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Where does my BPD end and I begin?

E

exodustree

New member
Joined
Nov 19, 2020
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1
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NA
Hi all. I was diagnosed with BPD a few years ago, while dealing with depression, childhood and relationship trauma, and an immune disorder. Currently going through a rough patch, including recurring suicidal thoughts, except I don't think I have the courage or intention to carry it out so that's comforting.

As life would have it, I've recently had to make major decisions in life, and although I know decisions are win some and lose some, what I'm struggling with the most right now is trusting my own thoughts and feelings. I feel like in every situation, I cannot even trust my own decisions or myself during the decision making process because I cannot trust that my thoughts are logical, not too "extreme", not too influenced by my fear of abandonment, dark perception of reality, any other BPD thing you can name, and so on.

Granted, I do have a pretty bleak view of the world and people, including myself. But I like to think that I'm being realistic. I've known for a long time that I am not "normal", in the sense that most people around me would probably be a tad more optimistic and upbeat about life, and take certain things less seriously than I would. I also made a pact to myself back when I had a suicide attempt, that I would only continue to live if I truly wanted to live proper. I constantly remind myself that I choose to live for a reason, and I always go back to those reasons to prevent those thoughts from overtaking completely. Suffice to say, this has led to what others might say is a "go all out" kind of behaviour, when I approach projects, work, life, faith, relationships, anything really, I like to do 100% and give my all. I have nothing to lose, except my own life at the end of the day. This also makes me feel frustrated when people around me don't understand why I take this approach, are holding me back somehow, or even ridiculing me for taking life too seriously.

I fear that people will use my BPD against me, and a loved one already has by accusing me of being irrational and frequently does not respect my thoughts and opinions, beliefs because they are "my BPD" talking and not me being rational. So I keep questioning myself and wondering if they are right. Honestly, I don't know which way is up anymore, I am derealizing and depersonalizing more everyday, and I don't even know who I am anymore or if I can trust anything I am thinking or feeling.

I've been to a few therapists, and a psychiatrist, but I've always found it difficult to really get this worked out. I've learned and am using DBT techniques to get through everyday but they don't exactly help with the decision making or helping me to differentiate clarity from everything else in my head. Therapy has been a mixed bag, I always feel like the therapist ends up focusing on one of my "goals" during the session but forgets the entire big picture of this world I am in, and then when I leave, sure we have maybe achieved a "goal", say "not having unrealistic expectations of people", or learning "mindfulness exercises", but it doesn't fix my whole worldview. These worldviews have become my reality, and hence I don't know what is right or wrong anymore at this point. Is it strange that I actually like these worldviews? And in a society where we are so oft told that everyone's opinion is valid, are my thoughts too strange for others to accept?

Wonder if anyone else has any tips for this. How do I know where my BPD ends, and where I begin? Thanks.
 
GhostOfLenin

GhostOfLenin

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jul 16, 2020
Messages
3,941
Location
Glasgow
Hi all. I was diagnosed with BPD a few years ago, while dealing with depression, childhood and relationship trauma, and an immune disorder. Currently going through a rough patch, including recurring suicidal thoughts, except I don't think I have the courage or intention to carry it out so that's comforting.

As life would have it, I've recently had to make major decisions in life, and although I know decisions are win some and lose some, what I'm struggling with the most right now is trusting my own thoughts and feelings. I feel like in every situation, I cannot even trust my own decisions or myself during the decision making process because I cannot trust that my thoughts are logical, not too "extreme", not too influenced by my fear of abandonment, dark perception of reality, any other BPD thing you can name, and so on.

Granted, I do have a pretty bleak view of the world and people, including myself. But I like to think that I'm being realistic. I've known for a long time that I am not "normal", in the sense that most people around me would probably be a tad more optimistic and upbeat about life, and take certain things less seriously than I would. I also made a pact to myself back when I had a suicide attempt, that I would only continue to live if I truly wanted to live proper. I constantly remind myself that I choose to live for a reason, and I always go back to those reasons to prevent those thoughts from overtaking completely. Suffice to say, this has led to what others might say is a "go all out" kind of behaviour, when I approach projects, work, life, faith, relationships, anything really, I like to do 100% and give my all. I have nothing to lose, except my own life at the end of the day. This also makes me feel frustrated when people around me don't understand why I take this approach, are holding me back somehow, or even ridiculing me for taking life too seriously.

I fear that people will use my BPD against me, and a loved one already has by accusing me of being irrational and frequently does not respect my thoughts and opinions, beliefs because they are "my BPD" talking and not me being rational. So I keep questioning myself and wondering if they are right. Honestly, I don't know which way is up anymore, I am derealizing and depersonalizing more everyday, and I don't even know who I am anymore or if I can trust anything I am thinking or feeling.

I've been to a few therapists, and a psychiatrist, but I've always found it difficult to really get this worked out. I've learned and am using DBT techniques to get through everyday but they don't exactly help with the decision making or helping me to differentiate clarity from everything else in my head. Therapy has been a mixed bag, I always feel like the therapist ends up focusing on one of my "goals" during the session but forgets the entire big picture of this world I am in, and then when I leave, sure we have maybe achieved a "goal", say "not having unrealistic expectations of people", or learning "mindfulness exercises", but it doesn't fix my whole worldview. These worldviews have become my reality, and hence I don't know what is right or wrong anymore at this point. Is it strange that I actually like these worldviews? And in a society where we are so oft told that everyone's opinion is valid, are my thoughts too strange for others to accept?

Wonder if anyone else has any tips for this. How do I know where my BPD ends, and where I begin? Thanks.
You had no choice in the way your brain developed or the environment that help shape your brain. People with physical illness don't get a say in being ill, neither do you. Same thing. Illness is illness. All you can do is accept that you have an illness and try to manage it.
 
B

bpd2020

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
May 25, 2020
Messages
7,535
Location
England
Hello and welcome to the forum. It can be hard for us to know which aspects of our personality are us and which part are the BPD. I have found having people around who blame the BPD for anything we are hurt over only adds to the confusion. I can see you have tried different types of therapy. For me, CAT helped me the most as it was not focused on goals but on how to deal with the emotional pain I carry. I am wondering if that is something you may want to try yourself.

Your thoughts and feelings are valid. Having BPD does not make them any less valid. It is unfair of anybody to suggest otherwise.
 
H

hopeful22

Member
Joined
Dec 3, 2020
Messages
20
Location
Texas
I often feel that my stepdaughter has the exact same difficulties that you have. It seems she is not confident in her own thoughts, feelings or opinions and that she easily changes them to match others. I've never known her to stand up for a thought, feeling or opinion to someone's face I'd they disagree with her. I've been trying to figure out how to help her with this.

So far I've just let her know that it's normal to feel this way or that in various scenarios. Sometimes she does have a distorted perception of an event and I guess that's the hard part. Sometimes she really doesnt see something for what it is. I'm not sure how to solve that other than her getting more experience with it over time.

Maybe journaling would help? When you are going through an event or scenario, write it down, write down your feelings about it, if you've talked to someone about it and made some sort of healthy decision and it had a good outcome, write that down too. Then go back and read over these journal entries especially when you're feeling doubtful about your own thoughts, feelings, opinions and decisions. Maybe over time you'll be able to build some confidence in your own mind.

I'd love to have my stepdaughter do this but she has no inclination or motivation to do it and I know it ultimately has to come from her. Making it an assignment probably won't have the effect I want.

Best of luck to you!
 
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