard enough without criticism and dings from others. People say awful hurtful things and then disappear and I am left to pick up the pieces and I can't find the pieces. I am confused and isolated and this all consumes me. I have been accused of not doing enough and of mismanagement of money because I am overspending on care. But care is needed and I can't do it. I see so many people doing that for their parents, moving in with them or having them move in to their own home and this is so loving and admirable, but I can't. Sometimes, I feel fear just visiting. People in my family always had someone who would take and care for their parents. I'm not them. Okay so if I am not good for this, let's say that realization has already been made. Condemning at this point just causes more confusion.
I feel horrible and sick. A couple of weeks ago while visiting my mom she wasn't responding. Her vitals were okay but she wouldn't wake up. I was there with my husband and son. I felt helpless so I asked them if we could say a few prayers. My son kept playing on his cellphone even after I asked him to stop and without thinking I grabbed it and threw it out the window. I felt bad instantly, and he and my husband sat quietly looking at me. Nothing was said. Luckily the phone wasn't broken, or the little hand piece that he had just gotten as a gift.
I told him that I was sorry later, and he seemed okay and told me that it was okay. I am still feeling bad, because I lost it without thinking.
My mom eventually woke up. We left. It was Father's Day. Tonight my mom called asking for me. I will visit tomorrow. I am lost. I don't know how others do this full time. I don't have the ability and I feel terrified of the next step, the next day, of today. I keep moving forward in the dark and there is a coldness where I wish could be peace. That would help.
 
Signofthetimes

Signofthetimes

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And why do some people think I have answers and then go against any suggestions no matter what, there is a back and forth and then abandonment. I have no answers.
 
calypso

calypso

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Dementia is one of those illnesses that many, many people can't cope with at home. Don't feel guilty for that, you don't have to deal with it. I used to nurse people living with dementia and knew that I could never do it at home! And I am a nurse....so please don't let others guilt you into anything.
 
Signofthetimes

Signofthetimes

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Dementia is one of those illnesses that many, many people can't cope with at home. Don't feel guilty for that, you don't have to deal with it. I used to nurse people living with dementia and knew that I could never do it at home! And I am a nurse....so please don't let others guilt you into anything.
Thank you for responding and saying this. I am not capable at all. There are so many things that are a struggle for me, little things. I try really hard, but I mess up little things. This is huge. I can't explain in words. I am constantly falling a part without. I show up broken under a costume that appears together. I can't fix what's underneath, but just keep trying to do what I need to do and get by looking like I know what's going on. I wish that I did have more.
 
Signofthetimes

Signofthetimes

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My mom has a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning that I need to go to. Later in the afternoon, I have one for my dog, and there's lots of other things to do and I can't relax.
 
TooMuchPain

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You are overworked and have too much stress. I’m sure you already knew that. I’m really sorry you have all this going on. I think you need to consider doing less. Even if that means some things fall apart. If you keep going and going and going you will eventually stop doing anything and have a breakdown (if you aren’t having one now).
Please take some time to improve your self care. I have a hard time caring for my mother. In fact I don’t care for her at all. There is just too much history between us and I honestly don’t have the sanity to spare on her. She is pretty good at wearing me down and destroying me. I need to save myself first.
You are a good hardworking person. Its okay to forgive yourself. Please forgive yourself and let a little stress go.
I use an app called Meetup to join in on stuff. I went on a hike this weekend. I was invited to play volleyball with meetup people on Friday. I have found hiking to be a good outlet for stress. Its a little workout and conversation with some nice scenery. Its a good distraction for me. You need to find a way to relax. I hope you can smile a little today.
 
Signofthetimes

Signofthetimes

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You are overworked and have too much stress. I’m sure you already knew that. I’m really sorry you have all this going on. I think you need to consider doing less. Even if that means some things fall apart. If you keep going and going and going you will eventually stop doing anything and have a breakdown (if you aren’t having one now).
Please take some time to improve your self care. I have a hard time caring for my mother. In fact I don’t care for her at all. There is just too much history between us and I honestly don’t have the sanity to spare on her. She is pretty good at wearing me down and destroying me. I need to save myself first.
You are a good hardworking person. Its okay to forgive yourself. Please forgive yourself and let a little stress go.
I use an app called Meetup to join in on stuff. I went on a hike this weekend. I was invited to play volleyball with meetup people on Friday. I have found hiking to be a good outlet for stress. Its a little workout and conversation with some nice scenery. Its a good distraction for me. You need to find a way to relax. I hope you can smile a little today.
Thank you. 💗
Last night, my son's voice snapped me out of the low of my spiral. He came downstairs for some water and said, "Good night. Mom". I was losing reasoning until then.

I am trying to find balance. This morning, I returned a call to a friend. She asked if I had returned to work. I told her not yet. She sounded so cheerful and said something like "lucky" or "That's great". I felt irritated, but know she means only good. I wanted to tell her not to say that. It's kind of a pattern in conversations, but it wouldn't be nice. It isn't her fault that I am feeling this way and time off is a good thing. Oddly it felt like she was gloating for me which makes no sense other than in my backwards feelings. She's actually a very nice person. I need to be careful with my conversations when not feeling well.

Want to get through the appointments today.

A hike sounds good. I have been wanting to go on one. I like going to the beach. That always helps. Wishing smiles for you too. Thank you 💗🌹
 
dreambuggieIII

dreambuggieIII

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Sending you some strength for the week ahead. :)
You're okay.
Somedays are good, some days are bad.
 
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